War with myself

[CowandGate2019]

Hi everyone,
I have a very complex relationship with my mil. Been married almost 4 years n now hve 7 month baby. But i really dislike my mil and i feel bad for her as she has cancer. It stems from the fact that she would not accept her sons decision to marry me. She cried (used her illness) and tried to stop it n only came round a week before the wedding. To be fair my own mother had her reservations as we come from diff cultures. But no reaction like mils. Yet mil happily welcomed me into the family which was bizarre. Fast forward a couple of years, me n dh were having arguments re house buying. Mil again cried over fall out with dh sisters n convinced dh to buy house near by (10 min walk from mils). I was pregnant n livid but accepted as i didnt want added stress during pregnancy. Mil didnt know i was pregnant n tried to stir the pot with dh badmouthing me to him hoping we separate etc. When she found out about pregnancy she was nice as pie. Since the birth of baby she has been an overbearing grandma. I really dislike her but feel terrible for feeling such hostility as she has cancer n loves her grandchild but i just cant get over the manipulation. Any advice to bring inner peace would be helpful. Thanks

I really dislike my fil (mil is dead) both because he has been aggressive to me and because he was a selfish and emotionally abusive father to dh and dsil.

I handle it by totally detaching. I have no relationship with him, dh takes the kids to see him, I never go. If he comes here I avoid him. dh and I rarely talk about him.

I accept dh wants a relationship with him and wants our dc to have one and he's generally an ok grandad so I let them crack on.

I am NC with my parents. But allow them to see my kids

They usually pick them up for exhs house. Despite being piss poor parents I could never fault them as grandparents oddly which is why I let them treat me like shit for so long. The kids adore them and they are great with them.

Just do that. Dont have a relationship with her. If you have to see her just detach completely.

But dont roll over on important things like where you live, if it's not what you want that will cause problems and resentment in your marriage.

Thanks for your responses.
Springcloud- good on you for being able to detach yourself. I dont think i can send my child to my mils with his dad as i dont want her to be around him without me there. I know she craves this and i just dont want to fuel this need she has.

Shequakes- i have rolled over on the house purchase. It was either that or i walk away from my marriage whilst pregnant. DH said “lets buy the house to keep his mum happy” because she has cancer and he went against her wishes to marry me so he is trying to make up for it! Not that he admits this.
Everyone else is over this house purchase but i am not. I am so resentful towards mil and DH. I think this is the reason why i am so hostile. It is just eating me up. I need to find a way to visit mil and switch off from her as soon as i leave the house.

Have you ever asked her about her behaviour, or tried to build a relationship so she sees beyond the cultural differences? Effort shouldn't all be one sided but I think I would try for sake of my husband. His mum is sick, he still chose to marry you which shows you are a big priority to him, I don't think I would begrudge him living close by (unless you completely moved areas to do so).

Aunt March - i have tried to build a relationship. I actually thought she liked me and that i had won her round. Even went to visit her home country as she was insistent i went. But the first chance of trouble in my marriage n she was saying all sorts about me n planting seeds in dh head. Me n DH get on great, its in laws expectations n opinions that are the source of our fall outs. Hence why i didnt want to live near by.

You can only be annoyed at your dh Glover the house.

He is a grown man. He didnt have to do as she wanted.

That's what I mean. If you keep rolling over on things that matter, it will end your marriage anyway.

It's not easy. But unless your dh starts putting you first, you will always feel resentful.

Early in my marriage, nearly all the arguments between myself and DH were regarding my In-laws (his parents). I knew that they would have preferred DH to have waited to get married and chosen someone less forthright than me.
30 years on MIL is now a widowed, elderly woman. I am grateful I didn’t demand NC in those difficult early years and let her and my FIL develop a close relationship with the DC. I rarely accepted babysitting offers but maintained a reasonable amount of contact, always ensuring my DH was present as well.
Our marriage has thrived because DH could see and appreciate I was trying hard to cope with ILs manipulation but I didn’t throw down an ultimatum of “me or them”.
Ultimately my marriage, my DC and my ILs have benefitted from maintaining our relationship. However I know if I had been told this when I was at your stage of life, it would not have made the challenge of coping with basically being disliked by people who I wanted to love me, any easier...
Wishing you strength and wisdom to get through it.

I'd be quite tempted to call her out on it all then. Not aggressively, but just asking Why

Aunt March : i wish u can come and have words with her on my behalf! Im afraid that if i open my mouth EVERYTHING will come pouring out n i will feel guilty.

Shequakes- yes u are right ultimately dh could have stood up to his mother. But its that classic situation of men being in a difficult place having to choose between mum n wife. He has supported me on other issues and not allowed his mum to say and do things and he has drawn the line. I dont want to be that wife that pressures DH and causes rift with his dying mother.

Peakypolly- ur words give me the hope i was looking for. Thank you.

If anyone has any tips on how i can leave my in laws house and their comments and behaviour behind when i close the door please advise. Atm i am reliving small even pathetic little things mil or sil does which wind me up. I am wasting my day thinking about it and the past. I just want to visit and do my dues and switch off when i leave the house.