Not 100% with low/lack of passion

[Sammiejo12]

Morning MN

ok, been dating this guy for a good few Months now, he's kind, thoughtful, gorgeous and just a generally all round good guy. He is exactly who he says he is and "what you see is what you get". No hidden agenda, no bad intentions, there hasn't been ANY form of game playing or moodyness.

Can't believe my luck really....... however,

He's 10 years older, and although not geriatric it has become apparent he has a lower sex drive than me...

I'm not a huggy kissy person usually but when I'm comfortable with my partner I love to have physical contact, whether it be cuddle or a random hand touch. I do it to him, even just a random cuddle he tenses up and giggles like a schoolgirl... doesn't push me away but obvs hasn't had a affectionate relationship before as he almost doesn't know what to do?!?!?

I've said to him about it, raised my concerns that I like to be affectionate and when we're watching tv or in bed he LOVES a cuddle, which you would think would lead to kissing and then sex (which is what I have in my head sometimes) but we very rarely snog, and at this time in the relationship I want a hot steamy frenchie, he says he can't do two things at once and says why don't I kiss him, but I'm wanting him to kiss me and it's got to a point where I'm scared to in case he doesn't like it!

And then there is the foreplay, or lack of. I'm not sure about anyone else but I like it, it "warms me up", turns me on even more and he's very well endowed so I need that extra bit of help if that's the right word.

On a couple of occasions there's been a quick fiddle and then he's ready sort of thing and it is uncomfortable and I have to ask him to go slllloooowww, which he does but I'm just not excited enough. It's fine after a while with some lube and it's not that I don't want to have sex but I just want to play a bit more.

He also has mentioned in jest that "he does all the work"... we swap, I like sex so I like different positions , don't mind swapping so this bothered me a bit to think he thinks that.

It's got to a point now where I'm even having annoying dreams about my emotionally abusive ex telling me the new bf is boring.

He's away this weekend on a stag party, but I'm going to have to bring it up, it makes me nervous, he's joked I'm young and sex mad already, my response was that "twice a week is not sex mad".

Any experience or tips on how to handle this, i would be devastated if it didn't work out due to mismatched sex drives and I think/hope there's room for improvement.

You are not sexually compatable.

The question that you need to ask yourself is....
'do i want a sexless and affectionate free relationship for the rest of my life?'

Unfortunately you aren't sexually compatible. If it's like this now after only a few months, imagine what it's going to be like after a few years.

Also men saying to women anything like "you're young and sex mad" is a warning sign for me. It's as though they think it's something to be ashamed of - a woman enjoying sex and her sexuality.

How old is he?

He's coming up to 40 this year.

I'm was afraid this was what the general consensus was going to be 😞

Feeling like you have to beg for sex is demoralising ime.
Walk away op.

Sex mad? He’s going to make you feel ashamed or abnormal when you’re absolutely not.

Yes I'm not exactly feeling bowled over by love.

He's quite shy and reserved person anyway, spent most of his twenties/thirties with the same girlfriend.

We sometimes watch love island and I asked what his "type" was and he refused to answer the question, point blank.

He has been heartbroken, I am fully aware of that, but haven't we all. Him and his ex broke up after trying again last November whereas I've been single on and off for last 3 years after getting out of a horrendous relationship. She's now with someone else and it really got to him I think.

He would be perfect for me if this sex thing was a bit more of a priority for Him, but surely there has to be a compromise????? Maybe this is it.

He's not even 40 yet?? Sorry but I thought he sounded about 60 the way he was going on.

What's his relationship history? Has he had long term relationships?
I find the whole not kissing thing a bit strange to be honest.

I'm like you and love lots of random contact, holding hands, kissing etc. That's even more important to me than sex. I couldn't be with someone who didn't show physical affection.

His silly comments about sex mad is like water of a ducks back, I know I'm not sex mad, he's a the "odd" one for not wanting to have sex more than once every couple weeks.

I mean I could try new tactics, instead of asking, just try it on and then hold off sex for a while and keep the foreplay going and see what happens. I mean we are still getting to know each other it's still early days.

Well you can always try.....

The sex mad comment just shows that he has completely different needs/expectations to you. He says "sex mad" (jokingly??) and for you it's a completely normal amount of sex (I agree with you, a couple of times a week is pretty average I would say). He thinks once every couple of weeks is enough.

Sounds like he’s not over his ex, I’d walk away, don’t waste anymore time, if he’s not full of fun 3 months in , imagine 3 years.

I'm sure he is, he doesn't ever mention her, he's not the sort of person to dwell, if I ever have a worry he's very cut and dry about it, which actually sometimes puts things into prospective for me.

She's with someone else now, moved on very quickly.

Neither of us have kids or a huge amount of baggage, just the usual relationship hang ups.

This whole was thing is Such a shame!

**que me opening lovehoney and buying new toys for us

He sounds like a terrible selfish lover and terrible selfish lovers aren't worth having relationships with, quite apart from the zero sex drive

If he's like this in a new relationship at not even 40 it's unlikely to improve. I though he was going to be in his 60s the way you described him!!! You could try talking more but I suspect this is just how he is and so you will eventually need to decide if it's what you are happy with. And 2 x a week is very far from sex mad, even in a very long term relationship!

Wow I thought you were going to say mid 50s! If he’s like this now then that ain’t getting any better as older age kicks in. Might as well cut your losses now. Plenty more fish in the sea

I could not read and not reply .
My best friend is a man who is also low libido . He is also concerned that he is asexual . He wants to be sexual but doesn't feel that way. He has a girlfriend of many months also . He has told her that his libido is low and that he doesn't enjoy it. She by her own admission is ' sexmad' .
I don't know much more except for she is still with him , desperate to be ina relationship and goes along with it .
She has tried everything to get him in the mood but to no avail . I worry for him because I feel that while she may be ok with it now, I dread the day that he tells me that she has had her needs met elsewhere or can't accept it anymore or wants permission to pursue sex ( which he says he will never agree to) and leaves him. He can and he does perform but it's against what he naturally is and is functional . I worry more that there may be a child involved . Sexual incompatibility must be miserable for both . I wish you well whatever you decide . sadly many people's self esteem is wrapped around sex and desirability so so mind yourself x

Ahh thank you for replying.

It's almost getting to a point where it's the elephant inside my head, it's all I can think about, he's away for the next few days and stayed last night and nothing happened... a kiss hello last night and a cuddle and a kiss goodbye this morning... Ergh I NEEEEED some loving from him.

It sounds like he would be horrified if you presented him with sex toys if he just wants a quick peck hello when you spend the night together .

Yeah quite possibly! 😂

I am craving that inner "cave man" in him, I mean when we actually do have sex it's great (except the lack of length of foreplay) he's not shy and can certainly take control so I think he has got it in him it's just the frequency.... maybe his relationship with his ex has squished his sexual desires over the years...

Move on. He’s not “perfect in every other way”: apart from not wanting sex, he’s selfish when you do have it and isn’t interested in listening to what you have to say about what you like; doesn’t want to show affection; can’t communicate; has strange hang-ups about women’s sexuality; and doesn’t appear ready to be in a relationship.

Honestly, it shouldn’t be this hard after a few months. It isn’t going to get better - virtually nobody ever says that their relationship involved more sex the longer it got, most couples have less sex the longer they’re together or st least only the same amount as they ever did. Buying sex toys and trying to talk isn’t going to change him - he doesn’t like having sex much and he doesn’t want to change that. If he was unhappy with his low libido he’d have done something about it himself. You are wasting your time.

Why you have sex it's great?

"On a couple of occasions there's been a quick fiddle and then he's ready sort of thing and it is uncomfortable and I have to ask him to go slllloooowww, which he does but I'm just not excited enough. It's fine after a while with some lube and it's not that I don't want to have sex but I just want to play a bit more.

He also has mentioned in jest that "he does all the work"..."

That ^^ is anything but great sex. It sounds awful. That is him treating you like a fuckhole.

@Sammiejo12 i'm a few years older than you but my boyfriend was very similar to yours in the early stages of our relationship. His marriage had been unhappy from the start and he had never had an affectionate relationship which, I have to be honest, my marriage was (until we grew apart).

The first time I went to hold BF hand whilst out on a walk he froze and made a really childish comment. So I kissed him - he went bright red and froze again . Now he's much more affectionate and we have plenty of PDA's - ones suitable for our age, no snogging in the street etc

Sex was really slow to get 'right' too but now we have it 'right' unfortunately my peri menopause is kicking in - a period every 24 days when you are bleeding for 14 of those and have PMS for another 6 doesn't leave many days to choose from but we do have lots of hugs and cuddles both in bed and on the sofa and just generally. Snogging is good too.

Your situation may get better like mine did but you have to communicate. If he isn't willing to listen then yes, it may be time to call it a day. I really hope that he does listen and you work it out.

Ahh you sound such a lovely couple, I hope it works out for you.

My bf is such an amazing person, he is so lovely, it's hard not to loose my head but I need to think about how his low sex drive is going to be long term. If it is just us getting used to each other or if this is how it's going to be long term.

I guess only time will tell.