Emotional Abuse - Can they change?

[Londonmummy81]

Hi

I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. We are married and have a child together as well as children from our previous marriages.

My husband is controlling, aggressive, has outbursts regularly if he’s not getting his own way, can make myself and children fee really anxious, we walk on eggshells, there’s rules on everything etc, he can have violent outbursts but has never hit me but has shoved me, he runs my family down a lot, has outbursts when they visit so now they don’t want to visit anymore, I’m suffering with a body pain syndrome that they keep saying is due to stress... the list goes on.

I’ve threatened to leave many times, then he’s super nice. He can be so so charming but pure evil at times. I eventually persuaded him to come to couples counselling but it was so so frustrating and upsetting and he manipulated and charmed his way through. We stopped it in the end. I then 6 months later started counselling by myself to cope with how I was feeling, depressed and hopeless. This counselling then suggested he come along and before meeting him said he sounded like he had narcissistic personality disorder. He came along and again he tried to manipulate the convo, it makes me seem like I’m being overly sensitive etc he has rational reasons for everything. There’s always a reason or excuse. Anyway the councillor saw through it for the first time and advised me she was concerned for mine and my children’s safety and had spoken with my husband about him being emotionally abusive but he said he thought he couldn’t change. We stopped seeing this councillor because my husband made it too difficult to go. But it gave me clarity, finally someone was saying I’m not mad and this is not acceptable behaviour.

I told him I was finally leaving, his behaviour became unhinged, scary as I sensed he was felling like he was losing control. I read more and more and found the Everyman Project and there programmes to help correct these behavouirs in abusive men. My husband is now accepting he needs help, though I’m not sure if this is him just saying what he thinks I want to hear. He has said he will do the course but begging me to stay.

Do I continue and move out? Has anyone’s partners changed from these programmes, is the damage already done. He’s been super nice again but not sure how long that will last.

Thanks

Move out... put yourself and your childrens mental and physical well being first.

The nice/nasty cycle associated with such people is a continuous one. He's being nice again simply because he is losing control of you.

(Couples counselling as you are no doubt aware by now is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship)

Your previous counsellor was correct in that such people do not change.

Please be very careful; your safety here is paramount. Do not stay with your H now. Continue with moving out and I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him too. Such courses are no answer for domestic violence and can actually give abusers more tools to use against their chosen targets.

If you have not already contacted Womens Aid to date I would suggest you do so asap.

@Londonmummy81 hi, well done for opening up to the board. My ex is an alcoholic and the type of behaviour you describe sounds a lot like the life I led with him. My personal opinion is if they haven't changed for you by now, they won't. We separated, he met someone very quickly and she is besotted. However when he comes to see the children even now, he lapses into that angry behaviour which makes me thank my lucky stars that we aren't together and that I don't have to deal with all of it on a full time basis. He clearly hasn't changed despite losing our family unit.

My breaking point was thinking I would never want my children marrying a person like their dad, so why was it ok for me? My friend is in a similar situation but still is on and off with her husband and her children are clearly getting more and more affected by his personality.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

My personal belief is that these kinds of people can rarely, rarely change. Especially if a professional counsellor thought your H is narcissistic ... that is pretty deep-rooted and hard to change.

More to the point: the most important thing is the safety of you and the children. It doesn't matter if he can change eventually (because even if he CAN change through some programme, that's going to take time). You and the DC need to be safe NOW. This includes your emotional safety, the safety of your mental and physical health, not just any immediate threat that he might physically hurt you. That to me screams "MOVE OUT"!

If he really cares about you and the DC, he will understand that his behavior has been totally unacceptable and that it's totally reasonable for you to move out and that HE needs to work on himself and THEN ask if you are willing to reconsider. The fact that he's trying to manipulate you again (by being super nice) to make you change your mind, instead of supporting your decision to move out when it's what you need for your own safety, tells me he certainly hasn't changed yet. Which makes me doubt that he ever will--he'll just keep manipulating you, counselors, the police, whoever.

They Never change

dated some and related to one. and they NEVER change.

Sounds a lot like an ex I once had. Narcissists DONT change. Move out ASAP.

OP him being nice afterwards is the cycle of abuse. No man is abusive all time or no woman would stay.

You need to leave. Even if you don’t care about yourself your kids will never forgive you if they have to grow up in this sort of environment. Remember that your kids can’t leave, they are forced to be in this situation. You need to put them first. My Dad is exactly like this and it is vile to be around.

Keep the momentum going and move out.
Back away slowly and head for the door.

Yes I am reading all this, everywhere seems to say long road for change but I wondered if the programmes do help or not. I was thinking to move out whilst he completes it but then how do you know if it’s helped. Just wondered if anyone else had given there partner another chance after completing one. Or whether it really is time to block him out and move on. We have children so it’s very difficult. I’m also in London and have no family around.

They don't change, you need to leave. He'll probably be charming for a bit when you've gone and you might have a wobble but after a while he'll revert to nasty and most likely stsy tgat way. I've seen the pattern with my ex and a couple if my friends ex's too. Get out now or you'll spend the next few years wishing you had then leave anyway. Get it done, it's the best thing you can do for your own mental health.