He wants to be a dad but won't be dad

[moonblind]

I don't know where to start so this is probably going to be a rambling mess.

Ds's dad and I were together for a few years and towards the end we were very on and off so when I found out I was pregnant with ds I decided it best to completely end the relationship but still remain 'friends' for the sake of the baby.

He would ask when midwife and scan appointments were and I would tell him yet he would never turn up to them and when I would ask why he wasn't there he would find some way to turn it around on me. I ended up being induced early as baby wasn't happy, let him know I was in labour but he still didn't make an appearance (which was quite hurtful, not for my sake but for baby's). When ds was a few hours old I made an appointment to register him was lucky to get one in two days time. Again I told ds’s dad about this but he didn’t turn up so I couldn’t put him on the birth certificate and consequently he didn’t meet ds for 6 weeks (despite my best efforts) because I was a ‘bitch’ for not putting him on it.

Ds is now 4 months and has seen his dad 4 or 5 times as he always falls through on plans. He hasn’t contributed anything to ds yet when I talk to him I don’t bring this up I just talk about the fact he needs to see ds more if he wants to be in his life to which he responds I’m always ‘running him down and that he’s just trying to be a good dad to ds’ - he’s not being a dad at all let alone a good one!

Sometimes I talk to him and seems like I’ve really got through to him but nothing ever changes. He says he loves me and wants to be together as a family so I don’t know if my not wanting to be together is causing him to act like this? I keep telling him that he either needs to step up as a parent or leave ds’s life completely as it’s just not fair to have that kind of instability in his life especially as he gets older (AIBU to say that to him?) not to mention the unfairness it is on me (but most importantly ds).

Is there anyway I can make him see he needs to change his ways? Do I cut him out of our lives completely? Do I carry on as things are? I just don’t know what’s best for ds moving forward. Arghh!

Either he doesn't care, or he just can't be arsed. I'd take a step back and stop worrying about it. You can't make him do what he doesn't want to do. He'll probably just drift away. Have you got any sort of relationship with his parents? Your dc could at least have grandparents.

Cut him out completely.

You've given him chance upon chance to do the right thing and he hasn't bothered at all - worse than that, he's blamed you!

As your DS gets older it will get very confusing for him to have this bloke popping in and out of his life. He's not contributing financially so you have nothing to lose. Well, you'll just lose the mental stress that he's causing with his 'will he or won't he turn up' approach.

Is there anyway I can make him see he needs to change his ways?

Sorry but even with the best will in the world, no. Only he can do this. You've already tried.

Put yourself and your DS first, this loser will only ever drag you down.

You can't change him. The best you can do is to be a great mum and to facilitate contact. You can't MAKE him have contact.

My ex-husband lived with me and DD until she was 7. When he and I split up (amicably) he said he wanted her 50:50. We eventually compromised on her spending 4 nights a week with me and 3 with him. This has gradually reduced as it is tough for him to get her to and from school and he is "busy" some Fridays and weekends. He now sees her about 2 nights a fortnight. He is due to have her for a week in the Summer and hasn't booked anything (despite me reminding him), he doesn't do fun things with her during access times, forgot to turn up to parents evening, etc.. Basically he is just a bit shit and she notices. I can't stop him being shit so I just don't moan about him to her and do my best to make up for it by being the best mum I can.

Tell your ex what contact dates he can have and that he needs to make arrangements with you for DS drop off or pick up. If he doesn't bother then leave it. Let him know once and for all that you and he aren't getting back together and then just ignore any communication that doesn't directly refer to arrangements for contact. Chances are he will fade out of DSs life. Obviously an involved and committed Dad would be better but you can't force him to do that.

Do not let this person continue to drag you and in turn your son down with him.

You're flogging a dead horse with this man and I would cut him out completely. Your son also needs decent male role models in his life; not a man who drifts in and out of your lives when he feels like it.

Yes, I'd stop making any effort at all to involve him and it sounds like he will just stop trying altogether. If he wants to step up then the onus is on him to prove that he is committed to co-parenting (and that absolutely includes maintenance).
The fact that he couldn't be bothered to turn up for either the birth or the registration speaks volumes but it's probably a good thing because it means he can't make any claims later on.

Dont cut him out completely, but dont try and make him have a relationship with his ds, thats his job. I would be tempted to email each month and state days and times that ds is available, give him plenty of choice, the reality is that he probably wont turn up but then if he goes to court for access and says that you are being difficult then you have a paper trail to the fact that you are not. Maintenance is another issue altogether, your ex has a legal obligation to pay towards his son whether he sees him or not, i suggest that you just go to the cms and let it be done that route. Oh and please dont get back with him, he sounds like a manipulative controlling bully.

I assume he’s also not paying maintenance? You need to go to the CMS asap so he starts (at least) helping with costs.

Deep down I know you're all right, I just needed to hear it from someone else! I just don't want to be seen as the bad guy for cutting the contact and risk ds resenting me down the line but I guess when's he's old enough I can explain everything to him properly

Re maintenance I know he should pay his fair share as he is his dad but I am happy that I can provide for my child and don’t need to rely on him so can’t help but feel that going down the maintenance route may just cause me more headache

I’ve been where you are and with hindsight I would say to step back and leave him to it. Leave the door open but don’t break your back trying to make him be a part of baby’s life. If he’s not bothered about the exciting bits then he won’t be bothered about the more mundane bits (not that I find newborns mundane!).

I made a real effort to keep dds dad in her life and I wish I hadn’t, she’s now 8 and has a real sense of abandonment from him. If id just left him to his own devices im confident that he wouldn’t have bothered and she would see my dp as more as a father figure rather than her step dad. But there’s is no right and wrong, there will be backlash either way and I’m afraid that you can’t really win.
For now I would step back and focus on your little baby, try not to let this overshadow a lovely time in your life.

I hope you have plenty of support around you, I found mumsnet a great help when I was going through all this xx

I don't think you cut him out because he's the dad and there's no changing that but you can stop making an effort and just keep communication open for if/ when he improves.

Unfortunately you can’t control his parenting (or lack of). There’s no law that stipulates men have to parent, they can choose to walk away and have nothing to do with their child if they so wish. All he legally has to provide is maintenance which you need to contact CMS to receive.

I suggest contacting a solicitor too, it may be worthwhile having a contact order put in place otherwise he will continuously dip in and out of your lives for the next 18 years, it’s not fair on your DS.

CMS - then there is no argument.

Stop chasing him, leave it with a "let me know when you want to see DS"

I think you should go the CMS route - this makes it real for him, that he is an actual father, with responsibilites.

It's nice for a child to have a dad, if he's a good dad. But not necessary. My Exp disappeared when DS was 2 and we never saw or heard from him again . DS didn't even seem to notice, and never asked. DS is married now with 2 dc, and he's a devoted father.

Think about the dynamic you would be modelling to your son. Running after him, begging him to take an interest and being continually let down. Is that what you want for your son.

I have been there and there were a moment when I thought about the kind of behaviour I was modelling for DD. He will try and paint you as the bad guy whatever you do.

DD’s father has had another kid which he excitedly told her about but regular contact beyond two pre recorded Skype messages, nah. He will try an rewrite history but I have reams of correspondence that document his laziness and excuses.

Actually, the thread title is incorrect, he ‘says’ he wants to be a Dad. Talk is cheap.

But he should be paying for his child regardless of whether you need the money or want it. If you don’t need it put it in a bank account for him.

You can’t make him care, so let him make contact. Stop chasing him.