to try to save my marriage any way I can

[fingernailsbitten]

DH moved out of our house a couple of months ago because he needed space and is living in a relative's empty property.

DH texted me last night to say he is not coming home. I've previously said I will do anything to improve our relationship. I am not to blam and nor is he. We've come through tought times in the past and think we can get through whatever this is.
He has not explained other than to say he does not want to be married any more. He says he is a bit happier now he does not have to worry. I don't know what he means. He is not a talker.
I suggested counselling and he said it's a waste of time. I've said I'd give him space and that I love him and miss him. He rarely answers texts. I don't want to be without him. I will compromise and work on everything if he tell me what needs to improve/change. AIBU to wait and give him as much space as he needs?

No, the next move is yours. And the one after that.

Take charge of your own life. Stop waiting for him , he’s told you it’s over.

See a solicitor, find out if you can get a mortgage on your house without him, stop any joint accounts etc, arrange some counselling for yourself .

So sorry you’ve had this happen to you. There is nothing you can do except pick yourself up and carry on without him.

For a bit of perspective & brutal honesty/experience from the other side of the coin.. I had a long term relationship where the (took a while to grasp it..) ex became needy/desperate/begged me to come back/said he would do anything etc etc & there is nothing more likely to make you run as far and fast as you can away from someone as that kind of behaviour. It also made me pity him and lose every last bit of respect (as well as making me feel guilty & sad).

He has been very clear - you should listen to what he is saying, waiting will prolong the agony whatever the reason is behind it. Retreat, rebuild & take some time to work out what you actually want...then find someone lovely who actually wants to be with you & will reciprocate all that misplaced adoration. It really doesn’t sound like he deserves it?

You sound like me 9 weeks ago. I would have done anything but in the time since he's shown himself to be a stranger. I still love him so so much but I don't think I'd want him back now. He said like your dh that he was never coming back so we just have to love ourselves and one day we'll be better off, even if we don't see it now.

I agree with pp that the next move is yours. Call a solicitor tomorrow and make an appointment for next week. Then, text him and tell him that you’ll be out on Saturday afternoon
and he can collect his belongings then. Then, arrange something nice with a friend for Saturday.

Don’t play at being unapproachable and cool so that he’ll return. He won’t, he’s lost interest. You’ll end up disappointed.

I doesn't matter that you want him back because he does not want to be in a relationship with you.

You need to accept this.

In fact, it is unfair of you to jkep pushing him when he has been blatantly clear he doesn't want to be with you.

How would you feel if someone you didn't want to be with repeatedly text you?

You need counselling for yourself to accept this relationship is over

I hear your advice. Thank you.
I guess counselling for myself is the answer.

How he decided to walk away fyer 25 years I'll never understand. It has happened.

I'll see a solicitor and start packing his stuff.

• after

Nothing to add except that he is being very cruel not to give you a full explanation or otherwise.
And I would get the locks changed so he can't be coming and going as he likes.
Blocking him and bagging his stuff up is a great start to moving on.
Well done op. for you and remember you won't feel like this for long.
Onwards and upwards.

People leave relationships for lots of reasons. That you were together 25 years doesn't make you immune from separation.

Counselling will really help you accept what has happened and move forward.

Your pain sounds terrible and I understand you want him back, but you have to let him go, at least in your head. In time your heart will follow.

Take care of yourself. Know things will get easier xxx

I know a couple who did this after forty plus years, the time you have been together is not the issue. Time to move on, and get the legal wheels turning.

You doing ok today @fingernailsbitten?

I'm doing ok. I have moments of upset and sadness. I still haev questions but i'll have to accept that he did what he wanted to do.

If he is with someone else I pity them. He always used to say that to see me with someone else would kill him. Clearly he no longer feels much for me to drop me like a stone.

I'm not allowed to change the locks. If I do he can break in and have them changed again. He is allowed to enter the house any time he likes as he is the co-owner.

I am sorting out my stuff and organising myself. I will make a list of our belongings and send him the list and he can tick off what he wants to remove from the house. I'll even stack it in the front garden for him.

I'm OK ish today. Still miss him and want him back but I'll swallow those feelings until I don't feel them anymore. I run regularly and it helps clear my mind.

Being dumped sucks.

You are doing more that ok, you are doing really well under the circumstances. I know it’s a terrible shock and such a huge adjustment after half a lifetime togther. It takes time to disentangle your lives.

When my ex left what struck me most was how much free time I had. I spent so much listening to his work problems, his political opinions ( which I didn’t share ) and his sport ( in which I had no interest ). He didn’t virtually nothing with our children so that didn’t make much difference. We ate the food that he liked and I put on weight. We drank gin and white wine because it wasn’t worth opening a bottle of red wine just for me.

All trivial stiff I know.

I even watched Tb programmes I didn’t like because I thought we should spend time together in the evenings. I had sex I didn’t particularly enjoy at times when I didn’t really feel it. Because he was rarely interested so I thought I should take the chance when I could.

So once I got Over the shock of him leaving I was REALLY HAPPY to have so much time to do what I wanted to do. I felt a bit guilty for some reason but once I got used to it, it was great. I’ve l now made lots of good friends through my hobbies.

I also realised how much of our marriage was me providing different types of servicing to him and how little was reciprocated. Everything was about him.

I have no idea why I’m so stupid that I didn’t work all this out until after we split, but there you are.

[IM0GEN] thanks for you kind words. I guess time does heal things.
I don't have to second guess him any more. I don't shop for the food he likes etc. I love our animals very much and I'm glad he has not tried to take them. He used to love them too. I genuinely think he has depression. It goes back a couple of years. Perhaps I am wrong. I will not dwell too much. I had great plans for our future holidays and things but I'll do them with friends instead.

I love/loved him very much.

He'll now be the man who was my husband. I have to get used to calling him my ex husband.

So an update. I went on Facebook. Saw a list by his sister and she tagged one of our ex work colleagues (female) and the tagged location was somewhere near our home. It his birthday tomorrow and his age was also mentioned. I had already blocked and unfollowed him so it does not show his name. So guess he is meeting up with people for his birthday. Last year he did not want to go out for his birthday. Oh well. He's moved on hasn't he? Shame is the female ex colleague he used to fancy 25 years ago and she didn't want him like that. I think I can guess she now might want him after all.

Well it might not be him, but you may have found the reason he's left.💐