I miss my ex so much

[Ellascakes29]

I split with my partner of 5 years the week before Christmas last year. We had been arguing quite a lot but it absolutely broke my heart when we split. I still love him so much and think about him all the time. I’ve tried to move on by focusing on myself- doing things that I had always wanted to do whilst with him that he hadn’t wanted to do (going shopping in New York with friends, taking up new hobbies and going to different concerts as well as focusing on work). It doesn’t matter what I do though I just keep longing to be with him. I don’t have social media so I’m not torturing myself by seeing what he’s up to. But I did look him up on the internet and I see that he’s recently taken a job slightly further away from the local area. I worry that I may never see him again. I went on a date last week with somebody that I met in an evening class and I just wanted to cry the whole time because I just wanted it to be with my ex. I still spend so much time crying about him. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through this and how long it took them to move on. It sounds ridiculous but I almost feel ill through missing him so much. Thank you for reading

Its horrible i know - its a kind of grief but it will get better over time. You have good days and bad days but the bad ones will become less. I had some counselling after the end of my marriage which ended abruptly. It helped me think about the future and what i wanted. (At the time I just wanted my life back but that was not possible)

If you can afford it plan an amazing trip to somewhere exotic perhaps with a friend or with solo travel specialists. It will be an exciting adventure full of new experiences. Keep yourself busy. Perhaps leave the dating for a while until you feel more ready.

@lozzerbmc thank you for your reply! You’re absolutely right, it is like grief! I feel so stuck because even on the good days I still miss him so intensely. I’ve tried to keep planning holidays so I constantly have something to look forward to- but your idea of one big trip sounds like a really good idea! I just long for the day where I can go more than twenty minutes without thinking about him! I hope you are doing well

Often what we miss is the ideal and not the reality. It's OK to grieve for what you've lost. Good on you for going on a date. OK, it was probably too soon but you weren't to know until you tried. Be nice to yourself.

I've done lots of reading in recent months (years) and recently found this site really useful. Their YouTube stuff is great www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/how-to-get-over-someone/

@AllSoComplicated thank you for your reply! I will definitely read that site and watch their YouTube stuff. Yes, I think you’re right, it was too soon to go on a date but at least I know now I suppose!

Have you been in contact since you split?

@Frownette thank you for your reply! I had some health issues when we split, so he texted me about a month after we split to ask if I was ok and I sent him a birthday card in April and he texted me to say thank you but other than that we haven’t had any contact

Concentrate on the reasons you split up.
You wouldn’t have split up for no reason. You will miss him. But you’re more likely to miss the idea of him.
On the date, you’re imagining what it would be like if he was there. Your transposing your idea of him and how he would be into any situation and that isn’t based on reality.
It will just take time, and it’s a bad habit to break.
But you need to try and stop doing that in little steps. Do things you would like but he wouldn’t have. Then you can’t really transpose him there. Eventually you won’t think about him at all.
And remember 5 years is a long time to get over.

@Justbreathing thank you for your reply! The difficult thing is that it was my fault that we split up- I was ill at the time and spent a lot of money that was his- this caused a lot of arguments and eventually we fell apart. You’re absolutely right I definitely need to keep doing things that he wouldn’t have enjoyed so that I won’t keep thinking of him whilst I’m doing them. The 5 years I was with him were the happiest five years of my life. I had a really dysfunctional/chaotic start to life and through my early twenties and he really brought me so much stability and made me so happy. Again, you are absolutely right, five years is a long time to move on from

OP I feel your pain, am in a similar situation after I split up with someone in early January.

I think if you really loved someone it does take time to get over it, months and months in my case. I'm nowhere near ready to date again.

Each month gets a little bit easier. I'm running, swimming and cycling, going to gigs and short trips away on my own. The more active things I do, the better I feel.

I'm not sure if that's of any help, it just takes time in my experience. Bouncing into a new relationship would have filled the gap and make me think about it all less but Thats just a sticking plaster. Really healing that wound is going to take time.

Im so sorry you are going through this but great that you can see your part in the dynamic, that has really helped me, to understand the mistakes I made.