Can't get over ex

[shimmershine1]

So annoyed at myself

Split from ex last year, after 3 years of up and down relationship...
My head said it was the right thing
I blocked, deleted and even dated and did everything I could to move on including NC

The weekend came, I unblocked and contacted him.
I feel like my life is so crappy
I'm late 30's have a lo and I'm doing everything I can to keep my head above water but ok drowning...badly

I don't know how to move forwards....

Is he the father of your lo? What happened when you contacted him?

Sorry you're going through this.

No he's not, I split from lo dad when she was a baby and all nice and amicable
My lo is 7 and my friends said all this up and down is no good for her or me but she seems to be so happy as I've tried so hard but I just can't seem to move on and I'm devastated

When I contacted him he was very happy and wants to talk further

The up and down isn't good for her to the extent that it negatively impacts you.

Have you tried getting out and meeting other men? There's an old (and rather bawdy, so pardon that) saying the best way to get over one man is to get under another. Counseling would probably help too if you can get some. Three years is a very long time to still be hung up on him.

Getting back together with him might be an option, but it really depends on why you split in the first place. If nothing significant has changed it's not going to work any better the next time.

@MissConductUS sorry no we were together over 3 years, we split properly last summer and been on/off until Xmas time
I started seeing someone last year when we split and just recently both lasting a couple of months and nothing serious as I thought I was over Ex and ready to meet someone nice but both men were not ideal for different reasons
Morning particular bad just not as bad as my ex
My ex had moods and often left in an argument and sulked
I stayed with him but over time it drained me so I left
But now I dont feel any happier ???
Each time we split we got back together and we would talk and talk but where so much has happened and where I'm so hurt I can't move past it
He has suggested counselling and always has to be fair and I've never wanted to
I want it for myself but not with him

I left because I felt neglected where he would leave so many times, he flares up and creates atmospheres, he lied to me about money, I just thought there's more to life than this
I'm now a single mum, again, struggling and I just want to be happy

Are you sure he's good for you? Your daughter's stability should be your top priority, so an on and off relationship isn't stable for her. However, if you do decide to get back together, do go to counselling. If it doesn't work after that, I'd seriously consider calling it a day for good.

No I'm not sure she is...but when we are apart I just feel like I did have a family with him and as he is saying to go to counselling and will help and it's like I feel i should be doing that
The reason I ended things every time because he wasn't given me / us security and stability and I thought I was doing the right thing and I kept feeling like we were going round in circles
So do I just try harder to move on? How can I trust him again ?
I'm not sure I want to risk it all again in case nothings changed ? Because surely how can they have ?

This is always dodgy territory.

I doubt he has changed to be honest. It’s not been that long since Christmas. I think you’d be better off working on yourself, getting counselling for yourself and staying away from him. Remember he ‘drained’ you. That’s never a good sign. I think even your own subconscious is telling you to stay away!

@MellowMelly hmm yeah I think so too. I've enquired about some counselling tonight. I've had some in the past but I didn't find it helped
But I think it's because I didn't gel with my counsellor and it's so expensive

@shimmershine1

Yes you do need to gel with them. Also there’s some great books that can help you to sift through your feelings and help to untangle them. Google has also offered me many an insight into the character of men like your ex and how to deal with them and move on.

These flare ups/sulking and creating atmospheres that he does are all not good signs. These character types are eternally draining and soul destroying. They get a kick out of it, it feeds their ego to control their environment. No good for you and no good for your daughter.

My daughter has been scarred by my relationship with a man like this and if I could undo that and never of met that man, I’d do it in the blink of an eye.

@MellowMelly yeah I need to do something as clearly the last 4 months of being strong and trying to break the cycle hasn't bloody helped
Going NC was so hard
It's like I know he's wrong for me so why do I miss the good because it comes with bad

@shimmershine1
I think it’s very easy to get hooked on their cycle of love and anger, it becomes an addiction for us, like a drug, so essentially you are in withdrawal and that takes time to get over. We get ‘high’ when they love us and when they flare up we wait in desperation for our next ‘fix’ of love from them.

You need to go ‘cold turkey’ basically and let yourself go through with the withdrawal symptoms if that makes sense.

I’m explaining it like this because this is the only way it made sense in my brain. He is your ‘drug’ and you need to go cold turkey so your addiction to him stops. This takes time and patience. So be kind to yourself. You will have bad days, you will have good days. Eventually you’ll have more good days until the bad days are no more.

@MellowMelly yeah I'll just have to try harder
I've said no to the couple counselling and he's just messaged saying he understands and that he will always have his phone on if I need him
Thing is shame we wasn't there for me when we were together its just empty words

@shimmershine1

It’s good that you know that those are empty words. Anything nice he says is just that...empty words.

And he can keep his phone on him, but you don’t need him. He wants you to need him because that feeds his ego. The only person that needs you is your daughter.

@MellowMelly you're right and I am going to do this, do it right this time
I'm so worried as I tried my best and if feel so drained
There's so much he has done to hurt me I feel so broken which sounds pathetic
Just want to feel better

@shimmershine1

I felt drained, pathetic and broken too. I felt so torn up that I couldn’t even explain it to anyone. Everything seemed overwhelming. But here I am now. It’s taken time, some days were more of an effort but I got there. I kept busy, I read a lot to get an understanding of what I had been through, to understand what sort of man I had been with and to help me get myself back on track.

Remember this will all pass. You won’t feel like this forever. This is just a temporary moment of your life.