My partner and I moved in together in a new city after being together 5 years. We both got new jobs (separate). I found it really hard to integrate at my job as everyone was in cliques. There were 3 other co-workers in my immediate team who were all very close and often went out together to the shop, never inviting me. I felt really low there.
After a few months at a work party it was an open bar and I had no food. I ended up getting quite drunk and tried to socialise more. Then at the end myself, and the three other co-workers then went into town afterwards to drink more. I remember going to one bar and then when we got to the second I remember having a drink and then nothing after that for hours. I entered into an alcohol blackout (used to get them a lot when I was at University and single). The next thing I remember is hours later and being in a taxi with one of the three co-workers. I have no idea where the other two were. I didn’t know where I was going in the taxi, but nor did it enter into my head to even question it.
We went back to the co-workers apartment and I was immediately taken into his bedroom. He did foreplay on me (hands only) and I just lay there. He then moved to have sex with me and I put my hand over my ‘private parts’. He then paused for a while then got a condom and proceeded to have sex with me. I didn’t stop him and I didn’t say no. I remained fully clothed apart from my underwear throughout. I didn’t kiss him and didn’t touch him. But I did not stop him. Although I felt too drunk to speak as I remember him saying something to me and I couldn’t respond, yet I found the entire thing very sobering. I remember wanting it to stop while it was happening but not stopping it. Not because of any physical threat but just because I am a weak person who struggles in general with saying no. I feel like the way I’ve wrote that makes it sound awful but I was probably making all the right noises for him as he was a very good looking and charismatic person that I would have fancied had I been single. However, my relationship really was perfect with my partner. There was no reason for me to do this other than pure selfishness.
After it ended I got up grabbed my things and ran out without a word. It was daylight and I have no idea how. So much of the evening is missing and I have no sense of timings of anything.
It’s been four years since that night and I am consumed with grief and guilt. I’ve been with my partner since who has no clue and now we are engaged to be married. The co-worker and I barely spoke after that and then he moved away around 6 months later, as did the other two co-workers. He was also in a relationship at the time and is still with the girl.
I know if I told my partner he would never see me in the same light and I think it is very unlikely he would be able to forgive me. This is made worse by the fact he recently had an emotional affair with a colleague that I have forgiven but gave him absolute hell over. I feel like a hypocrite but probably would have ended it with him if this hadn’t happened to me. I was able to think to myself that people do make mistakes. Since then we have been so good and I am so happy with him. But I fret about this on a daily basis. I guess I just wanted to offload my experience somewhere.