She is turning into him

[lolaflores]

A friend. who I was very close to, but is in an abusive marriage, has changed so very, very much.
She sounds and acts like her husband.
In the last year I have become aware of the very sarcastic responses that she can deliver. A quite mild comment will be met with a withering, angry retort that is so out of charachter for her. Well, from the person I first knew some 12 years ago.
I have supported her through all the lows she has gone through with him but it seems that she has decided to settle in for the long haul, or perhaps until kids are older
Is this an unusual occurance? i really don't like her anymore and dont feel comfortable around her. Don't know when the nasty comment will appear.
Ive decided to distance myself, which is sad but has she altered herself to make her marriage bearable? Does that happen? Has he ground her down?
Bit sad about it but there is a distinct lack of courtesy, respect, kindness in her now.

Is anything worth that

couples look like each sometimes, after years together.
if you dont feel comfortable with her you can put some distance.

I think this is possible. Being in an abusive relationship can act as a form of conditioning. I think my long abusive marriage had a very similar effect on me, and I have to remain vigilant that I don't act like my abusive stbxh. I really regret remaining in my marriage for as long as I did, it has had long lasting damaging effects on me.

Please distant yourself. Bullied people are more likely to turn into bullies themselves.

Doingreat thats how it feels. She is also obsessed with a certain topic and feels the need to push it on everyone, oblivious to how odd it seems.
It is begining to feel as if she is taking pleasure out of demeaning me. There is a certain look on her face. Not pleasure but something not very nice.

In what way is it an abusive marriage? Is this how she would describe it and is it apparent to other people.

Yes. It is physically abusive. Mental and emotional. There has also beennfinacial abuse.
SS involvement more than once.
She has left a d returned. She has described it that way herself to me. Others have commented on it.
Beyond an unhappy relationship.

It sounds like she's just deeply unhappy and angry which is understandable given her circumstances. I personally don't think it's an excuse to treat the people around her in this way but it's an explanation.

That's the thing. For a while I forgave and absolved because I knew what the source of it was but now...its just a fuck off from me.

Seems like she can’t stand up to him for whatever reason so she’s taking it out on those close to her. Shame really but you can’t put with it yourself.

I survived an abusive relationship and felt I understood why she didnt leave because the timing etc but when the toxicity is leaking out in my direction, I'm not sure its fair

She's trying to make you feel as bad as she does. You shouldn't put up with it - I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

This is almost certainly her defence mechanism. She knows that she should leave and possibly feels that you judge her for not doing so. Having survived an abusive relationship yourself, I'm sure you can understand the misplaced shame that she might be feeling. In a way, she's trying to push people away from her as subconsciously she doesn't feel like she deserves good friends.

Whilst this doesn't excuse her behaviour, it probably does explain it and it must be hard to be on the receiving end of it. I can totally understand why you would want to distance yourself from her. It's very sad that the abuse she's experiencing is affecting her in this way as she will end up very isolated which will make it even harder for her to leave permanently.

It's a survival mechanism and it'll be related to Trauma Bonding/Stockholm Syndrome.

I've looked at some of my sent emails from when I was with Mr Abusive and I even took on his writing style - probably because he nickpicked what I said and how I said it so much that I adjusted myself to fit my prison - to attract less vitriol and punishment.

It's so sad.

Isn't it sad. She also gets evangelical about topics. Submerged herself. Even if its Slimmers world, she will tell u, it's the only answer to weight loss...6 months later, it's all shit.
There has to be 2 ways in any relationship and I cant keep wading through the poison hoping it gets better or she leaves him. I feel guilty that I dont want to be round her but its unpleasant

I agree with picsinred.

It's almost like they come to idolise their abusers and want their approval, like children with abusive parents who never grow out of seeking validation from their parents. This happened to me, where I loved to please my abusive husband and wanted to make him laugh. I hate how much I've changed as a person being with him, i don't know who I am anymore.

Exactly.

I was initially super keen to make him happy, then settled for trying to get his approval, eventually was just desperate to keep him from being angry at me. I bent with the hurricane, so that I didn't break.

Doingreat acknowledging it must mean that you can see where the changes are happened and what you were like beffore him? The insight alone means that you can adapt. I suppose you are never going to be the same person you were before but you aren't stuck

Oh yes sadly

Angry partner means I am angry 😡
I hate myself

And my DC also normalise anger

When around it one normalises it sadly

Yes @lolaflores, that's what I'm hoping for. I am very aware of when i slip into patterns of behaviour that i learnt from him. It's a constant exercise in self awareness.

In your case, I would definitely distance myself from her. You've done what you can, but you do not need get involved in her toxicity. And if she asks why, tell her you feel bullied by her. It might be a wake up call for her.

I have told her once how insensitive I found her to bwe and she went straight on the defense/attack mode...that was the first chink at the heart of things. She was deliberately and publicly nasty. SO much so others commented on it and I couldn't let it slide, but she didn't seem to get the message so I am out of fucks to give really.
I don't want an apology, I would just love her see how much damage she has done to herself and yes her kids as they are in this stew of nasty everyday sniping and deep unhappiness.

Her husband likes to laugh at other peoples expense and she now does it without thinking first.

Reading your updates, she sounds bitter and jealous of others. Its not unsurprising, unhappiness can have that effect on one. I know people like this.