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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aggh

15 replies

Aggh · 11/06/2019 05:13

This just crashed, thankfully, cos it was rambling on as I’m trying to work stuff out.
Basically I posted a question on mn and a lot of you took time to tell me I was being abused.
Shock, but I think I knew, just trying not to.
Fed up w being this miserable, I called a counselling service I’d seen before for depression. They saw me next day!
They said, ‘frown waht you’ve told me, it is abuse and controlling behaviour. You need to realise this man doesn’t and never has loved you, it’s all about getting his own needs met. Go see woman’s aid’.
Going today, cos he said to, and he obviously knows his stuff.
Dh been super nice since row on thurs when he called me a bitch and 14 yr dd told him it was abuse. So the fog is descending again. Am I making it up? Have I put a slant on it?
He shouted at me A Lot when kids were younger.
Finally realised it was bad for kids and told him and he finally stopped. Still yells at me . Like very 6 months or so, Hess get v frustrated at job but then is nice for 6 months.
Sorry, I’ll stop going on, it’s 5 and I’ve been awake too long!
What do I do if they suggest leaving?
Aggh!

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 11/06/2019 05:20

If they suggest leaving then I'd make plans to leave.

I'm sorry, I don't mean that to sound so flippant and I know it's not easy. It took me over a year to leave my not-abusive marriage. But at least it gives you somewhere to start, if you get me? "WA think my marriage is abusive enough to leave."

I didn't see your previous thread but if your DD is affected to the point she's speaking out, that's a pretty big "PLEASE DO SOMETHING" wouldn't you say?

Aggh · 11/06/2019 07:00

Yes. Bugger.

OP posts:
Fuckmyliferightnow · 11/06/2019 07:29

Hey Aggh. Glad you spoke to someone.

It's great your teen has your back here, she's obviously sick of his shit and it confirms that it's not "just in your head".

My Dc are too careful around him incase he turns. It's affected us all and it's sad that I didn't have to the guts to acknowledge it before.

Stay strong!

Fuckmyliferightnow · 11/06/2019 07:30

Btw mine DP is being loving and nice, he senses something has shifted in me. It's a proper head fuck!

Fuckmyliferightnow · 11/06/2019 20:53

Hey Aggh how are you doing?

Sally2791 · 11/06/2019 21:07

This is what they do. Twist and turn and mess with your head until you don't know which way is up. That, I think, doesn't happen in a healthy relationship. It's so long since I've had one I'm not sure. My ex H managed to snog another woman in front of me and make me apologise to him for it. Absolutely nobody that I know would believe that I would do that. Believe WA and move on.

Aggh · 11/06/2019 22:48

Hello ms fuckmylfe! And sally, thanks for the reassurance.
Well, went to woman’s aid, and they said, yup. Sounds controlling to us. So am exhausted and a bit confused - after losing it and appearing all twisted and horrible, he’s now being super duper nice, just like yours f.
It’s very headfucky. I’m already doubting myself and if it wasn’t for reminding myself of daughter, I’d be convincing myself I have got it wrong, he’s stressed, I’m being unfair etc etc. Actually am doing exactly that as we speak.
W.a. Said yes, you will think that to defend yourself. Yes, saying he’ll change the bank account and calling you a b,,ch and not approving of what job you do is all controlling.
But on the other hand it’s all so reasonable! Of course he’s stressed if my job doesn’t pay much, and I’ve done stuff wrong, and he doesn’t like work.
Sally I’m glad he’s your ex! I think you are right, apparently they lose it just enough to put you back in your box, and slowly get braver and push it further. Still find it hard to believe!
Ugh too tiring.

OP posts:
springydaff · 12/06/2019 00:16

Do the Freedom Programme. Go along to a course asap.

It will sort your head out in record time xx

Fuckmyliferightnow · 12/06/2019 03:17

I told him I don't love him and that I think he treats me wrong.

He got mad and threw his shirt then he cried, like sobbed loudly.

I do feel bad, doubting I've done the right thing.

He said he called me a cunt because I was being miserable and torturing him with my lack of affection for him for weeks.

Questioning myself now.

What do you want to do now?

Aggh · 12/06/2019 12:02

thanks springydaff. think I will. also reading lundy bancroft and melanie beattie co dependent no more.
Ive found that I suspected things werent right and thought I was wrong because it's all so subtle. - Im not being hit, hes not awful, just wants what he wants. and will play stupid games to get it.
FML, it sounds like you are in a similar situation - I cant advise as Im new at all this, but it does sound to me like you should talk to someone too. A GP if womans aid is too big a step. Am amazed how nice they are tho, a big cup of tea and a smiley lady who listens, reassures you you're not being silly and gently points out what is not good and for what reason.
thanks ladys, better get on!

OP posts:
Aggh · 12/06/2019 12:07

ps, thanks furious.
I realised for the first time talking to wa, that i want my independence back. with or without him. it will be a long and tricky road - and I know it will get nasty. but at least I realise! babysteps!

OP posts:
springydaff · 12/06/2019 20:40

🌸

springydaff · 12/06/2019 20:40

🌸

Aggh · 14/06/2019 22:50

Thanks ladies. Am on a ‘just found out I’m being abused thread, and as am getting muddled, and spending far too much time obsessively reading threads and checking in case anyone has posted, that I will go over there.
Thanks all . You are amazing.

OP posts:
Fuckmyliferightnow · 15/06/2019 07:23

Same Aggh!
Keep reminding yourself and reading, log stuff. We can do this.

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