Trying to support my friend and getting nowhere

[user1471504234]

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate advice as I feel out of my depth with this situation. A few weeks ago my friend (let’s call her S) told me that she had discoved her husband had an affair and that he was moving out. I think she only told me as she had to cancel a plan we had, if not I doubt I would know anything about it. My friend lives in a different part of the country and we see each other maybe twice a year. She has 2 kids and I don’t believe she has much of a support network where she lives.

I have not seen her since she told me but I have tried to stay in contact and offer support. However, other than a couple of replies to my early messages, she has stopped responding to me. I am very aware not to contact her too much, so have reached out once a fortnight or so, with either a text, or on a couple of occasions, a phone call, which has both times been unanswered and not acknowledged. It is over a month since I last tried. I have tried to include news in my messages so it doesn’t seem like I’m just bugging her, but still nothing.

Should I just give up? I have not been in a comparable situation so have no idea what is best for her. The one thing that is making it very difficult for me is that she told me at the start not to tell anyone, so I find myself avoiding mutual friends, which was fine for a while but is getting harder. I went for dinner with one friend (M) recently, who was so upset about not hearing from S, wondering if she had done anything to upset S, and just really worried about why S had dropped off the radar. It was horrible for me to see M so upset and not be able to say anything, so I want to avoid similar situations, but obviously still want to see mutual friends.

I have plenty on my plate at the moment with my own family, work and life commitments so it would be easy to just walk away, but obviously I don’t want to lose a friend. I suppose I am asking if there is anything else I could do, or if anyone has been in a situation like this, what was helpful, and what should I try and avoid? Many thanks

I'd be so concerned about her that I'd want at least one person out of your friendship group to make face to face contact.

I think she only told me as she had to cancel a plan we had

Yeah, take the hint. Stop contacting her.

Thanks for your reply. I think I am the only person who knows so it would have to be me. I know she is ‘OK’ as she has posted on social media a couple of times lately, just photos of the kids, no mention of anything else. The issue with me trying to see her is that she is so far away and even if I could get the time to go look for her I’m not even sure that she would be there or even where she might be living right now, and also I guess there is part of me that thinks maybe she just wants me to leave her alone so turning up unannounced would be particularly unwelcome.

Could she have taken him back and regrets telling you their business so has decided to phase you out rather than explain her choice or feel judged even if you're not the type?

I agree with mawo, it often happens that people regret confiding such things. Just cool it and leave it to her to contact you.

Regarding mutual friends, don't tell them anything, be vague if they ask and you can truthfully say you've heard nothing from her for a while.

Hi, yes it had crossed my mind, though she appears to have deleted him off social media. I know that doesn’t mean anything necessarily but I was looking for clues. I hope she wouldn’t think I would judge her, I’m not exactly a shining example of relationship success myself! But who knows...

Thanks Bluerussian, yes that’s the approach I took with our mutual friend I saw recently, though it was horrible seeing her so upset and not being able to explain. But hopefully other friends might not be quite so aware the S has gone quiet.
Yeah I guess I will just leave it now, I was worried as you hear tales of people’s friends abandoning them when things get tough and I didn’t want to be that friend. But I have tried and hopefully she will come to realise that in time, even if we lose touch

I suppose whether she needs support is different from wanting it. Maybe she has someone else to support her or maybe she thinks she can deal with it herself. I’ve known a few people go silent at this stage. They are caught up in the breakup or reunion and focused on the ex or DH.

They do come up for air eventually one way or the other.

Maybe send her a last message along the lines of "I know you're probably up to your eyes with stuff so don't want to keep bombarding you with messages. When you have a bit of breathing space I'd love for you to restart our chats. Thinking of you, lots of love etc etc..."