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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why delete?

20 replies

Chocopop · 10/06/2019 22:21

First time poster here hoping to calm my anxiety over this, my husband told me last week Friday that he had a msg from an old friend (women) that he used to work with, they apparently got on well, he told me she had a thing for him but apparently he made it clear he wasn't interested (knowing my husband it was done in a flirty way) anyway she messaged him told him she missed him he replyed asking if "she was drunk lol" then nothing,on Friday he told me he met with her and they chatted told me about the convo topic ext.... (it was late at night) he works nights, I know he would have called or text her to arrange to meet but I can't find anything on his phone, he has all other calls/texts made that day on his log but not her?? I'm wondering why he deleted it, I know it seems bad I'm checking up on him but I don't like being in situations where a girl will come up to me and say oh I know your husband we spoke on xyz we spoke about xyz (my husbands job means he meets loads of people every night) I just don't like being blindsighted by a female I hardly know, I don't think he cheated but I don't get why he would delete the evidence of the conversation, maybe he spoke with her in a way he knew I wouldn't like... ergh I don't know, either way it's playing on my mind and I don't want to ask because he will know I've snooped.

I'm just wondering if there is something I'm missing because I'm going into anxiety mode and thinking erationally about it xx

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 10/06/2019 22:35

I just don't like being blindsighted by a female

your not, but you ARE being blindsided by your DH Flowers

Jools7711 · 11/06/2019 08:39

Why did he need to meet with her?? Alarm bells would be ringing for me... and why he has deleted the messages? It's obvious.. because he is cheating. As the poster stated above, you are being blindsided by your husband. It is possible he was cheating before and she wants more but is now threatening to tell you. It could be anything along those lines, but one thing, it isn't a good thing. You know the old say, if it walks like a duck...

MsDogLady · 11/06/2019 20:04

He knows that she “had a thing” for him and she messaged that she misses him. He should have immediately shut her down. Instead, he met up with her and seems to have deleted their messages.

It sounds like he is pursuing this ego boost.

Chocopop · 12/06/2019 14:48

Thanks for the replys sorry it's taking me ages to reply, I have a busy schedule right now,
he claims she has just recently split with her boyfriend (apparantly he was a nasty peice of work who ended up cheating on her and having a child with someone else) I don't know why she msged him but he told me that he was basically telling her she needs to sort herself out as she apparently has lost respect from family, and her close friends will just agree with her and go along with it all even if they think it's wrong (people pleasers).
I think she may have reached out knowing my husband will tell her the truth (he doesn't suger coat sh*t, however I do think there was some initial ego stroking going on from the first messages that she sent) and then it turned into a serious convo about her life. Hope this makes sense I'm only getting drips and drabs about what was said

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whateverhappenstheremore · 12/06/2019 15:08

This is very similar to what happened with me. All WhatsApp and texts deleted so it was obvious there was something in there. I confronted him and in the end he admitted to an emotional affair. One year later we are still together but the marriage is broken. Trust your gut

RantyAnty · 12/06/2019 15:21

How would she have gotten his contact details in the first place?

He should have shut her down and then blocked her not made arrangements to meet her.

I don't buy her wanting him for advice. Surely this woman has other people in her life to go to rather than an old workmate she hasn't seen in ages.

MsDogLady · 12/06/2019 15:29

Emotional affairs often begin with ‘confiding’ and ‘comforting.’ It sounds like he is enjoying being her white knight.

He knows that she fancies him. It is entirely inappropriate for him to be interacting with her on this level.

Chocopop · 12/06/2019 15:45

Thanks for the replys, I totally agree it is unexceptable, we have been through this time and time again, about boundaries with other females (can I just add I never get myself into a situation where I am solely talking/texting /calling another guy about his personnal sh*t out of respect for my husband) yes I have male friends but all iteractions are public and any msgs/calls ext.... are never deleted, he knows I hate stuff like this and yes maybe he is hiding something, I even asked him if this was reversed how would he feel?? His reply he wouldn't like it

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Robin2323 · 12/06/2019 16:12

This is oh so familiar.
Knight in shining amour syndrome.
These women know what they doing and men get easily swept
Up by it.
Draw the line now.

Scorpvenus1 · 12/06/2019 16:18

I'm sorry but if my DH arranged to meet any woman from the past.... I would have his guts for garters.

In no circumstance should married men be meeting with other women hidden or not. If you cant be a one woman man then don't be any woman's man I say :)

get yourself a nice man off facebook or something, go for a few lunches see how he likes it. His behaviour id say is a precursor to infidelity. Hiding the messages says it all

MsDogLady · 12/06/2019 17:25

...we have been through this time and time again...

So this is a pattern. He feels entitled to cross boundaries and be secretive, but would hate your doing the same.

I would not tolerate this. He is behaving like a single man, and is making a fool of you.

Get angry and impose consequences. Tell him to leave.

category12 · 12/06/2019 20:17

Oh dear, a woman with a sob-story that needs his agony-uncle talents? If that was my ex, he'd be comforting her with his cock. He was always feeling "sorry" for apparently sad women and what was annoying about it was he acted like I should be sympathetic towards her too. Fell for it a few times. Blush

category12 · 12/06/2019 20:19

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category12 · 12/06/2019 20:19

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category12 · 12/06/2019 20:28

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category12 · 12/06/2019 20:32

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category12 · 12/06/2019 20:37

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category12 · 12/06/2019 20:41

OMG, sorry - the site glitched but good.

Chocopop · 13/06/2019 06:39

He knows I'm not happy, I'm going to keep quite carry on and watch him, he will slip up at some point, I'm so freaking angry right now, her number is saved on his phone so at least he's not hiding that like the last time

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Chocopop · 16/06/2019 00:17

Does anyone know why I can no longer see his facebook messages, they were all there 3 ish days ago ?? Now it says something about secret messages, I have tried to follow Google instructions but it still won't let me see

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