I’m too scared to leave

[MissTabitha]

I’m hoping for some advice from people who have been here before me.

I’m married to a very nice guy. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10. We have 2 young children.

Before I got together with him I had been out with several guys, a few long term relationships, but had been dumped by my previous 5 boyfriends/flings. I think I was just so grateful that someone nice, intelligent and attractive wanted to date me. Plus I was desperate for children.

Fast forward a few years, we got married, had children, but I have had a series of crushes on other men. Had therapy. Therapist thinks I’m into the whole fairytale and not the reality of a relationship. Fair enough. My fear is that I just don’t love him enough.

My latest crush has hurt me (I never told him) and taken its toll on me.

I don’t know what to do. We haven’t had sex for a year.

I like him. We have a decent lifestyle. But I’m 39 and am wondering if I should break everything up? It would be so painful for everyone and would possibly achieve nothing. I’m not strong enough to leave.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

Please can people be kind. I’m feeling really sad and I don’t think I could cope with anything too harsh at the moment.

Do the decent thing and leave. I'd be devastated if I learned that dh got with me because he was desperate for children, was grateful someone half-decent showed an interest and then spent the duration of our marriage crushing on other people. Where dc are involved I usually suggest counselling but you've already had that. Go and live your dream and let him find someone who appreciates him.

Thanks for your reply. I just don’t want to cause everyone pain, especially my sons.

You cannot leave without causing some pain. But if you stay can you trust yourself to make dh happy and not to let a crush develop into an affair? How happy is he - sex isn’t everything but no sex for a year says something about the relationship doesn’t it?

I don’t think he’s happy but maybe we could become happy. I don’t want to be without the boys. Maybe I can just bury it all.

"I don’t want to be without the boys. "

It's not just about you though. You can choose to waste your own life if you want, but hardly fair to waste dh's life too.

Separation causes short term pain but there's no reason why you can't go on to be friends and co parents, with happy children who are loved in two homes.

Do you find your dh attractive?

Whatever you’re looking for in men in hasn’t happened and probably isn’t likely to happen. This is about you and not the men you’ve tried filling the void with. How did your latest crush hurt you if he didn’t know you had a crush on him? There’s a real danger you’ll lurch from one unsatisfactory relationship to another, while on your quest for whatever is missing.

The current situation is very unfair on your H and you need to be honest because I cannot imagine what he’s told himself about your lack of interest in him.