I finished it, I think I was right to, but I am sad

[flipperdoda]

This is not surprising in lots of ways. I broke up with my partner of 4 years last week. No kids, didn't live together at that moment in time, it was an "easy" breakup. I'm even the one who instigated it!

We had various communication/priority/time issues anyway but our futures didn't line up together and I realised I didn't want to follow his path (dictated by his career).

I don't think it was the wrong decision. I'm just really sad all of a sudden. I was fine for a few days and I think I'm now grieving - everything is a reminder of buying it together/living together with X in the room as well, etc.

I don't necessarily miss him but I miss it and what I thought it could all be.

I'm young and I have time and we weren't married and I know this is so minor in comparison to lots of others here. But...I'm just sad.

It is sad. And it's ok for you to be sad.
You just need to remind yourself why you made that decision.

It is sad! That was your life for 4 years, you've just finished this chapter.
Everyone has breakups yes, but please don't minamise yours just because "others have it worse"
You are allowed to feel unhappy, you are allowed to grieve the what could have beens, you are completely fine to wallow in self pity, but don't stay there for too long. You're also allowed to look at the good bits and the happy memories too, just don't go backwards, remember why you made the decision and hold strong when you feel yourself wobble.

Also, please remember, your success rate of getting through bad days is 100% you'll come through the otherside happier and stronger, just look after you x

OP, I finished my relationship a year ago this month after 7 years. It was a tempestuous relationship, I didn’t love him, he wasn’t a bad man though.

I am still sad one year on, knowing full well I didn’t want to be with him. I have asked myself over and over why I’m sad. I have come to the conclusion that I am mourning the loss of those years, but also the huge void that is needing to be filled now. I’m also not young

We are grieving the end of a relationship, even though it (mine) wasn’t good.

You’ll be happy again, this feeling will pass I guarantee you

Oh and I go over the ‘did I do the right thing by ending it’ and I completely stand by my decision.

You had the courage to end things because you had communication problems. He was not willing to prioritize and spend time with you. Also long term you did not want your life being dectated by his job.
I can understand why your sad because your life has changed suddenly after the past few years. Contact your friends and let them know what happened. See if you can get involved in some new groups so you have things to do in the evening and at weekends.
It will get easier. In time you will see you made the right decision.

Hey my mum once told me that some relationships you don't grieve the loss of the person but what you thought your future was going to be.

In my case I was a bit of a wreck after an abusive relationship, exhausted and glad to be free but I grieved too. It wasn't getting shot of the twat that made me so sad it was that what I thought my life was and was going to be just wasn't like that in reality.

I'm really sorry you feel so sad, it is shit even if it was an ok relationship that you just grew apart from.

Hope you have a friend/cat/dog netflix to take your mind off it for a bit if it gets too much.

And well done for making the right choice for you too, that's really important and the strength it takes to do that sometimes is not to be underestimated!

You’ve been really brave. xx

I think the first while after a break up you are fuelled by adrenaline.
That wears off, and then you just have to go through the sad. It just has to be done....

Thank you all for the lovely responses. I have just moved to a new area - same workplace and general area so still see friends etc but I think it hit me how I haven't yet built a life here yet!

It's actually not a bad thing because loads of my evenings are filled up with trying out clubs etc (partly just because, partly I knew I should keep busy and try to find new, local friendships).

@HowdidIenduphere

I think your mum is exactly right. It's so strange because half the reason I ended it is that I don't want that life, but I guess I did want the good parts and the fun parts, it just wasn't enough. And now I'm mourning the could have beens for those sections!

@Ilady & @greenflamingo

Thank you. I am actually really proud of myself, I feel like I was strong to make the decision and prioritised things in a very sensible way. I want more than I had (and I genuinely want him to have it too) and I know there are better relationships out there for both of us to build. That does take the edge of somewhat but...it's still there!

Feeling a bit better this morning especially after reading these.

Off to throw myself into work to distract/realise I have other things that are good in my life!

@flipperdoda my heart goes out to you, I think I'm pretty much in the same position. Same issue with priorities and our future being dictated by his career. He told me he doesn't want all the same things we had always talked about and now I'm taking some time to work up the courage to call it quits. Well done you for taking the steps, I hope you feel better. The sadness is horrible!

@Itsallpointless

I forgot to reply earlier! Well done on your bravery. Sadness is better than being with someone you don't actually love.

@chickenlittle12345 I'm still overall more glad than sad. Maybe relieved is a better word than glad! It had been a long time coming for me, I'm sorry yours was more out of the blue. Mine did want all the things we'd spoken about but couldn't understand why I felt it was impossible/exceedingly difficult with his career path. We have to value ourselves first. You can do it!

A good day at work this end (with an early finish - early start too though!) and off to a local sports/fitness club tonight.

You have a sound head on those shoulders

Onwards and upwards! I'm glad you are getting out and about, hope you feel miles better quickly

@HowdidIenduphere

Thank you! Up and down this end but I suppose that's the be expected.

I didn't think/worry/miss it at all during the club last night which was ideal. Favourite jumper and some chocolate packed for work today so I'm coping I'd say!

Also have NOT comfort eaten at all which I'm so proud of. The chocolates is portioned out! No covering up emotions with chocolate and sweets like usual!

I’m proud of you! Too many people stick to relationships that aren’t right because they fear being alone. Being alone is far better than the constant niggles and doubts. I’m trying to remind myself of this as I broke up with my partner last week under not dissimilar circumstances. I’m definitely mourning the lost future hard and struggling to remember I have been happy alone. Everything reminds me of him. Nice to think I’m not actually alone in my aloneness.

@CRbear I'm reminding myself of that too! I keep remembering the good times, the laughter, the cuddles...and conveniently forgetting the crying myself to sleep after trying to discuss things, all the time feeling alone, generally just questioning things really often.

It's amazing how the brain refocuses onto the good so quickly! Defensive mechanism I suppose.

You are definitely not alone. There's so many of us out there choosing "more". I'm proud of you too!

How are you getting on @flipperdoda ?

I had a bad day yesterday and morning today but feeling stronger now.

@CRbear I'm glad you're feeling stronger now and hope that's continued into today! Have you got friends rallying around?

Mixed for me. I had a couple of really bad days then pulled myself out of the funk for a couple more days. It was his birthday yesterday and since I genuinely want to be friends or at least on reasonable terms in the future I didn't feel I couldn't message - but that then made me miserable! Struggling a bit when I have to tell people about the breakup too.

I'd say generally I'm doing better than this post makes it sound though - I'm staying busy. Lots of local clubs/crafts/reading going on!

I could have written your post. Also keeping really busy. Also sounds like I’m doing worse when I write it down haha. Doing a sewing class I've wanted to do for ages, booked an extravagant holiday for a few weeks time. Was at a baby shower on Saturday. I didn’t feel broody at all, but it made me long for the future we had planned, to be part of a/his (I don’t know) team again.

I’ve got friends i would never have guessed would, texting to check up on me which has been so nice- it’s made me realise how many people care! The worst is telling them as you say. Trying to remember to text people and tell them before i see them to avoid the blindside as that seems to be when I cry... hope you’ve got plenty of friends around too.

Don’t know how old you are but I’m really having to fight down the feeling that I have given up my shot at marriage and kids- that there’s a chance it won’t happen for me now. Trying to remember that’s the case for everyone really, no one knows what the future holds.

Sewing class sounds so fun! I've recently gained a sewing machine in my life, once it's in my flat I need to re-learn how to use it...

I know what you mean about the future. I'm mid twenties so age wise absolutely fine, but have endometriosis and have been told if I want kids to start trying early. That with a few other medical things is also tough - how and when would I even bring that up dating? He went through all the diagnoses and surgeries with me so it was never an issue having to tell him as such!

That's so lovely about the friends :) nobody is really checking up on me - people have said I can call if I need a chat which is lovely but otherwise it's just my mum intermittently! Lots don't know yet though and I would call - but I tend to be a work it through by myself person.

You've definitely not given up your chance at marriage. Never too old for that - and you wouldn't want to be in an unhappy marriage! Kids - I can't say, and that's tough. I hope you do someday get the family you're hoping for, whether that's birthing children yourself, adopting, marrying into a family, etc. But even if you don't, there is so much out there and it's better to be a happy version of you. You know that couldn't have happened by staying.