My sister

[LoveAngel]

...is a lovely girl - bright, funny, kind, quite shy on first impressions but lots of fun once you get to know her. However, she doesn't have a single good friend of her own. She has friends of a sort - people she studied with or used to work with that she sees occasionally - but no close friendships. She has spoken to me about this several times over the last few years - just little comments like 'you're very lucky to have such good friends' etc - and I have tried to encourage her into situations where she can meet people, but she still hasn't managed to make any real freinds. Tonight I phoned her to see what she was up to and she suddenly burst into tears and admitted that she is extremely lonely and feels a failure that she has reached the age of 29 and has no friends at all. She feels like the few social acquaintances she does have are only there because she makes the effort and that their friendships are always on their terms - ie. she falls in with what they want to do, she shows interest in their lives etc and it is never returned.

Perhaps she is being a bit self pitying, I dont know, bit it has obviously become a huge issue in her life and it breaks my heart to hear her talking about herself, using words like 'sad' and 'failure'. She is honestly such a wonderful girl - she has the best sense of humour, is very loyal and generous and will do anything for anyone. It seems so wrong that she doesnt have any good friends, particularly girlfriends. One issue with my sister that I have definitely noticed is that she seems to attract quite insecure, bitchy girls as friends - she isnt a bitchy person at all, but she is stunningly beautiful, like model gorgeous, tall, blonde etc. i often wonder if her beauty, coupled with her intelligence and just general fabulousness actually turns people off - they feel intimidated, insecure or whatever...?

Anyway, sorry to waffle on..I just feel so bad for her and other than the crappy 'join a club, take up some more social activities...etc' line I dont know how to advise her. Any suggestions?

loveangel, she's lucky to have a sister like you who cares so much. Maybe you're right and if she's a bit shy and very beautiful is she giving off aloof vibes which could scare off normal types? Could she relax a bit more around strangers?

Depending what sort of work she does, could she ask a non-threatening female colleague/neighbour out for a lunchtime/evening drink or something? It only needs one or two confidants to start the ball rolling.

Sounds cheesy, but the only way to have a friend is to be one. Plainer people are often more fun than glamourpusses because they've developed a personality not relied on their looks for attention. Her 'friends' sound vain and shallow. Could she start paying attention to someone less glam than she is? Someone warm and genuine? She could ring an old school acquaintance, I can't believe there's no potential there. Most people would welcome new friends in their lives, I know I would. Just a few thoughts, hth, and once again you're a great sister.

where does she live I'll be her friend! I sometimes think it is hard to meet new people that you just click with as you get older, in same job for years etc etc Many people have best friends they've known for a long time so don't take on "new" friends etc

how's her self-esteem generally? If she tends to fall in with what ever others want to do, does she do this because of low self-esteem or because she is generally laid back?

If she does have problems like that it may be worth finding some way to work on her esteem first and then that may help her to solve the friend problem.

Is there any old friends that she has lost contact with that she would like to get into contact with - say through facebook, friends reunited or similar?

oh bless her and bless you.

She sounds like great friend material but perhaps because she's a bit shy and also very beautiful, people assume she's all set with a fabulous social life and doesn't need anyone?

Looking back, I've made friends because I've bonded with people during certain times or experiences. (Oh, by the way, I'm not at all beautiful in case that sounded like a sequitur when it's a total non-sequitur!)

When you're all in it together, it's easier to break down barriers. Can she go off on one of those overland in a truck holidays where you don't have a shower for a month and you all muck in putting up tents and what have you? It just sounds like she needs occasions to develop intimacy with people and sometimes that takes time.

And one other thought. How come she's attracting bitchy friends? Sounds like she's waiting for people to pick her rather than picking the people she likes. She might need to take control of relationship-building. Spot a few people at work who look possible friend material. Sit next to them at lunch. Suggest a drink after work one night. Hey presto. Friends who aren't bitches.

I'm sure you've said all this but it's also worth saying there have been times and jobs and schools where I've had no friends. Some times you just don't click with people. That's when you rely on the friends you already have and if you don't already have friends, you go out and slog through activities till you find some.

Oh, this message really struck a chord with me. I kind of drifted along with various 'groups' of friends coming and going as I moved about in my twenties. Suddenly, one day in my early thirties, following a very messy break up from which i felt i had no choice but to walk away from a group of mutual friends, I woke up to discover that i didnt really have any friends around me.

I dont want to turn this into an abridged story of my life, so to cut to the chase, I have been very insecure and fragile about this for many years, scared that people would judge me about it and think there must be a reason for me not having 'best mates from way back'. But, as I have got older and wiser dare i say it, i have been able to suddenly look back and try to view it all from a different perspective. Now, i dont think it is a problem with me, i think it is more that i have genuinely not met that many people who i have had that special spark with. Slowly I am meeting more people, through different times in life - becoming a mum is a great time to meet new friends, and I'm sure your sister has many nice things ahead of her.

I KNOW how painful she must find it and how alone she must feel. Yes, it is a cliche, but she should just get out there and join a club or something. It is a really good way to meet people, with the focus being on other things.

Please tell her to be kind to herself, and to remember she is not the only one who feels like this. Probably lots of people she knows feel they don't have as fulfilling friendships as they would like.

Oo-errr this is a real highland ramble

my 2 best friends are people I went to school with, however we were not close at school they were friendships that developed after we left. More recently I've made close friends via church and through the children but only really 2 or 3 in 10 years!!!!

I have had this feeling too - I don't want to go into it too much but when I fell pregnant I lost alot of friends as their lives were going in a different direction to mine. I was very lonely at 23 - I'm now 32 and although I do not have anything like a huge throng of friends.....the people I class as friends are genuinely people i get on with - these may be other mums, dp's friends or work colleagues. So your sister may well just not have met people she has clicked with yet and as her life changes she will make different friends - it's not the quantity it's the quality !! And you seem a very good friend to your sister.

Thank you so much for all your lovely, thoughtful replies. I wasnt expecting this amount of response. Lots of food for thought xx