Just realized how controlling my Mum is.How to handle the situation.

[whatisforteamum]

I grew up in a strict family where my Mum was the boss.She said jump we said how high.I developed anorexia and anxiety and in fact all my siblings have MH and low self esteem issues even the adopted ones.
My dsis dropped contact with my parents long ago.then my adopted dbro tried to point out how bad she was I didn't listen as I had the utmost.respect for them.D f .was a lovely man however he did make judgements on our jobs and anything related to our dcs.
When df died dm scattered his ashes then we all found out via social media where he was!! Unbelievably cruel.So my 2 disis and 2 dbro dropped contact.
My dh and I felt sorry.for her so helped out with shopping etc.I haven't visited so much as I'm working on my career after years of anxiety and sorry over her I'll health and dfs.
I rang her as we.are awaiting genetic cancer.testing to see if her cancer was.hereditary and she lectured me on working too much(I love it and DH was made redundant earlier.this year) and telling me off for not cooking.or food shopping when she knows I cant.drive due to panic attacks and I get.home 1030 at night on a 55 hour week.
I'm in my 50s ffs.I get life.goes quickly while we're busy doing other things but I love.to be busy and have money coming in.
How do I keep contact and get the relevant genetic test.results without her winding me up!
There is every chance she will let us know in a callous way like she did when DFs ashes were scattered 😢

I’m sorry that your mother is an arse. Mine is too. Gradually reducing contact helps reduce my exposure to her bizarre behaviour. I’ve also started seeing a therapist. Knowing that others find her impossible (my siblings, my husband, anyone who’s ever had anything more than a superficial short term contact with her) has been very affirming. Just because others have chosen to reduce contact doesn’t mean you are obliged to fill the void. Interestingly, my mother appears not to have noticed my absence!

You do not need her involvement for genetic testing. Your GP can refer you. DH has done it.

You won't be able to trust her to tell you the truth about the genetic testing, either way.

Explain the situation to the GP and get referred for your own testing.

Dm has had ovarian cancer twice and has had free testing..due to her family history.I would very much like to know where we stand.I can't believe I have always stood by her.Even my much favoured dbro dropped her after df died.Now he resorts to odd phone calls.One grandson she didn't particularly favour gets slagged off when I call her as he hasn't cut her grass for her.He must know he wasn't made too welcome yet she expects him to jump for money when she needs him!!Her dsis and dbro don't contact her and she has no friends as they were all dfs.

I agree....She has her own motifs in life.When DF told us we would get a chunk of the sale of their home she said not if she spent it first.Very cruel on df who always provided for her and she barely ever worked
.would not surprise me if she left any assets to some bizzare cause.Another reason I work hard to carve my own path and save for the future😢

Bonzo77 what does your DO do that is odd?

There's a Father's Day sale at 23&me until 17th June. £109 will get you the health and ancestry report. Once you get the results (a few months) you can log in to the website and see the health implications, including links to scientific papers if you want to go that deep. They update as new research comes in.

Even if you mother's cancer has a genetic component it doesn't mean you inherited it, so you'd need your own test anyway.

Yes I am aware that it her test is positive my dsis and I will need testing next.Even if it is negative we will be at an increased risk as not all hereditary cancers are known get and our Df also had cancer too.

@whatisforteamum total re-writing of history / gas lighting. Planning how she’s going to be a bitch at my grandma’s funeral (she’s not dead yet). Insinuating that my dad is sleeping / has slept with his sister. Delusions of grandeur (says she’s “in government”- she is not, she has a job in the civil service). Picks fights. Bullies one of my kids. Clearly favours my middle brother (and his kids) over me ( and my kids) and the youngest brother. Cannot deal with not being centre of attention. Hates my father but has stayed the last 40 years, especially the last 25, for the money. Makes everything always about her (see above my grandmas funeral, she does the same about every family occasion: births, marriages and deaths).

If you look back you'll find a long history of your mother controlling you and exerting her will. You've no doubt been conditioned by her to feel you have to give everything of yourself. It's called the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It's all part of a power game, usually played by a narcissist, to enforce a lifelong hold over you. You owe this woman nothing, being in a relationship with her simply reinforces the granite hold she loves to exert over you.

You need to think of yourself here. What are you getting out of this relationship with her? Why do you feel the need to conform? Your siblings have the right idea, the only way to stop this woman winding you up is to cut contact.

You'll find the website www.outofthefog.net most illuminating, and you'll find this stance of power and control dates back to your childhood.

Why don’t you just get the genetic testing and not bother asking her any more? Clearly she is going this for control.

You seem like a kind sensitive sole Whatis - I hope you are able to maintain a relationship with your siblings despite your mother.
She is cruel really at times.
Seek your own advice by seeing your GP - I’m tested for bowel cancer as both my parents had bowel cancer. 🌺

Thank you all
.I Growing up any child is loyal to their parents.When I suffered anorexia and panic attacks I had therapy.My parents were asked to come to one session.My lovely Dad duly took us all smartly dressed.The psychiatrist said next time I saw him some one I your family has real issues you are the one with symptoms...(Mum.)
In my 20s she called me a slut/quote when she found out I had sex with my now husband of 32 years.I went to work sobbing!
When my Dad's mum died she said if I didn't go to the funeral I couldn't go to hers....it was after Xmas and my kids had had almost three weeks off with snow days so my husband represented us while I got them to school.
When df was dying over six dreadful weeks she kept on about how I was working.When I just started a new job.I was there the last few days and all his life before.😢
She would not visit me when I left home as I wasn't married.I understand why she says she sees no one from week to week.My husband helps her loads.
I would even say she had an influence over me moving in with dh..He rescued me from a volatile home life so although he seemed a little unambitious he was kind to me.I used to go to his home in years as a young adult.
I can't get tested before my Mum as GP told me there isn't enough evidence then mum saw her consultant who suggested it out of the blue.I hope she tells us in a kind way not on social media or a phone call.Knowing I work long hours and will probably leave an answer phone message.
When this is over I think I will go NC.I've hardly seen anyone due to being up at 6 home at 1030 so I doubt I will miss her.

Update.I spoke to DM.She says she hasn't had the results yet.Then she said perhaps the family should not know
.My dh has been made redundant and my dsis son has just been diagnosed with brudga type 1 a n electrical heart problem when he can go into sudden cardiac.arrest.He is 29.
So there we go.All the weeks of worry for nothing.All I can do is get tested myself at great expense.I can't decide if she is being kind of cruel on this occassion.She keeps saying how she will feel when the letter arrives.so i said it's not your fault and she said she knows.

It needn’t cost you anything. Speak to your GP. They can refer for genetic counselling and then they will advise if testing is needed. And do it on the NHS.

I agree with bonzo77. I've had ovarian cancer and know about the genetic testing. See your GP and explain that your mother has had it - they will refer you for genetic testing. Then you won't have to rely on her for information.

Thank you.When I saw the GP last winter with exhaustion and stomach pains she said I probably wasn't at risk.Then dm was offered testing through her oncologist as he said to survive twice at stage 4 was remarkable and suggestive of a genetic element to respond to chemo.I will enquire myself again.

Birdie I am sorry you have gone through this.Best wishes for the future.