I am a terrible person.

[GreeenEyeGirl]

This thread is massively inspired by another thread, as you'll probably be able to tell.

I'm expecting to get completely flamed for this as I've seen how the other one went. I just hope some people might be able to show some compassion although I know I don't deserve it.

Im not trying to make excuses for my actions but it is relevant. I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood and by the time I reached adulthood, I had absolutely no confidence or self respect. In fact, I hated myself. I was plagued with eating disorders and when I got to the age where I started drinking, I did so excessively. To the point of not knowing where I was or what I was doing. I had an awful group of friends at the time too which didn't help matters. I suppose you could say that when I reached adulthood, I hit a self destruct button. My first boyfriend was a terrible person who used to make me sleep with him numerous times a day or he would get annoyed at me. I tried to leave him but he blackmailed me with pictures he had of me. Luckily I finally managed to break away from him after a year but my confidence was at an all time low. I felt that all anyone wanted me for was sex. I was ugly, fat and all the other things my mum had told me I was, so that was all I was good for. When I was 19, I met someone. I was a state of a human being at the time but somehow he saw what was beneath all of that. He worked away so we didn't see much of each other. At the beginning of our relationship, and when we were exclusive, I carried on drinking myself into oblivion and sleeping with other men. This is absolutely disguising behaviour and it is inexcusable. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think back. A few months into our relationship, i turned a huge corner. For the first time in my life, I realised I wasn't all these things I thought I was and that i needed to change now or my life would completely fall apart. I stopped drinking to excess. I took myself away from my group of friends and I started believing that the guy I had met actually liked me and wasn't just using me for one thing. At the time, I was so afraid to come clean because he was the first and only good thing I had in my life. I realise how horrible and selfish that is of me. We are now a decade down the track with kids in the mix. I have been a entirely faithful the whole rest of our relationship but I do carry enormous guilt for the horrible person that I was and for how I treated him in the early days. I don't really know why I'm posting as I know no one can solve this for me. Many times I've considered telling him but I don't want to break his heart. In fact he once told me, in a hypothetical conversation (when discussing a friend's situation), that he wouldn't want to know about a mistake like that in the early days so I don't think he'd want me to tell him. I just can't forgive myself though. I suppose that's my burden to bear. I suppose I just want to offload because keeping this inside is just awful at times.

You are not a terrible person.

You have managed to find yourself and make a good life for yourself despite an awful start in life.
It seems that his love for you made you realise that you are deserving of love and you stopped your self destructive behaviour- but that was a process that took time.

There is probably an unconscious part of him that knows, and he has clearly told you that he doesn't want to know.

If course it is a burden for you to carry this guilt, but it won't be resolved by telling him.

I would advise you to get some counselling to talk it through, process it so that you can move on and enjoy what you have.

In your post you show a lot of awareness of what was driving you to do what you did. Make sense of it now to yourself through adult eyes. please be kind to your younger self, be compassionate towards her and let go of the guilt.

Hugs.

Normally I feel quite strongly about being honest and upfront with partners even about things from the early days. But what you've said OP is completely different.

You weren't out to hurt him, you were the one really suffering and hurting. I would feel exactly the same as you in your position, but I think like a PP has said that your partner maybe has an idea about things at the start and he clearly adores you.

Don't let the guilt eat you up, enjoy the love you have for each other

He doesn’t need know, it wont help either of you now. It may be possible he wasn't faithful either in the beginning and he may have an inkling and he must have been aware of how you felt about yourself.

Usually I would say you should always be honest, but I think in this case there is nothing to be gained. He knew you were a mess, I suspect he already knows (or at least suspects) that you didn't suddenly straighten up when you met him. It also sounds like he's told you he doesn't want to know. You had a hellish start in life, you've done really well with his help. Don't ruin all your lives now just to alleviate your guilt. Let it go xx

Get some counselling - or preferably proper therapy if you can afford it. You need to work through the difficult start in life, the behaviour it led to, and the turmoil all of that has left you with. Don't even think about telling your partner until you've worked through your current feelings. Any decisions about that need to be made from a calm and considered place - not out of churning emotions and guilt.

In fact he once told me, in a hypothetical conversation (when discussing a friend's situation), that he wouldn't want to know about a mistake like that in the early days so I don't think he'd want me to tell him.

He may not know exactly what was going on, but he does know that something was. He knew you, he saw you change, he saw the real you emerge in those early days.

Don't feel guilt for yourself. Feel anger at those who let you get so damage, and acknowledge that when you met someone who was decent and loving, you were able to eventually recognise it and truly love them back.

And most of all, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Oh and if you want to say something to him, just say "Thank you for sticking with me in those early days, when I was such a mess." And then leave it at that.

What happened when you were first together happened because of the way you'd been treated. It wasn't you being a bitch, it was you following your script of life. I'm worthless. I'm useless. I destroy everything. I don't deserve anything good.

You say you were exclusive etc. but you were still having to adjust to being with someone who cared and that's scarier because it's new.

In your head I'd try and reframe the start of the relationship. Your relationship, your commitment came when you were sober, when you were free from your shit mates, and when you realised he might be right about you being worthy of love. From then you've been faithful.

I'd seriously consider getting some kind of talking therapy to work through all of this out loud, or calling someone like Samaritans (you don't need to be suicidal) where it's safe to just vomit all your feelings and fears out.

Finally, he's made it clear he doesn't want to know. Maybe he suspects you weren't perfect in those early days. Thst there would be teething problems. He's decided he doesn't care. He's decided that he loves you and wants to be with you.

You have his unspoken permission to forgive yourself

Hello I dont think you are terrible at all. You had a very difficult start to your adult life and you should feel proud to have come through it. You have a partner and family who love you.

I agree with PPs it wont make it better to tell him - you need to unburden to a counsellor instead and make peace with your past and move on. Forgive yourself - its the past. Look to the future with your family. If it makes you feel better perhaps get involved with a charity to help others. Good luck

Frankly I would be shocked if he didn't suspect it, which is why he said he wouldn't want to know. Respect what he's said and work on letting go of your guilt. You didn't do it because you're a terrible person.

I must lack any kind of moral compass because I wouldn’t feel at all guilty about not telling him now would I particularly think I’d done anything wrong, given the circumstances.

There’s nothing to be gained by “coming clean”. You can’t make it all “unhappen”; you won’t make your OH happier; you probably won’t even feel any better yourself; it will probably damage your relationship. There is literally no upside to telling him. As you’ve said, you know why you behaved the way you did, you’ve taken big steps to mend yourself and make sure it wouldn’t happen again, and you’ve done nothing similar since. As far as I’m concerned, that’s far more of an admission of regret (and a positive one) and affirmation of personal growth than any “coming clean” ever is.

PP you've done nothing wrong. Forgive yourself and enjoy your life

Reading your replies has brought me to tears. I was really expecting to be told how disrespectful I've been. I was fully prepared for that and I suppose in a strange way thought that being ripped into by a group of strangers would in some way be a form of punishment for what I have done.

I wouldn't say I have ever been suicidal. But I have been depressed and I do suffer with bad anxiety daily. Although I haven't got to the point of wanting to end it, I regularly wish there was a reset button on life and wish I could have a life where I hadn't made so many mistakes. I really have made so so many and I live with the consequences every single day.

Thank you for the support. Although I have respect for myself that I never had before, I suppose I still sort of feel as though I don't deserve to move on from this. I don't deserve a fresh start and I should pay some kind of price for how I lived my life but after reading your replies, I'm wondering if maybe the suggestion of counselling would be a good step forward for me. I just want a future of happiness which is something I've never had completely.

I read this quote often, and it gives me some hope.

You DO deserve happiness and counselling can be a key to opening that door. For years, a good many more than I care to admit to, I was blighted by my abusive home life as a child and teen, I spent a lot of my life on a pathway to prove to everyone that I was that awful person my mum said I was and it often became a self-fulfilling prophecy then, about 6 years ago I had counselling and saw a whole different me. The peace of mind it has given me has been priceless, it has given me a sense of peace with my past and allowed me to open up a whole new, sometimes scary (but in a good way), future.

You are not a bad person OP and you never have been.

You really do need to forgive yourself OP.
You need to understand what you went through.
How it affected you.
And you need to allow yourself to move on.
Have you had counselling?
You were let down massively by people who were supposed to love and protect you.
You've turned your life around and you should be very proud of that.
Don't sabotage your life again now. You've come so far.
You DO deserve happiness.
You DO deserve love.

You deserve a bloody medal OP, from bad beginnings you have made a success of your life. So many achieve the exact opposite.

You deserve happiness more than most. Do whatever you need to do to believe the truth of this.

Hello OP! Mine was the other thread I think you’re referring to - I know our circumstances are a bit different (I never had a rubbish childhood) but like you I drank myself to oblivion and let whoever wanted to sleep with me do it when younger. If you’re anything like me you’ll have read through the responses I got with a deep sense of anxiety, thinking cruel messages like “you fucked someone else and then HID it!!!” are applicable in your case also. I know I was also being flamed for ‘dropping my bombshell’ so again, different circumstances. But your post has helped me in that reading your post I don’t at all get a sense of you as a terrible person but rather as somebody who has been through a lot, hopefully this is the case for me too. I felt like I was being attacked by Mormons on my thread but the reality for so many of us is a less than great start to life leading to really shitty choices. Doesn’t reflect who we are now at all. Don’t really have much to add apart from to send my love

I had a terrible childhood too. And like you had eating disorders and drank/had substance issues. I had a long term relationship where at the beginning I slept around, I carried loads of guilt and it turned out that he was lying to me and got addicted to cocaine. I look back and think 'what a waste of time and guilt'. Don't torture yourself OP, you've been through enough and survived. Move on with your life and choose happiness. Self sabotage seems comforting but it's not really, it's just something our brains used and relied on to survive. Take care

You've done amazingly well to turn your life and yourself around. You are not that person any more. No need to confess all, what good would it serve now? Forgive yourself and move on with life in a positive way. He said he wouldn't want to know about some misdemeanours in the past. (Maybe he knew or suspected what happened but wanted to tell you in a roundabout way he'd moved on from that?) Don't spoil your life now, and his, for something which is well in the past. Unburdening yourself won't help anyone.

I would focus on how far you have come and that you changed- I too had a similar start and went on to have children and settle down. I mean if you really want to you could speak to your partner / husband about this early days but it's not essential is it. Just because we once had bad behaviour doe not make us 'bad'- maybe we were just craving the affection we never had growing up...maybe some therapy would help you continue in your confident, resilient path.

OP what an emotive post, you're not terrible you're brave and strong.

Leave behind the frightened child/young adult you were and embrace the you now.

You've got to now stop beating yourself up, you had a shit start in life but you've turned it all around.

Bloody well done.

for you.

You say your not trying to make excuses but from what you have been through i do think it is a damn good reason to go off the handle in your younger years, you have obviously changed and thats fantastic because many people don't.

If i was your husband i wouldnt want to know because it wouldnt matter to me all it would do it bring up sad feelings and probably give me nightmares of my partner going through it.

None of what happened was your fault, you were let down by everyone who should have been helping you in this life because you had no choice of being brought into this world but yet you had to endure the worse parts of it.

I would try to forgive yourself as hard as it may be (counseling could help or a group for people who have been through it ) Maybe it would help if you did talk to your husband about some of the stuff you went through so that you can be honest about going to counseling etc)

Thank you all so much for the kindness you have shown me. It was really unexpected and it means a lot. I'm definitely going to go down the counselling route. I don't have the funds to pay for it privately but maybe I can source some via the NHS? One thing in my life that I haven't messed up is being a mum. My kids know how loved they are and I'll make sure that is never something they question. I will bring them up to be confident and to believe in themselves. Their happiness will always be my number one priority. And I suppose in a warped way, I can thank my mum for that as she has taught me how important that is.

Thanks again for the support and kind words. It's a world away from what I expected when I posted this morning ❤️