Why can't I go no contact with abusive ex? Please help me.

[getmeoutofthismess]

I feel like a fraud. I left my abusive ex almost three months ago, but have still been seeing him behind everyone I knows back. He is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling. I moved out in March as I couldn't take it anymore and the effects it was having on my mental health. He has a history of stalking and harassment with his ex partners, which I found out about and I think i'm scared to see him turn nasty with me, so I am keeping things nice. He managed to worm his way back in with the usual love bombing and I've kept contact as i'm lonely, as well as being scared of him. I'm having counselling and can see he was abusive and am very logical, but no matter how many books I read I can't seem to make the final step to go no contact completely. I believe there is an element of trauma bonding with him and I just don't know how to cope on my own.

If anyone has any advice, book recommendations etc please try and help me. This isn't healthy and it's damaging me even more. I feel like an addict and I am so depressed. Please help me leave him for good!

Please don’t feel bad about yourself. Turn that negative energy into coming up with a plan to rid yourself of him. You’re keeping it nice probably out of a deep fear - you mention him harassing and stalking previous exes - we sometimes do what we have to do to keep ourselves safe in the immediate term but it’s not helpful long term. Have you spoken to someone like Women’s Aid? If not, please do. You need him gone but gone safely.

@Fonduefrolics thank you for replying. Yes I'm speaking with a DV intervention service, but my case worker is so busy I struggle to talk to her much, but I will call her again this afternoon. My counsellor things I'm so close to making the finally leap of going no contact for good, but I just need that push. I love him, but this isn't healthy, it won't ever work and I need to start to heal from all of this and move on with my life. I just wish I could feel mentally strong enough to do it.

I found this article amazing! He won't leave you alone and will drag this on for as long as you let him, so it is going to be up to you to end this situation.

pairedlife.com/problems/How-to-Break-Trauma-Bonds-Move-on-From-an-Abusive-Relationship

@user1481840227 that's great thank you. It explains a lot. I hate that I have these bonds with him and I can't just let go and begin to heal. I feel like i'm trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

What do I do. Just block him or tell him first it's over for good and not to contact me. I'm driving myself crazy with worry.

I told him last night not to contact me again. He's contacted me since, but I haven't replied and won't be. Just getting enough evidence to get the non mol in place.

Keep strong love! You can do this

You are worth so much more than this. You will be happy, but not until he is out of your life permanently

I miss him so much, but I know he can't change. He's already emailing me asking for money he believes I owe for a holiday he booked. I'm not replying though. I've got this, just need to stay strong!

Can you block him for a bit? Just to give yourself a bit of space?

24 hours I managed and then I caved. I'm an idiot to have picked the phone up to him and given him to time of day. That was 6pm yesterday, so need to get through the rest of the day.

Block him for now, give yourself the peace you need to process this.

There is no other way

Yes it’s going to be hard, but it’s for your own good

You are worth investing this time and effort into.