NC DF with mental health issues demanding £2k

[Bitofeverything]

I have had no contact with my father for almost exactly two decades. He’s now got in touch with his brother asking for £2000 or he will be thrown out of his flat. I have no doubt that this is true. He has been on a downward spiral his entire life (I suspect bipolar, but also serious drinking issues.) His brother is saying no (my uncle has been estranged from my father for over twenty years).
My father does not have my contact details (but until recently had guessed my work email address so could contact me although I never responded. I’ve left this job.)
My first child is due next week, and I am very nervous about this. I have laboriously rebuilt my life after this man destroyed my childhood. I cannot stand the idea of him knowing I am having a child (his grandchild - and he will be obsessed with the idea) and him becoming involved in my life or my child’s life in anyway. Financially, I could help him a bit but everything that goes to him doesn’t go to my child (and I hadn’t planned for this.)
But I can’t stand the idea of him being homeless either. I have no idea what to do.

If he has mental health issues maybe social services would help.

He won't be homeless. If he's got to the point of "reaching out to estaanged family" then it's like step 7 or 8 of the homelessness assessment steps. Next step is housing benefit and probably a place in an assisted home.

It is the paremts job to look after and help their children throughout their lives as much they can, not vice versa.

You will soon have your own child to look after and guide. You said your father destroyed your childhood, don’t let him mess with your future.

He will never stop asking for money if you give it to him once. He is an adult so can look for help from apprpriate places himself (council, charities etc). He is not your responsibility.

I'm not sure how I would respond if I were in your position but recognise I'd probably be conflicted,especially due to the lapse in communication.

If you feel compelled to help you could perhaps donate some of the money that's being requested and speak to your family about an action plan which may or may not include other relatives donating but with the emphasis on trying to secure the appropriate long term help

Thank you for replying - has made me feel better. He won’t accept that he has mental health problems (although maybe this will make him realise?). My problem is also that I can’t find out his situation without making contact with him. I just feel so strongly that I have spent years and years moving on from what he did to my life, and restarting contact will just take me straight back to square one at precisely the point where I want (need?) to focus on my child and their future.

If his brother is saying no, there is only really me relative-wise. I haven’t been in contact with my uncle for 25 years (not a close family). My father falls out with everyone - I can’t imagine there is much of any network around him at all now.

It’s not your responsibility. Don’t get drawn back in.
There is help out there for him. It doesn’t have to come from you. If he can’t accept proper ongoing help from the relevant authorities, then your 2k is just going to be a stop gap and he’ll be back in the same situation in no time at all.
Do not fall into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

Thank you so much, justbreathing. I am also sure that is true. All support with this man - emotional, financial etc - just disappears into a black hole. But it is so so grim not knowing what is happening to him.

Absolutely not your problem. Any of us would feel sad at the thought of a stranger being made homeless. Harsh though it may sound, we don't have to personally give them money. You don't owe your father any more than this in the circumstances. He can contact Citizens Advice, his GP etc like anyone else.

Focus on your little one arriving. They are your priority as you say.

Don't be made to feel you are doing anything wrong.

I am glad you have turned your life around.

Thank you, cinnamonsteamer. It’s been a long long battle. But now my lovely DP and I have a happy little home that is all ready for our baby. And can’t face the idea of my father crashing into it all (but also hate the idea of him not having the same). He’s ruined his life over decades. What a mess.

O think if you were to give your father the money, there is a chance he will be in the same position in the near future again. Are you prepared to continue to help him out financially and take that money away from your child and potentially need to go back to work sooner than planned?
I wouldn’t help him out. How do you know he isn’t going to drink the money you give him

It’s emotional blackmail. You know that 2k realistically is going to do fuck all to really help him. Because clearly he doesn’t really want help.
Just frame it in your mind that he will not end up homeless. He has lots of help out there. He will he looked after by the relevant bodies. He’s not going to be sleeping rough. He will be ok.

You didn’t go NC for no reason. Repeat those reasons in your head or write them down.
And remember, you deserve a life and happiness. You have worked hard for it. He could have done the same, but chose not to. You can’t help him now. Even if you wanted to
X

NO.

Do not make contact.

Your responsibility is to your child.

You can't help anyway! You know that if you give him money he will squander it, he'll be back in this position in a year and the only thing that will really have changed is that he'll be in your life and ready to badger your child.

If he is hitting rock bottom, DO NOT step in to delay that process. Let him get on with it, THEN he will be at the point where he will eventually a. accept, and b. qualify for, help.

You can't help, but you can protect yourself.

Thank you all so much. It feels like deliberately putting myself into a drowning man’s grip. I really cannot do it right now. The next few weeks (months?) are obviously going to bring their own challenges - and those challenges are my absolute priority (and am looking forward to them very very much.) The timing couldn’t be much worse. But thank you all of you.

The money would merely be a stop gap. You'd effectively be facilitating his issues. Better to steer clear and let him access proper help, and maybe he might then sort himself out. Only when he's done that should you be prepared to offer contact. Sometimes the best help is actually withholding it - don't offer someone a plaster if that will stop them getting stitches and a bandage. When they've got the stitches and bandage, then you can offer a clean bandage or a lift to the nurse to get it checked.

Don't give him money, it won't help. Can his brother or another relative contact social services on his behalf?

he ruined your childhood so he deserves nothing from you.

The tone of the brother’s message (through Facebook - we aren’t friends so it went to that random folder) is very much the tone of someone not wanting to be in involved (and can’t say I blame him - the last time he was in contact with my father, my father tried to beat up his then GF.) I haven’t seen my uncle since I was around 10 (possibly younger) and although I remember him as being reasonable, I don’t hugely want to be in contact with him either and not sure how he would use any information (eg he might think that passing on my contact details to my father reduces his responsibility, not that he has any especial responsibility either.)

The thing is you are dealing with a lot of unknowns here. You don’t know that he is truly facing homelessness. You just don’t know his situation or if there’s any truth in any of it. You have a child on the way and should be focusing on that. You haven’t had any contact with this man for 20 years! He’s essentially now a stranger. Don’t let your current life be derailed by a stranger with unknown circumstances. Nobody has asked you to help. You have no idea even if he’s got remarried or got more kids! It’s been 20 years. Leave it and focus on your own family.

Even if you give him £2k, it sounds like he'll be in the situation again, so realistically how often can you bail him out?

You open the door once, he will keep his foot in the door and keep coming back.

Keep it well and truely shut.

Giving someone like this money is like peeing in the ocean. Save it towards your own little family.

Ignore your uncles message, delete it and then block him from Facebook so he cannot see anything about you. While he may know you've seen the message, you do not have to respond. And from then on try to put it out of your head. Do not go looking for information about your father. You don't owe him anything. He will find a way to sort himself if he wants to. He isn't your responsibility and has no place in your life now.

If you feed this pigeon, you won't get rid of it and it will shit all over your house. 💩

Stay NC. Don't give him money.

He is not your responsibility. Keep saying this over and over when you feel guilty.

I have a similar situation with NC, and I didn't want my DC to have anything to do with my mother. When she found out, predictably she tried to force her way in again.

Stay strong. Protect your children. He has made his own bed.