Can someone help me please - Trigger **Rape**

[Ineedhelptocope]

I have name changed.
I am sinking into a maelstrom of depression and suicidal feelings.
My DD was raped two years ago when she was 18. I had a thread about it here but asked MN to remove it as I didnt want to keep seeing it and being reminded of it all.
Last week after a horrific 4 day trial where she was utterly destroyed by defense lawyer her rapist was found not guilty
She is pretty much keeping me at arms length. It's like she just doesn't need me or really want to be around me. We used to be so very close. She just wants to be with her friends who I dont even know. The divide has grown so much in the weeks leading up to the trial and even more so now. She went out today and I haven't seen her all day, She has texted to say she is staying at her friends house.
My marriage is falling apart
I feel worthless and pointless. I serve no fucking purpose
I feel grief and so many terrible feelings I cant even out them into words. It has hit me like fucking tsunami and I cant cope. Im just crying all the time.
I have hit rock bottom tonight and cannot seem to see any joy or point in life anymore.

Have a big big hug from me. I am here, listening.

You’ve been through an awful lot in the past two years, and quite rightly so, your sole focus has been your DD.
Now that the trial has finished, there is no closure for what happened. I am so, so sorry.
You need to be strong for your DD. You both need time to heal and process what happened.

It might feel like you are drawning, but it’s just your fight or flight instinct not switching off and not letting you see clearly. That’s to be expected after such a horrendous time.

Go to your GP and ask for help, if you haven’t already. Counselling, drugs, take whatever they give you.
And talk to us.

I'm so sorry for what you have all come through, it sounds like an awful ordeal.
You will come through this, everything is just so very raw at the moment and it sounds like she may not be wanting to talk about it right now but she will eventually. She knows your there for her, just give her time. Be kind to yourself, you must be traumatised by listening to the accountsin court. Can you speak to your gp for counselling?
Sending unmumsy hugs

OP I don’t mean this in a harsh way but is there anything you’ve done, like said something or stressed her out even more? I remember when I was going through a very hard time and my dad kept stressing me out because he was so stressed and I made the choice to distance myself from him because of it. I felt on eggshells/awkward around him.

Can you go over any time you’ve had arguments with her or anything like that? Have you been 100% supportive? The only advice I can give is to not stress her out, not show her how you’re feeling, just be nice to her and there for her when she feels ready to talk to you again. Don’t resent her for how she’s being.

OP she’s still running from the verdict & she may well hit the bottom after a few nights out with her pals. You’ve reacted differently & slowed down & the load has toppled onto you. Your DD May feel there’s not point in a discussion with you yet as it doesn’t change the outcome of the case. She does need you but isn’t feeling able to process what’s happened yet. None of this is your fault/ omission but you absolutely can influence what comes now. Can you access counselling where you are? I remember your thread & recall it’s not UK. You are important & your DD needs you but can’t face her feelings just now. Hand hold OP you’ve been so strong & that wears you down too.

I am in the UK but the trial was not a UK trial [jurisdiction] if that makes sense. I have not had any arguments with her and have not opened any conversations around the trial. I have given her space and been supportive.
This pain is unbearable and the scale of it has shocked me
Ive tried to get GP appointment...have to wait anther 2 weeks
I feel scared at the fact that I feel I have no strength and cant go on. She had leukaemia when she was younger and I seemed to get through that but this has floored me more so and I dont know why.

What a difficult time you’re both going through

Everyone’s experience is different of course, but I was raped at 16 and reacted exactly the same way- completely withdrew from my mum and spent as much time as possible with my friends. I can’t even tell you why, but please be reassured that it’s a normal response and is likely nothing to do with you. She’s dealing with so much and, as supportive as you are, she’s trying to cope in her own way. All you can do is be there for her and keep letting her know that you’re there. I’m sure you’ll grow close again as time passes.

You say you serve no purpose, but you’ve been so strong for your daughter- both now and with her health in the past. If nothing else (and I’m sure there’s a lot more), you’ve served huge purpose in supporting your daughter and continuing to do so

Sending a handhold.
You've really been through the mill and I think it's entirely a normal reaction to feel like you've reached the end of your tether.
Please see if you can get a sooner appointment. Stress that it's an emergency.
Your girl will come back to you. Please try not to panic about that. She has so much to process and has to do that in her own way.
You're a loving, supportive mother. She still knows that deep down. She just has to find her way.

I saw your last post about this, I’m so sorry that there was no justice for your daughter.

You are not useless. The support you have given your daughter is something that she will remember for the rest of her life. I didn’t have it from my mum, I know what it would have meant to me. Right now she wants to distract herself from the pain, I’m sure the trial will have brought everything back up for her and been a very difficult experience and I’m sure she feels desolate right now, she will come back to you.

Please call the GP practice in the morning - tell them it’s an emergency and you need to speak to someone the same day. They have to provide emergency care where needed if you call as soon as they open.

I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through and are continuing to go through.

Would it be feasible to talk to her? Not necessarily to ask her to open up but to simply acknowledge that she is withdrawing, that you can't imagine how she is feeling, but to tell her that you are there no matter what she wants to discuss. It sounds silly, but sometimes just saying these things can open up communication. She may feel she doesn't want to burden you, she may feel at the moment that she can't face it, and with her friends she doesn't have to. But mum's, good mums, like you clearly are given how close you have been, you're the one who would get the brunt of the emotions, and maybe right now she just can't face that.

Good for you for going to the GP but I agree with others that you should try again and stress how urgent it is. Mental health problems are urgent sometimes and this sounds like one of those occasions. It's ok to have an emergency appointment for such, rather than do your mental health two more weeks of damage by waiting for that appointment.

Are there any local rape support services? I know local to me there are and they offer free counselling, not just for the direct victim but family members impacted too.

The very best of luck.

Oh sweetheart, of course you are feeling all of these things. I think you need to get help for you so you can be able to continue to help DD when and if she needs it. She probably will. Right now, she's been raped again by the legal system. The bastard is out and free to go again. Her friends are out and "Having Fun" because that's what 18 year olds do. She just wants to be "normal" without the trial hanging around her neck like a church bell.

I was unable to tell my parents when I was raped. Because of their nature, any wishes I had to remain private about it all would have been ignored and their reactions would have been all about them and what they wanted. It wouldn't have been "My" rape, but theirs. I would have been humiliated every time one of mum's friends rang for a chat, or been "Poor Just" and marked with a scarlet letter at every family event, so I kept it to myself so I could be "normal" as well. It's not uncommon, but it's nothing you did. I followed your previous post, and you were supportive. You really, really were. Allow her to be the NEW version of whoever she is. The one who is not having to brace herself to see that bastard in court and be inviscerated by his defence. She deserves this. You can be there for her when she comes down, or trust that she turns to her friends. I'm pretty sure she will. Unfortunately she may blame you for this awful experience for a while. We both know it's not your fault. We both know whose fault it is.

OP I didn't see your previous thread but I'm sorry your DD didn't get justice - statistically, few do.

I agree with PPs that she's blowing off steam right now and just needs to get away from the whole situation.

I had a similar situation in my teens and my thought process was:
"Shall I go round mums? We can have a whole conversation about the trial and how shit I feel. Or.... I could go out with the guys and just talk about Arsenal's chances of getting to the Championship this year.... GO GUNNERS!"

She will need to talk about it in the future, but please don't force this, it's really counter productive for a survivor.

Please, also don't talk to her about your problems getting a GP appointment etc. Remember, help in, dump out.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

But do call the surgery and just say "I need an appointment today" and see any GP who's available. If you ask for a specific GP then they will give you the whole 2-week williwig. If you say "I need to see a GP today" then you'll be treated as an emergency (which this truly is) and be seen today or tomorrow.

I'm sorry things have been so shit for you and your DD. Right now, concentrate on yourself so you can be the best and most supportive parent possible for your DD's future needs.

Perhaps she can’t cope with seeing you in so much pain?

I've been thinking about you a lo OP similar story but it didn't go to court as they didn't think they would get a guilty verdict and my DD threatened to kill herself if we made her go through with it! Then followed risky behaviour and I mean risky absolute hell my marriage too has been rocky since!! I had to go for counselling for myself as I was sinking and felt so alone! Sadly I had to let her go and well she is now in a better place stays with her boyfriend who is not my choice but she says he makes her feel safe! Life will never be the same he took the joy and sense of self from all of us!! My advice is read everything regarding rape and recovery and look after yourself anytime you want PM me xx

Thank you all for your comments

I hope you're ok OP and taken advice and got an emergency appointment with your doctor! You have to look after yourself before you can help anyone else just remember you're the captain of the ship if you go down the ship will! I know I blamed myself and have so much guilt but it gets you nowhere, there is help and support out there for parents so don't be afraid to reach out I had to pay privately to see a councillor in the end but money was well spent take care much love 💐

Hope you're ok 💐

I agree with Needsomebottle. You've supported her through the trial, you may remind her of it and she may need to distance herself a bit. It's not your fault and you've not done anything wrong. Take the opportunity to lick your own wounds and process it all. See your GP and get yourself stronger.

I agree with talking to her. Acknowledging that she may need space and that you love her and will always be there when she needs you.

If you can afford to see a counsellor, I would.