Sibling rivalry or bullying

[Daffodil03]

Hello

Apologies that this is likely to be a long post but am seeking advice as to how to manage a situation or relationship.

Sibling is 15 years older than myself and our relationship isn't that close. I am the youngest (with other siblings between us). I presumed age gap or sibling rivalry was to blame but have doubts and DP has suggested bullying which needs to be resolved. However, I don't know how to resolve or feel it would be believed (silly as I am mid 30s) but fear of causing drama and being shunned by other family members terrifies me.

As a young child, physical attacks would be the norm. This was seen by DM at times and blamed on annoying toddler / grumpy teen dynamic. I can't deny this as I can't recall my own behaviour at time but remember incidents of being pushed into wall, slapped etc.

As a child, my DM would be told I'd done things or broken things which were untrue and I'd be reprimanded / smacked for naughty behaviour.

As a teen, comments would be made about appearance. Hair, dress sense, weight etc. Sibling would borrow my clothes and not return them.as they looked better on her. When alone together, my sibling would tell me that my boyfriends fancied her etc.

During the adult years, the same narrative about my boyfriends would be told. Having spoken to my boyfriends at the time and DP they denied this and found it odd due to age gap that it would even be suggested. My choice of clothes, career (professional with no children), and holiday choices are always commented on in a very sweet but passive aggressive way. For example, I bought a dress for a wedding and was told it was beautiful and she wanted to borrow it for xyz occasion as it would be more suitable for that rather than a wedding. If I send birthday cards or gifts to her family, they never arrive (despite tracking) and Royal Mail has lost everything in the last 7 years. I don't receive cards or gifts but receive a message via DM saying that I haven't said thank you. When I say I haven't received anything, I then receive something within two weeks which is either an expired gift card or a gift card that was bought after she has asked DM why I hadn't said thank you for the item.

Recently announced our wedding date and my sibling stated that her and DH of 6 years are renewing their vows that year.

We have zero communication apart from family gatherings. If I am hosting I ask her DH what food to buy her as she is fussy (if I ask her direct she says she eats anything) and ensure I have enough in, but on the day it is wrong stuff and states not eaten that in years. DM then makes comments that my sister is going to be hungry as not been catered for. Every restaurant I book has nothing suitable on the menu (despite sending the menu round in.advance).

At family events, I am either ignored by her or really passive aggressive comments with smiles. I have often thought I am being too sensitive and dismissed it as sibling rivalry or age gap, but DP has suggested it verges on bullying due to anxious nature it causes and not wanting to see her.

As a young adult, I started standing up for myself more and laugh off comments etc. This resulted in either the silent treatment for years or tears to DF or DM that I was being nasty. Sibling is known for attention seeking and creating drama but it is enabled else family receive silent treatment. I have tried to ask what I have done and to resolve and get told there is nothing going on and it's all in my mind

I'm not sure what I am seeking from typing this out. I have limited contact to family occasions, cards at special occasions etc as I want to protect myself and not feel hurt, however DM now says I don't make an effort. Tried to explain situations and instances and DM doesnt believe as my sibling is lovely and sweet. DP has witnessed comments (and been brunt of comments) and suggested its not sibling related but bullying. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how it was managed.

Thank you for reading.

Hello,

Anyone have any thoughts on this type of behaviour or whether I am being overly sensitive?

You don't have to see anyone if they are unpleasant to you, regardless of whether you are related to them or not. Stop seeing her, don't cater for her, have a nice life without her. Your mother, incidentally, is not being particularly pleasant either by enabling your sister.

However this is easier said than done. I think you would really benefit from seeing a good counsellor, who can help you to stand up to both your sister and your mother, and allow you to gain strength in stages.

I would go very LC or NC. This is very insidious and nasty bullying. Glad your DH is aware. I would probably also be pretty LC with parents who enabled this prolonged abuse and did not protect you.

Thank you Onsen. I feel i want to step away from the situation, but also feel torn that I could be mis-interpreting things and lose sibling relationship. In an ideal world all would be hunky dory! Thank you for taking the time to respond :)

It was and is abusive bullying that your parents saw but did nothing. They are still enabling her horrible behaviour.
The suggestion by @onsen to try counselling is excellent.

I presumed age gap or sibling rivalry was to blame
I'm with your dh on this one, it would make more sense to me that she was picking on you like a bully picks on any younger, more vulnerable person. Maybe now you are older she is also jealous? You are presumably a good bit younger and fresher-looking than her.
Have you thought about reframing the way you see her - it sounds as if you see her as big and scary, the same as you did when she really was bigger than you. But now you're an adult, if you think about it, she's just really messed up and pitiable. (I wonder if that is how she sees herself, to, with good reason?)

No real need to justify your behaviour to your mum - you're not her little girl any more, she doesn't get to tell you off, either. Do whatever you need, and if your mum comments just grunt vaguely.

What both onsen and Grumpelstilskin wrote, do take heed.

You can and should step away altogether from her. For her own reasons your eldest sibling has decided to act abusively towards you your entire life. And your parents have enabled that abuse to continue by turning a blind eye to it and further enabling.
I would also think your family of origin which is deeply dysfunctional will implode further when your eldest sibling no longer has you as her target; this is their problem and not yours.

Adopt a no contact position with this sibling and in turn your mother. Consider talking to a BACP registered therapist about your family of origin.

I could have written your post.

Have a look at sibling abuse. It is a recognised form of abuse.

If you did the Freedom Programme you'd see all the characteristics in your sister. I have gone NC will all my siblings and LC with my parents until recently.

You may also take a look at the family scapegoat. Ime I had to have a lot of therapy to address the tremendous harm done by this exceptionally toxic relationship.

This is bullying plain and simple. Just because she is a sibling, does not mean that she is not a bully. You said that you have siblings in between you, have they said anything about her behaviour? To you as well as to them? Your Parents need to step up and support both of you.

I nearly had this situation with my eldest and youngest, there were 9 years between them. I made it VERY clear to eldest that he was a bully to his younger brother. And that I would not accept the behaviour. He (Older DS) changed, and after 20 years they now have a good relationship.

DH has a brother like that. For the whole if his life DH has been isolated from his family by BILs lies and manipulations.

Even in his mid 50s BIL hasn't changed. We saw him for the first time in about 15 years and he still managed to find a way to isolate DH from their visiting Aussie Aunt. These days, we are NC unless it means we cut off our noses, DH and I both just laugh and point it out "Crikey BIL. Did you really just say Curious is a fat, mouthy bitch?" (One of his favourite insults) It often goes down really badly... I have often been shouted at for ruining family occasions.

Sometimes you just need to decide that they are utterly batshit and choose to find it funny. That your DH has already noticed should make that easier to manage.

Definitely bullying - probably due to jealousy.

Saying your boyfriends fancy her and your clothes look better on her is just ridiculous - a teenager and a 30 yr old rarely choose the same clothes and unless your boyfriends were much older than you - then why would they?

Just keep away from her as much as possible. Carry on laughing off the comments and hope it results in silent treatment forever.

I suspect she thinks that you are the favourite because you are the baby. Are the siblings between you boys or girls - maybe if they are boys you are the only 'competition' in her eyes even though you don't want to compete.

You've got the clone of my sister!
I'm certain my sister is a full blown narcissist.
Unfortunately there's quite a few of them in my immediate family.
I'm virtually nc with her. I'm polite if i greet her, though i stopped doing that too after she would grunt or blank me in response.
Family get told to mind their own business now if they interfere or act as her flying monkeys.

You can't get out of this without drawing boundaries with her and other family members and that will enrage them.
Enrage - not upset. They could have stepped in at any time and puller her up on her behaviour, but they choose to not 'notice'.
You've been the scapegoat in the family and they won't change that dynamic easily- if at all

Play her at her own game and do it back to her...

If she asked to borrow something, tell her you don’t think it would suit her and smile - or look at her apologetically and say you didn’t know times were so tough for her that she would need to borrow her clothes and suggest she find a cleaning job to make ends meet.

Lose her wedding invite.

There are so many things you can do.

Stop playing the victim and give it back to her.

Meccacos, I don't think you can have any idea how deeply abuse like this can affect the victim. It's not possible to 'stand up to them' without significant and longstanding intervention to address the effects of the abuse.

In short, it's not as simple as that. What you suggest is good advice from a fresh perspective - how those of us who have struggled to survive the abuse would love to be able to flick the abusers off in the way you suggest! As it is we have been ground down and conditioned by consistent abuse from a very young age; actually harmed by it in reality. It's not possible to shrug it off.