Step Son Stealing

[FForFamily]

As the title says. Step son is stealing. This isn't the first time.

He first pinched something and got caught by the nanny about 8 or 9 years old.

Next he orchestrated getting his brothers bank card and pin and stole about 150 quid of him at about 13. He also tried to order some stuff from my card, about 100 pounds worth, bank stopped it and notified me. He denied it all for ages.

Now at nearly 17, we know he's taken a 50 quid bottle of whisky that was a gift that had been hanging around but never given to the person & im pretty sure he's taken 20 quid from his 8 year old sisters purse. I was sure she had 10 in there a few weeks back but couldn't be sure I didn't take it as we never have cash on us (Im pretty sure I didn't)

I replaced the ten pound about 2 weeks ago and remember making a point of telling my daughter I've put it in her purse. I'm either going mad, but it's gone again.

I'm not sure what to do. My initial reaction after all these incidents is to tell him he can't live here any more and he has to live with his dad (which isn't the best relationship) for a while. I can't have a thief in the house. Even though he hasn't done something like this for a while or at least we know about. Every now and again I wonder if I should keep my cards on me at all times.

The other part of me wants to help him figure out why he's doing it. I did do counselling with him before with his mum. His dad refused.

That's about it really.

What has his mum said?

I assume it's not just your decision to make him move out?

What is she saying about the best way forward?

What's the family set up here? I can't follow.

I've told her how I feel and she agrees with me but it hasn't come to that. I've reached the end of my tether now and lately this is where I've turned. Ive had to kick out my 18 year old stepson the other day. He is autistic and his behaviour was just getting to much for me. First time in 10 years. I'm trying to look after my mental health now and the sad lives around the corner so I think he should deal with it. I have literally been a father to them for 10 years. More than he has I would say. He's a difficult man to get on with.

4 Kids. 2 my own and two step kids all living here most of the time. Step kids are 16 and 18

Why aren’t they living with either of their parents?

The spend the odd weekend there. Autistic son hates going there and most of the issues we've had lately have been about him going there but he doesn't have any issues staying at a variety of other places. My mums, his grandma, the list goes on.

Other boy will go there and spend time there if asked or told he must by his mum/dad but I doubt he would otherwise.

We want them to spend time with their dad but they would rather be here most of the time and they are getting older so we're going to stop making them. We only do it really because we want them to have a relationship with their dad but we probably should have stopped it ages ago. He was insistent and I do understand to a degree, but he doesn't seem to realise you can't force them.

That's the setup pretty much. My kids are 9 and 7.

Our kids I should say.

You're with the mum? Reading the op is confusing as I think many of us assumed you had full responsibility for the step kids and they weren't living with either of their parents.

So you want to kick out both step sons.

You already made one leave, who has autism?

What do you mean his behaviour is too much for you?

Their dad may be useless. I get that feels unfair. But the 'I have had this for 10 years'comment makes me feel uncomfortable. You got with a woman with kids. You must have expected to have them around for a while.

Maybe you need to explain more about their behaviour.

As for the stealing, you dont actually know if the recent events are him. Neither of you actually speak to him about it. Theres a reason such a young child started stealing.

What steps have been taken to deal with this over the years?

Sounds to me like you've just looked for excuses to kick them both out and you never did like them very much.

Most kids steal sometimes. They have poor impulse control and stealing is mostly opportunity.

That doesn't excuse it but it isn't fair to label a kid a thief either.

I'd like to hear what their mum has to say about it all. Does she know you've posted on here?

@RantyAnty If I was looking for excuses I could have kicked them out ages ago. I want them to live here and we all live in a nice environment.

Son with autism went to his dads for a few weeks but came back here on the weekend. He's back now. There's no point going into his behaviours and why is too complicated but it's been a recurring issue which causes stress and a black cloud to fall over the atmosphere which goes on for weeks at a time. I am not looking to kick them out.

When I say I've had this for 10 years. I mean lots of stresses over time and it's got to the point where I am looking at my own mental health and if they can't be respectful of us, the house then I see no reason they can't live with their dad.

The 17 year old isn't here at the moment but basically I know he's done it. He's admitted to the whiskey but avoiding the money question.

He gets plenty of money. I think it's the fact that he has now stolen something off pretty much every family member here and now his little sister.

@RantyAnty You say your kids steal sometimes like it's okay. Have they been very calculating, stolen one of your cards and PIN number off another one of your children who has autism and stolen nearly £250 pounds worth from him and you?

He also did the same with his mums paypal account to get a game years ago but it sent a notification to his mums phone, so he got and hid his mums phone and we were turning the house upside down trying to find it.

Like I say. I don't know what to do with this now. The post may have been confusing. I don't need judgmental responses telling me I'm looking to find a way to kick them out. I'm not. I'm asking what you would do. If it was your step son and he could go live with his dad.

I am happy to support him but I'm not sure if I should send him to live with his dad for a bit. His mum would be on board too and we would discuss it first. It wouldn't be just my decision.

There are obviously issues around Stealing. I don't think Ranty I can just say - Ooh kids steal sometimes, it's okay.

@Shequakes We took him to a counsellor a few years back. His dad refused to go so I went and took him every week. So I am there for him and happy to support him.

I don't think it really helped much. He didn't say much in the sessions. Maybe the wrong therapist or type of therapy.

I think it's a cry for attention but I thought we were over that. His brother has taken up a lot of focus because of his needs from the moment he was diagnosed, so that must have been hard. I've been with mum and living with them from the age of 7 and 8.

I'm pretty fair and laid back and try to be the best step dad I can. Since my own kids have come along and they've grown up more my focus has been on my kids more. They are teenagers now and live in their rooms most of the time.

@FForFamily

While my DH and I were out taking our DS to therapy for a TBI, my DD who was around 15 at the time robbed our home with a couple of her friends. TV, camcorder, and other electronics gone. None of her electronics were missing though.

She's late 30s now with 3 DC, a DH and career and lives a normal life.

So yes, been there done that.

@RantyAnty What did you do about it? Did she do it again? Kids steal I accept that but he's 17 now and still doing it.

Counselling seems to be the only way if it's more than just 'kids stealing' but I'm not sure we can afford that.

I'm not sure why he's doing it or what to do. I doubt we. He'll go stay with his dad but I just want to hear what people will do.

I don't want to live in a house where I am having to hide my bank cards and any money. I don't care about the whiskey so much, that was just a stupid thing to do and get that. Maybe because it was hanging around and he thought nobody would miss it. Same thing with the money. He took 10, I replaced it and then took it again thinking nobody had noticed.

@RantyAnty I've just reread your post and I was going to say it's an impulse thing too but he has his own money.

I'm not sure if he ran out of cash but it is probably a case of him wanting to get some junk food and not having the money. It seems sometimes to be a case of I want it so I'm going to get it / I deserve to have it so Stealing is fine.

I literally don't know why he thinks its okay and he usually gets caught. We've been praising him lately about how good he's been too.