Old friendship slowly dying

[Gothicnightmare]

I've been friends with this lady since I was a child, the friendship has survived school, going to university, getting jobs, meeting partners, getting married etc. We live quite close by so distance is no issue. She has 2 DCs (I have no kids). It wasn't so bad when the first DC arrived, I gave her plenty space and time to adjust, we still saw each other every couple of months but now DC2 is here (nearly 2 years now) and the older kid is of an age where they have friends things are becoming more noticeably different as she takes them to kid related activities or is doing family stuff and I feel like I'm being given the slow fade. I guess about a year ago I noticed I'd be suggesting meeting up every now and then when I texted and she wouldn't say anything but eventually after I asked again later on she'd suggest something and we'd get together (albeit I'd go to her place or we'd do something with her kids/DH). I put the lack of reaction to me suggesting meeting down to her being busy or just forgetting ((baby brain?) but it still stung and I felt like I was the only one making the effort. And this year it's been worse.

We met up briefly before her "special" birthday so I could give her her present, there was no mention of actually doing something (lunch/dinner, nothing crazy) together for her birthday although I had been asking and she said she was thinking about it but nothing happened at all. Afterwards she let it slip that she'd done something with a couple of other friends (who I know and have spent time with as well), they had arranged this birthday treat for her. I had my own "special" birthday last year and she said I absolutely must do something with my friends, so I got everyone together and we had a great time. But she couldn't be arsed even meeting me for lunch or even grabbing a coffee for her own birthday. Texted a little after that then I heard nothing for over a month (we'd usually text every week), it was then my birthday and she put a card through my letterbox and that was it. Not that I care about presents but it was interesting. I thanked her for the card and we chatted a bit, I asked what her weekend plans were and she told me what she was doing for the next 3 weekends, it felt a bit like "I'm too busy to see you". Nice and polite and chatty but that's the impression I got :( So she's busy doing family stuff at weekends or sometimes - I see her tagged in posts in FB - doing stuff with work colleagues or other mums or out somewhere with DC1 and their friends.

So it stings and the funny thing is she's had a go at me in the past for "forgetting about her" when I was seeing my DP but I still kept in touch and tried to make plans. It's crap because I don't have many friends, ironically one of my friends is a single mum and I've spent quite a bit of time with her, she's always made time for her friends. But my other friend just seems like she can't be bothered with me now (maybe because I don't have kids?) which is quite a slap in the face considering the duration of this friendship. I even cried a little thinking of everything.

I haven't texted her this week and am wondering if I should just wait and see if she gets in touch, how long will it be or will I be completely forgotten? I feel like I'm the only one making the effort (although usually when we're together it's good) but it really feels different now and that I'm being consigned to the "old friend from school; got nothing in common anymore" bin.

So I'm wondering what to do. Do I just let it slide? Do I continue to try to make an effort?

I have no advice but I'm in a similar position to you and it hurts, a lot. I'm trying to hang on in there in the hope she comes back to me as the kids grow up. It's hard though.

Friendship takes give and take on both sides and I feel that it's all one sided at the min and there's no room for me in her life.

I am in a similar situation (but not exactly the same). I think the thing to do is to make a positive decision - does having this friend in your life benefit you overall? If you have a really good time with this friend when you do see her, then it may be worth putting up with her not always getting back to you.

However, if the situation just makes you sad, allow this friendship to drift. The point of friends is to make you feel good.

It may be tempting to challenge her on how distant she is being - but don’t. She may say that her priorities are now different now that she has children (which is fair but won’t make you feel good). At worst, she may become very defensive and make out that you are possessive.

She won’t change her behaviour as a result of anything you say.

I can relate OP, it's a horrible feeling.

've got a friend who is becoming more and more distant. It was her birthday a couple of weeks ago and I find out via Facebook that she's gone out for dinner with a couple of friends but I wasn't invited. She was invited to my birthday night out this year but couldn't make it which is fine.
She also recently booked tickets for a gig that she'd know I'd have been interested in and is going with our mutual friend.

I don't think it's deliberate, she just doesn't think to invite me any more which almost feels worse. We haven't fallen out at all, I just don't feature or enter her head when she wants to make plans. It's really hurtful but I don't know if it's worth saying anything.

It must be hard but try not to take it to heart. I was in a similar position a fees ago with my best friend. And it’s only having dcs of my own now that I fully understand how busy/distracted she was with other priorities. For all I know I am probably doing this to friends unintentionally too at the minute as my life is so packed and with dc related things and the rest of the time I just want to be alone I’m so exhausted.
I’m not sure what the answer is but don’t take it personally. I’m sure things will improve over time when hopefully she has a bit more time.

I think I am probably a good bit older than you as most of my friends have children who are now teens. I found it very common that my friends "disappeared" for some years when their children were small. Family life just consumed all their time and energy. When their children grew older and became more independent, they got the time and energy back to want to meet up with friends again. A lot of my old friendships are now back to what they used to be. So don't give up on your friend, but maybe accept that you won't be seeing her as much for the next while and concentrate on other friendships.

I'd never make a comment about not getting enough time or attention or whatever, she'd get really defensive for one. Sad that it seems quite common. Yeah sometimes I wonder if things will get back on track once the kids are teenagers. Quite some years to wait though. I just wasn't sure if I should continue sending the odd text every week or so or just leave it. Things certainly feel different now but I wonder if my texting has been keeping things going for a while now, if it would have died off before if I'd not made the effort. It's sad really. And sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't care anymore or it's more not having time for anything outside family (although she does see other friends) or maybe even being forgetful. But not responding to requests to meet up unless prompted several times? Hmm. I remember one incident when she invited me to do an activity and I said I'd like to go, sent her dates when I was free, reminded her a couple of times and she kept saying she'd arrange it but nothing ever came of it and I'm not sure if she did it with someone else or just didn't go at all. So that was a disappointment.