I had an emotional affair

[HollyT1]

I have lurked for a long time and decided I needed to post as I have no one to talk things through in RL.
So I've been married 10 years and last year me and my DH started going through a really bad time. He wouldn't communicate at all, he was stressed out with work, constantly glued to his phone and xbox. I was stressed out with my DC behaviour. I felt isolated and seemed to be doing everything. We also had FIL problems and his grandma's long term husband died (so his Grandad). Things went from bad to worse from September onwards, I told my DH I wanted to divorce. He had no where to go so we remained in the same house. Didnt take me seriously. About a month after this time I started talking to one of his friends. I had met this person once (group meeting) We started talking on a daily basis. He admited when he had met me he thought I was attractive and I said the same. We started talking more and I started hiding it. I knew at this point I had crossed the line but part of me wasn't bothered. I felt shit but he cheered me up. My DH wasnt engaging at all with me so I thought it was ok. Things then started to get more intense. We shared pictures, messages and video called often but my mood wasnt improving and I contemplated suicide, my family and life were a mess.
Then I went to the GP, started ADs and therapy (12 sessions in total) My DH also started ADs and CBT (online) Things between us got better. We started talking and sorting out the massive things in our life. I told his friend that I couldn't continue as we had been and he got upset but said he understood. Hoped it worked out between me and my DH (I dont think he meant it by how his messages were getting).
I havent spoken to him since before xmas last year but he is still in regular contact with my DH and their group of friends.
I'm really torn. I did an awful thing. I was still married. I shouldnt have spoken to the other man (he was also in a relationship) and I deeply regret it.
Things are finally getting better between me and DH, mentally we are both in a good place.
They talk online (gaming) with a load of others.
Should I tell my DH what went on? There is no chance of me doing anythinf remotely similar in future. I feel ill just thinking about it all.

Honestly? If you really don’t think you’re going to do anything again, and want your relationship to work, think carefully about why you want to tell your husband.

There are two schools of thought on this. The first is that relationships need honesty, and your husband has a right to know. The other is that by telling him, you’re making your own conscience feel better, and it’s a selfish act.

This situation is complicated by the fact your husband is friends with the other guy. Telling him means blowing up that friendship, and potentially the other guy’s relationship.

Personally, I think you have to deal with your feelings in your own. Tell someone you trust, or consider a therapist. But also cut yourself some slack. You didn’t sleep with him, you were in a dark place emotionally. You cut it off, you’re working on your relationship.

It feels really wrong keeping it from him. He's been through so much and I feel disgusted with how I went on

Part of me wants to tell him because he deserves to know what kind of idiot he married and how I got to that point. Part of me never wants to ever speak of it again because I know it could potentially destroy my family (I know this would be my fault, and no I wasn't thinking of them when I was talking to OM).
I want my marriage to work.

What good will telling him do, other than easing your guilty conscience? I’m not saying don’t tell him, but I think you need to think very carefully about what you’re doing and why.

I think if they weren't friends I'd say don't tell him. But your DH speaks with this man and would no doubt be particularly humiliated if he was to find out.

I suspect there's also a fairly good chance that he might so don't see how you can avoid telling him to be honest.

They are online friends, part of a group. They don't talk alone or in person as OM lives over 200 miles away.

Thats another reason why I want to tell him. It should come from me. If I dont and he finds out it will look worse, like I tried to hide it?

At the time though, you thought you were splitting up, you had asked for a divorce. As Ross would say, 'you were on a break'.

In my mind, yes I was. In my DHs mind, we weren't. He didn't think I was serious even though we were both in a really bad place.

I really wouldn't say anything, you had emotionally detached and had told your husband how you felt. If you were clear with him then I see no good in telling him, it will make things worse in my opinion. You got through the rough and survived, that is a great achievement.

One crucial question here: if the OM was not an online friend or in contact with your DH, and would never have had the means to divulge details about this friendship you shared, would you still be so anxious about it and so keen to tell DH now that you’re mending the marriage?

Even if they weren't in contact I'd still feel guilty and upset about what I've done and a huge part of me would still want to tell DH. As I posted above, I'm torn. I want to bring it up but I also want to protect the small family I have (which I understand my actions will have ruined)

I wouldn't say anything - you had asked for a divorce, in your mind you were becoming free (if not actually free). I think to say anything to your DH at this stage is going to probably wreck the relationship again and I don't see what good it does. Apart from you feel might feel a bit better. If the OM does say anything to your DH just play it down.

To be honest OP I'm often the first to say that infidelity must be confessed or it will corrode any future. In your case...well you were in a very low place, had proposed separating and had been neglected for a long time. It's not surprising that you were tempted by the interest of someone else. I suspect it then became a very slippery slope.

But how do you now move on?

There is every danger your OM might tell your DH - out of jealousy, revenge for dropping him, or any number of other motives.

My big question is - did your DH suspect anything? If he did then this would be a big game changer - if you lied then you may have botched things up.
Perhaps you should admit to him that you were in contact, that things crossed a line, that you've ended it and that you'll never repeat that part of your life again.
If your DH is sensible he'll know that he was t there for you - he may have his own issues to hide, and may just be willing to let things go as this was a very bad time for both of you.

If you do confess then maybe read up on how to confess infidelity and be prepared for a rough time ahead - but it may be worth it.
Alternatively you had better be sure you'll never be tempted again!