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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do people feign ignorance?

58 replies

MsPeachh · 09/06/2019 11:51

As the title states really. I walk in to my father’s house this morning and I say to him “the car is covered in bird poo” and he replies “what car?” Given that he doesn’t own a car and I had literally just drove there, it was quite obvious I was talking about my car. But for some reason he feels the need to make me state the obvious. He does this kind of thing all the time (since I was a child!) and it is infuriating. If you ask him to do even the most simple thing he will give you this puzzled look and reply “what?!” and makes out that he can’t follow even the most simple scenarios so you have to waste time explaining it all again. Now I am an adult I just find it increasingly rude and it is almost belittling.

Anyone got an explanation for this extremely annoying behaviour to prevent me from completely losing the plot?!

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 09/06/2019 12:59

Is this his way of getting you to correct your speech/grammar like he would with a child?? Or does he just enjoy antagonising you? I would respond with 'what do you think I mean?' then he has to go through the effort of repeating everything.

userabcname · 09/06/2019 12:59

My dh does this with words he's misheard and it drives me mad because a bit of common sense would help e.g. if I say "shall we go to the shops now?" after we've discussed what we need, which shops we're going to and so on, he'll look puzzled and say "to the fox...?" or something equally stupid, irrelevant and nonsensical. I've actually told him to start using a bit of sense and stop assuming I'm talking rubbish and I've noticed he hasn't done it as much lately!

Original poster
MsPeachh · 09/06/2019 13:00

He has just given me an example! My sister is here too and she is picking up her car keys in the living room where he is sat. He asks her where she’s going and she replies “nipping to Tesco”. I can hear her response from the kitchen btw! He asks her what for and then goes “where are you going?!” AGAIN! Sister was unimpressed. I think he finds it funny or wants to belittle us, I really do.

OP posts:
iklboo · 09/06/2019 13:01

You perhaps do what my husband does and appear to bring me in halfway through a conversation he’s had in his head. Gives me no context or enough information. Drives me bloody mental.

Yep. DH does this as well. I keep saying to him 'I'm not in your head with you, you know'.

Or he'll drop in a random response to something we spoke about days ago. I can feel my brain running to catch up.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 09/06/2019 13:05

My DH will do the conversation in his head. He will randomly say something like 'that's where he works' and get exasperated when I ask who the fuck he is talking about.

AND the randomly repeating words like he has never heard them before.

I only keep him because he deals with the cat's litter tray.

Original poster
MsPeachh · 09/06/2019 13:13

And again! He says to me “do you fancy going for a walk?” to which I say “yes” quite clearly and he tilts his head and goes “no?” Good lord.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/06/2019 13:17

Actually are you sure he's not losing his hearing? Has he ever been tested?

iklboo · 09/06/2019 13:41

The OP says he's been doing this all her life - and only to her, her sister and probably her mum.

PuppyMonkey · 09/06/2019 13:42

I believe you OP.Grin

Teacakeandalatte · 09/06/2019 13:49

I think you are getting some disbelieving answers because this is a strange way to act. I don't think it's common to do it on purpose to annoy. The other examples people give are different, more like people who are not paying full attention then try to cover it up. Or maybe a hearing problem.

SignedUpJust4This · 09/06/2019 13:58

Sounds like hearing problem

Teacakeandalatte · 09/06/2019 13:59

I'd mirror it back to him. "A walk? What do you mean, a walk?"
Or in the early example when he asked you which car you meant. "Car, what car?"

Teacakeandalatte · 09/06/2019 14:00

I would only do the mirror thing if I was sure it wasn't his hearing or anything.

DDIJ · 09/06/2019 14:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Teacakeandalatte · 09/06/2019 14:01

And remember some people really are that stupid!

MommaToBe2020 · 09/06/2019 14:27

That sounds awful OP. I believe you. Have you ever directly asked him why he does this? If not it’s time. I would treat it seriously and ask him for a time he’s free for a chat, sit down together, have some examples written down and say something like:

“Dad, I wanted to talk to you because I’m concerned something might be going on that you don’t realise, to do with maybe your memory or hearing, and it’s been going on quite a while now with no improvement. I’ve noticed that on a very regular basis you completely misunderstand really simple questions, requests or statements, or seem to be unable to hear or process what someone is saying to you. It’s not normal for your age and I’m hoping together we can talk about what’s causing this and what next steps we may need to take to address it as it’s starting to become so obvious other people are probably noticing too. What do you think about what I’m saying?’

And shut up. You’ll soon discover whether he’s doing it on purpose to wind you up or whether there’s a genuine reason you’re not aware of. And he’ll know you’re no longer going to let it go or play along and pretend he’s acting normally. He can’t really respond to that without either admitting he’s doing it deliberately or admitting there might be a problem. Please make sure you do have examples to show him.

If he carries on and is just doing it deliberately you’re going to have to start being pretty firm in how you respond to him. Either addressing it every single time with a concerned ‘dad, why are you asking that when you know the answer? What’s wrong?’ or if he’s winding you up simply leaving the situation ‘dad, we spoke about this. I’m not talking with you until you can start treating me like someone you respect and listen to’.

Are you motivated to do any of this or just fancied a vent for now?

hellodarkness · 09/06/2019 14:37

50% of my class are like this. Not naughty, just slow processing or unable to fully concentrate for a myriad of reasons. I always wondered whether it was something they grew out of but I guess at least some of them end up like OP's dad.

Sparklfairy · 09/06/2019 14:42

My DM does this. If I show her something on my phone or laptop she'll stare at it and say 'what's this?' Um read it? It's like she looks but doesn't see iyswim.

I've also been wondering for years whether she's going deaf or just doesn't bother listening to me Grin I have to repeat almost everything I say!

Sockworkshop · 09/06/2019 14:42

Its a form of gaslighting OP if its been life long.

Designed to destabilise/ make you question yourself/cause conflict( which it clearly does !)

If its a new thing it could be hearing loss/ dementia causing receptive language issues.

hellodarkness · 09/06/2019 14:46

"ts a form of gaslighting OP"

Isn't everything on mn? Or narcissism.

Why would an otherwise loving father want to destabilise his own daughter about which car has got bird poo on it?

RantyAnty · 09/06/2019 14:50

Has he ever had his hearing tested?

purplecatt · 09/06/2019 15:10

My mum does this. Drives me crazy. She acts completely incapable and puzzled by everything.
If she's in the kitchen:
'Mum can you grab a glass down for me please?'
'A glass?' Spins around looking confused by the kitchen that she's been in 500000 times. 'A glass? A glass. Oh. Umm. Ehhh. A glass, a glass.'

Sockworkshop · 09/06/2019 15:12

hello
The OP has said he has always done this in close relationships, it infuriates her and is causing conflict.
It becomes a habit with some people and so they do it in the most mundane of circumstances.

MommaToBe2020 · 09/06/2019 15:12

purplecatt is she starting with memory loss do you think? That’s really quite odd.

purplecatt · 09/06/2019 15:15

@MommaToBe2020 nope she's always done it. She repeats everything and acts puzzled by basic things. No idea why. She's a capable person.