Bipolar DH - time to call it a day?

[Plump50]

DH was diagnosed with bipolar I following a major episode completely out of the blue (manic and psychotic, sectioned). We stayed together and coming up to 20 years married, 3 DCs. He's a lovely guy and a great dad, but I don't think he's ever really accepted that this is a lifelong illness. He gets uptight about me checking how he is and he comes off his meds without telling me - and sooner or later he gets manic with all the chaos and damage that does to everyone. He's just done it again. I'm so tired of this. But if he isn't living with us he is going to get worse.

I was diagnosed with BP a few years before I met my husband. I have had a few blips along the way but now know what sets me off/makes it worse and look at it the same a physical illness, a diabetic cant stop taking insulin so why would a person with BP. If he isnt ready to accept it there is very little you can do for him unfortunately. It is a super manageable condition if he practices self care i.e. meds, no booze, exercise. But thats all on him and if he doesnt want to help himself then you need to think of what's best for you. I hope he sees the light

What Marinova said. You also need support. What do you have in place? Whereabouts are you?

I have BP II but couldn’t tolerate most medication. What finally made the difference for me was being given the chance to go on a Self Management Training course, specifically targeted for BP. It was provided and run by the leading Scottish charity, Bipolar Scotland.
As well, I did WRAP (Wellness and Recovery Action Planning), provided and run by Health in Mind.
I have made a Power of Attorney to be used if I ever need to be sectioned.
Also on file with the GP is an Advance Statement, detailing what type of treatment should happen if I become unwell and who should or should not be involved etc etc. This includes taking away my credit card if necessary.

Now I help facilitate a monthly self-help support group for those affected by the condition and also - crucially - for their families, friends and carers. Taken together these keep me fairly well most of the time, and I can spot when I’m going “off”, either up or down.
So I’ve been lucky and learned a great deal. Sleep, medication, nutrition, benefits, exercise - the whole works. But I put the work in. It’s not easy but now my life is so much better than it was. There’s a saying that the price of Liberty is eternal vigilance, and that is true but just as a diabetic needs to monitor themselves really closely, so do I. No difference really.

Someone who chooses not to take responsibility for their health is in denial. He may be reluctant to give up the exhilaration of mania, because if it means he’s more productive and creative in the hypomanic stage, he will see that as a good thing - but not all of it is good, especially if anger and violence then come in, and you become a target or victim of his irresponsible behaviour.

It is a definite trade off but if he refuses to accept that he has to change, or lacks the insight to see that he should, then there’s nothing you can do about that, any more than if you were faced with an alcoholic or addict. You are just as powerless.

The way for you to feel better is to get yourself some support, if you haven’t already. If you’re in England, then try the helpline for Bipolar UK (despite the name they don’t cover the UK, but hey). What organisations are there locally for carer support? Have you approached any other mental health organisations, like MIND or Breathing Space? Counselling, marriage guidance?

I will finish by saying that my heart goes out to you, it’s no fun and a great worry. I see this situation frequently. I have seen many relationships end because of the illness not being properly acknowledged. My first marriage broke up partly because of my illness...so don’t be afraid of taking steps to protect yourself. I hope that this is useful and doesn’t come over as patronising or smug, it’s not meant to be. Just that I can see both sides, and you clearly need supporting.
Best of luck

Hmm, maybe by staying with him you are enabling the behaviour of coming off his meds - he isn’t experiencing real consequences if you are there as a safety net and to pick up the pieces.

I take medication for bipolar 2, because I have to. But it took me getting to breaking point, and my children being frightened as I broke down in front of them - and my marriage ending - to accept that I had to get help. Horrible, but necessary too.

Scotsmum - thank you for your post, so many good suggestions that I have never even thought of! I wish I lived near your support group, it be lovely to have someone else who understands.

And the credit card suggestion is a sensible one. During one hypomaic episode I ordered an tortoise online. Then forgot I’d done it and was flummoxed by the package I found on my doorstop a few days later. It was a little alarming as I opened it up 🙈 At least I could laugh a little about that one, a lot of other hypomanic decisions - nothing to laugh about at all, as i’m sure you know all too well.

Good luck OP, it sounds really tough for you

If he's in denial about it, then that's a massive issue. Refusing to take meds and accept your concern isn't helping anyone, least of all him.

It's not selfish to put your own needs on the agenda and those of your DC. It can't be easy for any of you

Hold on, you're going to end your marriage because your DH is ill?

My medicine has been absolutely life changing, helping me find the middle ground between manic and suicidal.

I have learned to accept I am bipolar and one of the best motivations for this has been real consequences.

It must have been so difficult for people around me to say enough is enough, you need to take responsibility for your condition, it's too much to ask of a partner to prop you up every day - I respect them so much now for giving me boundaries and following through with consequences.

It's tough because when you're manic you feel invincible and I think people are jealous and trying to bring me down etc when they're trying to help me - so I put a massive effort in to take my meds before I get to that stage.

Its not fair on you (or my loved ones) to expect you to pick up the pieces every time. You deserve to be happy and not always waiting for the next huge high or crushing low.

You need to put yourself first in order to help him. It isn't selfish of you, it's a kindness in a way. Good luck OP you sound lovely

Oh god it's nice to read that other people buy the strangest things during a manic episode - last time I convinced myself I had a brilliant business idea and spent hundreds of pounds on domain names! I only realised when I had come down from the mania and saw the emails confirming them!

I agree with PP.

I also have bipolar (type II), it's my responsibility to keep myself well and take my medication every day. It's not my husband's.

I work very hard to keep myself stable including cutting out alcohol, sticking to a consistent sleep schedule (this is important for bipolar) and being aware of any triggers/symptoms.

I'm the one that's ill, I need to be the one taking responsibility for it.

You need to have a serious conversation with DH about him facing up to having a lifelong condition and accepting responsibility for his own wellbeing and the impact it's having on you (including making you feel that you don't want to stay in the marriage).

If this doesn't wake him up then please don't feel bad about leaving. Of course you support your spouse when ill but there is a limit when they aren't willing to take care of themselves.

@ThatCurlyGirl

I've bought chickens (live ones), signed myself up to expensive degree courses, cars, started several books, started several businesses only to lose interest after a week, all sorts

@wheresmymojo Glad I'm not the only one, live chickens wins the internet today!

Everyone is different of course but I didn't want to start meds for a long time because I wanted the highs as they felt so amazing. When the manic episodes tipped into psychotic episodes and totally reckless behaviour (including copious amounts of drink and drugs) it scared me into taking it seriously.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP hopefully it helps to hear from the other side, that the bipolar partner taking responsibility is vital to staying healthy.

Love the tortoise and the chickens . DH went on a massive clothes shopping spree during last manic episode and looked like Mr Tumble for weeks.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it's comforting to hear that others have been here too. Bipolar is such a bugger. I have huge sympathy for anyone living with it.

Very struck by the suggestion that I'm enabling his behaviour. I'll think about that. I feel so sorry for him - he didn't ask for this - but I'm aware I find it hard to set boundaries.

@Plump50

I have huge sympathy for anyone living with it.

Lovely OP - remember this is you too, you live with it just once removed. You said it yourself, give yourself some sympathy too x

About 20 years ago, I knew someone with BPD. I also knew his colleagues. He was in denial about his illness - he said it was wrongly-diagnosed, and he was actually epileptic. Even off the back of being sectioned.

Drugs and therapy weren't as good then. But he lost his job, because he basically used to stop turning up - he'd say he had a migraine, or flu or whatever. His colleagues started to refuse to cover for him, and he was taken through the capacity process.

Because he denied he had the illness, he refused to take responsibility for his health. and drank, smoked dope, and ate rather a lot of junk food.

I had to draw back from the friendship - it made me so angry to see the way he used other people when actually, he could have exercised basic self-care: exercise, no drugs (alcohol or cannabis), and taking his medications.

Don't blame you OP - if your husband is not taking responsibility for his health, there's little you can do. Don't be guilted into becoming his carer.

It's a chronic condition I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Or even Donald Trump.