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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my mum right?

22 replies

Littlegemz · 08/06/2019 21:30

so my P is such a man child its unbelievable, I’m sure he is also emotionally abusive.

Anyway I’m currently staying at my mums as I have a second degree burn on my leg and needed a bit of help looking after my DD. Today P came down to see us, during which he didn’t help look after DD unless I asked him (I.e. change nappies, take her outside) so I ask him to give her a bath which is does without complaining but afterwards he sneaks off downstairs without getting yet dried and dressed. My mum has told my I’m as much to blame because I should be telling him what to do and as soon as he came downstairs I should have come to get him. Now he hasn’t seen DD since Wednesday and won’t really help look after her even when at home and I don’t think it’s my responsibility to mother him and ask him to look after our child, she is as much my responsibility as she is his. Annoys me that somehow I’m responsible for reminding someone to look after their kid especially when I’m not 100%.

Do any of you agree with my DMs comments?

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 08/06/2019 22:20

No. Her standards for men are very, very low.

C0untDucku1a · 08/06/2019 22:23

No. She is wrong. She thinks a man is a hreat father if he is in the same room. That’s having very low standards.

Look, youve had to leave home to have help with you daughter. Despite having a partner. your partner is no help. Why are you with him?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 08/06/2019 22:33

Your P is a very poor excuse for a partner and father and your mother is plain wrong.

Original poster

Littlegemz · 08/06/2019 22:51

Gosh so many spelling mistakes, damn iPhone.

Don’t get me wrong my mum is amazing, helping me look at DD with the bits I’m struggling with especially washing DD as I can’t bend down really and meant to have my leg raised.. little chance with a crawling 8month old. But her saying I’m as much at fault, I shouldn’t need to say anything and especially not while I’m trying to heal. And I did say this to her but she her mentality is I should instruct and direct.

As for coming down to my mums for help, put it this way yes P works 9 - 6 during the week but even when he is around he’ll just watch tv on the sofa, I have to remind him to feed DD... if not he’ll just wait for me to do it or until she is in tears!

OP posts:

WoodyWoodpecker4 · 08/06/2019 22:56

I think you need to comunicate a bit better with your partner on this one. Being a father does not come naturally to every man and may be he just does not have a clue as to what he is doing, it may be just plain laziness or he may just be afraid to ask. If I were you I would have a sit down with him and nip it in the bud now before it becomes too much of an issue and causes bigger issues between you in the future

friedbeansandcheese · 08/06/2019 22:57

Your p sounds like a lazy, useless fuckwit.

Your mum has very, very low standards.

friedbeansandcheese · 08/06/2019 22:59

Woody, really?? Would you say the same about a woman? ‘Being a mother does not come naturally....’ fuck me.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 08/06/2019 23:05

Well do you ever pull him up on his shitty behaviour?

I didn't read it as your mum telling him how to suck eggs but rather what are you doing about forcing changes?

C0untDucku1a · 08/06/2019 23:24

Oh do fuck off woody. How ridiculous! An adult should have to be told step-by-step that a child needs to be fed?! He is lazy. He should look it up himself if he has no clue what to do. And you should raise your standards.

BummyKnocker · 08/06/2019 23:29

Being a father does not come naturally to every man

@WoodyWoodpecker4 And I suppose women have the parenting manual downloaded at birth?

What utter twaddle.

Expressedways · 08/06/2019 23:40

You and your mum both seem to have quite low standards for men to be honest and I don’t think either one of you is right. If you’re resigned to putting up with him being so useless then I suppose she has a point and you may as well direct him to do stuff. You also have a point that this approach shouldn’t be necessary, however, it clearly is because your DP is useless and can’t even remember to feed the baby.
Sorry you’re in the situation, especially when you’re recovering and I’m glad you have your mum to help.

Original poster

Littlegemz · 08/06/2019 23:50

P is just lazy, I have spoken to him about it in the past amongst other issues such as his bonding with DD.. he wouldn’t interact with her at all and would on occasion leave her unattended on our bed when when she had learnt to roll.

The issue really is I’ve realised P won’t change, got the ball in motion financially to leave him, I’ve done everything to help guide P which usually end in him snapping at me. My mum knows this but her comments leave me feeling like maybe I should do more, I know I can’t, but still that guilt that in order to keep our ‘family’ together I’ll have to direct him.. but I don’t bloody want to.

OP posts:

Ffsnosexallowed · 08/06/2019 23:53

Just lazy?? No he's a shit parent and a shit partner. I'm with your mum, tell him to man up or leave him.

Wildorchidz · 08/06/2019 23:55

Just leave him before you end up expecting a second child with him.
Make sure he pays child maintenance.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2019 23:56

Your mother's bar for how a grown man should behave is on the floor. Sadly, it appears you have taken after her. Raise the bar and get rid of this deadbeat.

Peachsummer · 09/06/2019 00:01

My DM is the same. My father was crap and did very little parenting, zero housework or cooking. So DM thinks that’s normal and acceptable. If I whinge that DH doesn’t do enough, DM just says that’s what men are like. I reply that just because her husband was shit doesn’t mean I should accept mine being shit.

Original poster

Littlegemz · 09/06/2019 00:02

Lazy, amongst other things.. those listed above are a couple.

It’s more my mum knows I’ve set things in motion to leave him its something I have battled with and feel like I’ve failed my DD (logically I know it will be better for her too). So the comments of perhaps you can do more in all honesty just make me feel guilty. I just wanted to know what others thought, should I really have to direct someone on how to parent.. I was living far away from my family when I had DD I didn’t have anyone to show me how to care for her.. sure I’ve got nieces and nephews which helped but apart from that and the basics it was guess work.. that and ALOT of googling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlegemz · 09/06/2019 00:07

I think I’m looking for validation from my mum, for her either to just not comment or say you’re doing the right thing. But really it shouldn’t matter.. it’s my life he isn’t pulling his weight in any sense and I’ve tried. I just need to keep reminding myself of that and pushing forward with leaving him

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 09/06/2019 00:08

You havent failed your dp. He has. Youd fail her if you stayed and let her believe this was all either of you are worth.

Ilady · 09/06/2019 00:43

I have seen woman put up with lazy men who do nothing in the house or with minding a baby/child. Some men seem to think that once they go out to work, they can come home and just sit their when their partner does it all.
My advice is that now you have realised that your partner is like this you have decide what you want in your life - do you want a partner who is willing to help you, do his share of the household jobs and mind their child.
Or do you want to stay with a man who acts like a child and expects you to mind him just like his mammy did?
When you become parents it can take time to find your feet as parents. But you both have to be willing to work on things. From what you have said your have spent months trying to get your partner to get up, mind his child or do any work in the house.
Don't stay with him because you feel it the right thing to do for your child. To be honest it not the right thing for you or your dd. You only going to keep resenting him and end up fighting with him.
You need to make plans to end things with him and meanwhile make sure you do not get pregnant again.
I know a lady who stayed with a man child like yours due to a few different reasons. She can't stand him now. She is sick and tired of doing it all and of being responsible for everything. He still acts like he is in his late teens when he is in his early 40's. Even his own children now have very little time for him because over the years he spent very little time with them. Also they have seen how he treated their mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2019 09:25

Littlegemz

What are you getting out of this relationship now with your so called partner?. Something is still keeping you with this bloke so what is it?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you and do everything in your power not to repeat their mistakes. Your mother's relationship bar is so very low here as is yours.

Original poster

Littlegemz · 10/06/2019 20:25

@AttilaTheMeerkat, well until recently the guilt of breaking up our ‘family’ and the fear of leaving my DD with P is what stopped me. The last bit sounds so bad, but P has always refused to look after DD and left her in situations that were in my eyes quite dangerous.. also never had any interest in looking after her well. So I always felt if he pushed for a lot of contact I wouldn’t be able to protect her.. but likewise I want her to have a relationship with her dad I just don’t think he’d look after her. Before anyone says you never know until you allow him to, I have and time and time again he has proven he can’t, unless of course he was just doing this to get out of it.

My bar was certainly low for putting up with his shit, but now I have got things sorted to get out before my daughter thinks this is how a man should behave.

OP posts:

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