very upset................feel betrayed by dh..............

[octoberfest]

I don't feel good about admitting this but last night I was sitting at the computer and was bored so I opened an email dh's friend had sent him the other day. Not much to it but when I glanced down I saw the original mail my dh had sent him I notice my name mentioned severfal times. Human nature being what it is I readit. I was completely shocked. In it dh had said a lot of very hurtful things about me. There is a grain of truth to some of what he said but not all of it is even close to the truth. We had our first baby last year and while we were very close before that and baby was planned things have not been so good lately.
I have thought about telling him I saw the mail and trying to discuss what he said in it but then I am afraid that it will become all about me being wrong to read it in the first place(which I know I was) but that might stop us discussing the real issues as he is obviously unhappy. What would you do? My stomach is in knots all day worrying.

Perhaps you could tell him that you can see he's not happy and ask him to tell you how he feels.

Well you were in the wrong for snooping
did you secretly suspect him of wrongdoing?

He is terrible at talking things through though. Either he won't discuss things or gets very angry and defensive and I end up apologising for things that aren't even my fault.

Having a baby can knock even the strongest of relationships off track, so what you are going through isn't unusual
I would tackle it with your DH without mentioning the email, and see what happens
if you want your relationship to continue to thrive you have got to talk this through
have a good heart to heart as soon as possible

Hi there

difficult one this....you clearly can't mention that you have seen it, but let me ask you this.....do you write/talk/text your friends about your dh? if he read them would he feel betrayed too?

We all have hidden emotions and we all need to vent them, maybe he was just looking for advice.

IMHO i would perhaps sit with him one night and say "i been feeling a bit weird about us recently, maybe i'm being silly but...." and try and start a convo that way. However men are crap at talking, so if he doesn't respond it isn't personal, maybe try another tack another night.....is your relationship otherwise fine?

I didn't suspect him of anything. To be honest I am feeling a bit isolated and lonely at the moment and just had a look to see if dh's friend had any news. I know him very well too as he and dh have been friends since dh and I met. That's why I was so shocked. Thought I was going to see a mail about what mutual friends are up to etc instead saw a numbered list of complaints about me!!

IMO, it depends what he said. If he said "she's not interested in me, tired all the time and more interested in the baby than me" then I'd just let it go and perhaps try to spend a bit more time with him. If he said some nasty things about your personality etc then that's more worrying.

Hi meeley, I do talk about him with my friends a bit I suppose but in a general sort of way. This was a numbered out list of things about me. In one he said I'm not really bothered about looking for a job and we need the money. He has NEVER discussed this with me. In fact we recently talked about me staying at home a bit longer with dd and then maybe looking for something part time after Christmas.

firstly, you were wrong to read his emails.

Secondly, we all need someone to talk to sometimes. Have you never confided in a close friend about your relationship? It's possible your dh was just doing that and that is his right.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but the only way to get through it would be to sit down with your dh and talk to him about it. If you feel unable to talk face to face, then write it down, either in a letter or email. It sounds from what you've said that your dh is better at expressing himself in writing, so if that's the way to go then I would do that and hopefully you can resolve things without having to resort to arguing.

A baby can put a strain on the strongest of relationships so you are definitely not alone on that score.

also, if he's said to his friend that you're not bothered about looking for a job even though you need the money, it's possible that he's trying to shelter you from his worries about money.

I just feel very upset because the guy he was talking to is the biggest gossip in our circle of friends and dh painted me in the worst possible light. There is no doubt that this is going to get around and I won't be in a position to defend myself.
In a lot of ways dh is a great husband and dad but in others he just needs to grow up. Since we had dd he hasn't wanted to make any adjustments to the way he lives his life. It's like dd is ultimately my responsibility and he does me a favour by helping out.
This is making it clear to me that we have a lot of unresolved issues that I will need to tackle sooner rather than later.

I would just fess up if I were you - at least it will mean you can have a proper frank discussion about it - yes you were wrong to read the email but surely he can forgive that and talk about what he wrote - he obviously feels he needs to talk about it or else he wouldn't have written it

I really feel for you - I know that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find out something you shouldn't

i'd go with what dustyfawkes suggests...

oh and dont give yourself a hard time for looking at his email...

Well just a quick update. This evening I mentioned to dh about me getting a job. Kept it light and non confrontational. I didn't mention the email. He said he didn't think there was any hurry and we would need to think about it more to decide if part time would be worth it once we paid for childcare and that he didn't think I would get a good enough job locally to make full time worth it and he doesn't want me to have to commute too far/ Not fair on dd he thinks.
Where does that leave me??? One day he is emailing his friend, complaining about me and making me sound like a complete b*&ch and the next he is all reasonable and understanding. I'm so upset and confused by it all.
I know everyone can have a bad day but the email was so cold and so critical. It didn't seem like the rant of a person in a bad mood if you know what I mean.

Hi Octoberfest,
I don't think that it was that bad of you to read the e-mail! You were just being nosey by the sounds of things rather than snooping. Was it an e-mail (Outlook-type) on the home computer or a hotmail-type account that you secretly know his password for?! Do you get e-mails to this same address? Just thinking of how you can justify opening it.

I think your dh has been an absolute git. I don't know how you can resolve this without telling him you saw his e-mail. A numbered list is pretty juvenile and rather damning. I would probably storm around a lot and then explode at him when he asked what was wrong. Either that or just get over it and move on I suppose but you sound pretty hurt and rightfully so. I'd be gutted if my dh did the same and it would take a lot for me to trust him again. In fact, I'm not sure if I could - he'd have to do some serious sucking up.
I say have it out with him....and don't let him get away with turning it back on you with regards to privacy matters.

It is on an Outlook account that we both get emails to. I know it doesn't excuse it and I think he would be very hurt to know I looked at all. It was my first time doing it and I have definitely learnt my lesson. I'm just so confused about what is going on. I suffered a bit from PND after our baby was born so maybe he thinks I am still too fragile to be honest with. The funny thing is I thought we had been doing better lately.

octoberfest - don't beat yourself up about reading the email - what he did was much worse (not that it's about scoring points) - agree with popple - think you should just have it out with him, cry and shout and just get it all out or else it will eat you up.

Yes he'll be angry that you read the email but at least it'll give him a justification to feel angry and some of the reasons why he sent it might come out. I know it's hard but I would just bite the bullet and tell him all.

try just a general talk.
it more than likely was just venting the way most people do.

Any chance he could read this thread and see how guilty you feel but also he'd see he needs to explain himself? I think men don't like being spoken of behind their backs and will understand why you're hurt he told a friend instead of you.

I once had a huge problem with dh which I name changed on mn and posted on mn about. He read the whole thread (I also posted on it in my usual name later on half hoping he'd see) and I was quite relieved as I didn't have to spell everything out for him. Cowardly but true.

It helped that mnetters agreed the issue was a problem whereas before he'd seen it as me being hysterical etc.