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Relationships

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Will this ever work?

15 replies

HeadFuck999 · 08/06/2019 20:19

I’m in the Process of splitting from my husband and have been seeing someone (let’s call him Fred) for the last couple of months. We knew each other a long time ago. I feel so comfortable and sexy with him. We can talk about anything. We message a lot and see each other once a week or so, for a couple of hours tops. The chemistry is amazing. He asks for very little from me, but has mentioned falling for me several times and sent me a message last weekend saying that he loved me. I am much more guarded with my feelings, but having not expected to be able to have sex again, much less a relationship, I’m tempted to let my guard down and see where it goes.

There’s a problem though. He’s a single parent to a child with additional needs. Child has no contact with his mother or her family. Fred’s parents look after Fred Jnr one night a week. Fred is self employed and works very hard to make ends meet, waking at 4am most days to work before Fred Jnr wakes up. He has a hobby which is also a source of income for him, and he tends to use his child free times at the weekend to do that. Evenings are difficult because of Fred Jnr’s needs.

I have a child too, and I’m hoping to share custody close to 50/50 when I move out.

At the moment, Fred doesn’t want to tell anyone that we are involved. He hasn’t had a relationship since leaving his ex and I’m still living with mine, I don’t know how long for. I’m happy to keep things casual at the moment, and I don’t want to affect his parenting (which is exhausting and tough for him as it is) but I’m struggling to see how he will ever have time to have me as the girlfriend he says he wants.

I’m so confused. I’m worried about continuing and getting closer and closer and then getting hurt, but I also don’t want to give up what we have together. And I believe him when he says he loves me.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 08/06/2019 20:31

Too soon. Too difficult. Just be single for a while. Once you are happy on your own your judgement will be better.

FuriousVexation · 08/06/2019 20:35

I personally wouldn't get any more involved than a FWB situation.

That doesn't mean you can't support each other - you can be friends. Who occasionally have sex. But there's no inherent level of commitment there. If things get more complex (e.g. his DC develops additional needs) then you can back away with a clear conscience.

It's quite possible he wants an adult relationship of some sorts to alleviate the pressure of caring for his son. Which is totally understandable. But you need to enter into this with clear eyes.

Supersimpkin · 08/06/2019 20:37

Ditto. I'm wary of anyone who refuses to admit you are a couple but wants couple benefits.

daisychain01 · 08/06/2019 20:38

Are you leaving your ex for Fred. It makes a difference if you are because it will shape your decision-making more than if you were splitting up regardless of Fred. iow you will feel as if you have more to lose if things don't work out with Fred iyswim

HeadFuck999 · 08/06/2019 20:53

No, not leaving for Fred.

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HeadFuck999 · 08/06/2019 20:57

I'm wary of anyone who refuses to admit you are a couple but wants couple benefits.

He’s said several times that he wishes we could do normal couple things. He’s talked about introducing me to friends and taking me out to “show me off”. But because I’m still living with STBXH, and it’s complicated financially so I can’t easily just leave now, he doesn’t want to put me in a position where I’m having to explain him. Until I’ve moved out I think he feels he’s sharing me with STBXH and I’m not really free yet. He may also be protecting himself in case I change my mind (I won’t, but if he’s feeling that strongly about me already I can understand the fear).

He’s really lovely and has been through a lot. And he won’t ever do anything that risks impacting Fred Jnr, which is one of the things I like about him.

OP posts:
HeadFuck999 · 08/06/2019 20:59

STBXH and I have not shared a life for a long time. Separate rooms etc or years. It’s the finances that are complicated and preventing a move at the moment.

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NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/06/2019 21:27

Take nice and slow and enjoy the time you spend with him.

carrotflinger · 09/06/2019 06:28

I can understand him not wanting to make it obvious that you are a couple while you are living with STBXH. He may also have a worry that you aren't really separated etc. Maybe he just wants to wait until you have moved out.
So I would continue to develop the relationship and make plans to move out - but into your own place, not in with Fred.

However, that is not the only issue. I have learnt from bitter experience that if your gut is telling you the man does not have enough time to spend with you as his gf, then your gut is right. It doesn't matter what they promise - it won't happen (eg. when Fred Jr is x years old we will have more time to spend together because XYZ). "I'm just going through a busy phase at work at the moment". "My hobby doesn't take up that much time".
I've heard all this before and got very badly hurt. Ended up feeling completely worthless because ex claimed he loved me and wanted to be with me but wasn't prepared to make any changes in his life in order to spend more time with me.
So tread carefully there.

ConfCall · 09/06/2019 20:54

I think he’s being very sensible in not wanting to be official yet.

Don’t end it. Take it slowly. He sounds great but you need to prepare for not seeing him much and that becoming a deal breaker so try to keep your own interests going, focus on DC, work hard, spend time with friends etc.

HeadFuck999 · 11/06/2019 19:44

Fuck. Fred has gone distant over the last week. Cancelled our established plans for the weekend that 3 days before he was really excited about. Now saying he has a lot on with Fred Jnr (I get that) and maybe got involved too soon. Which would be fine but I’ve just realised that the bad stomach I’ve had for the past week is fucking LOVESICKNESS.

I’m a 41 year old professional woman, who is in the process of exploding her entire life, and I’ve let this happen. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
Missbee90 · 11/06/2019 19:54

You ask Fred outright what he wants, I’m not saying go all heavy and say you want a relationship etc but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask if he sees this as a FWB situation or more.

Keep Fred and the ending of your marriage separate.

HeadFuck999 · 11/06/2019 20:01

I suspect he’s going to end it rather than carry on with the FWB thing. And my stomach is in knots about it.

OP posts:
carrotflinger · 11/06/2019 20:20

It's probably better that it ends now and not five years down the line when you are even more invested in it.
I think he doesn't really have the time for a relationship with all that is going on in his life right now.

HeadFuck999 · 30/06/2019 16:17

It’s over. He has achieved some pretty amazing things over the last couple of years thanks to “no distractions” and the next project is massive and will basically take his one free day and night per week for the next 2 years. He doesn’t think that would be fair to me and we’d probably only manage a couple of hours a month around daytime commitments. He apologised for letting himself get in so deep (he says he has very strong feelings for me and doesn’t want anyone else) and didn’t want a FWB arrangement as his feelings are too strong for that

Bit gutted because I had strong feelings too.

Still friends. Going to focus on me for a bit and see how things are down the line once I’m living alone etc.

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