Am I asking for too much from children’s father ?

[2boysmummyxx]

My children’s father and I spilt 10 months ago after 6 years due to many reasons, gambling, disrespect and just overall me not being happy. Initially we agreed he would have them just as much as me (never expected it) then we agreed every other weekend (didn’t happen) now finally got some progress going a month ago, where he said he will see them twice a week for a couple of hours then once over night a week. There is no real structure he tells me on the day or the day before. I noticed that the day he wants them over night is always a Sunday or a weekday and procures I’m just happy his spending time with them and just giving me some time to myself, but is it not unfair to just pick and chose the days you want, should it not rotate Fridays, Saturdays and sundays so that it’s fair on both parts? I have tried asking for some sort of structure but he just says he can’t his too busy yet manages to see his girlfriend on weekends as she doesn’t have her child then( which is none of my business and I’m not really bothered) but I just think if you can make time for your special person then why can’t you for your kids?

No you're not asking too much. He's a knob.

No you're not asking too much. Your children need a routine of predictable dad time, you need a life where you get predictable you time. He doesn't have the right to dictate when you& your children can and can't see him. Let me guess controlling/selfish behaviour was part of the reason you split up. It's all about him and it should mainly be about the children, with the adults both getting a bit of what they need too. It's hard being a lone parent, you need to take control of this situation for your own stress levels. Good luck OP

Totally not asking too much. Everyone needs to have a fair go on it

No, the unpredictability isn't fair on anyone. The only time it would be acceptable is if he works shifts & doesn't know them much in advance or if he's on call - it doesn't sound like either is applicable (more like he waits to see if his gf has plans or not)

My kids really like the predictability of contact with Dad. Mine would be very angry and eventually refuse to go if it was as random as your situation.

I agree!

At this point I’m just so frustrated this guy has made my life hell for 8 months non stop..because he wasn’t ready to let go of this even though I left Was ALL DUE TO HIS BEHAVIOUR! Then he finally got in a place of acceptance about 2 months ago but still since then I get abuse of messages and verbally over the phone when ever I ask for him to see them more or to give me more routine.. it’s got to the stage where I don’t even want his money any more because it gives him a feeling of control if we argue he says well he will hold on to it . So I actually said moving forward keep your £150 which for 2 kids is a small amount in my belief. I just really am so disappointed in myself for ever settling down with someone like this. All I’ve ever done is work, I’ve worked 8 months into my pregnancy with both kids.. but worked part time once my youngest turned 9 months.. I left that job about 3 months ago and I do something on the side- beauty realated and obviously get help from child tax and child benefit.. so he constantly makes me feel bad telling me I can’t talk about him seeing his kids because he has to work and doesn’t get his whole life paid for and just making me feel absolute shit about my life. I’m just at a place where I just don’t know what to do, I’ve tried getting along with someone for 10 months for the sake of our kids who does nothing but

It’s just honestly getting to much

You need to be a stuck record

It’s the kids best interest to do x and y - if he thinks you want fridays to go and party then he won’t let you!

And stop asking start telling

EX kids are available Tuesday and Friday evening. Collect at 5pm. See you then.

If he chooses to ignore you be ‘out’ or ‘busy’ when he asks - then text the following week - kids are available Tuesday and Friday - see you at 5pm

Keep doing it - you’ve made them available - you did yoir bit

And take his bloody money! It’s not yours it your children’s

^this sounds like a good way to approach things

He sounds awful. Guys like that annoy the hell out of me.

I'd echo previous posters in saying you should press for greater consistency in when he sees them. And take the maintenance - if he threatens to withhold it, go to CMS.

Go through CMS for child support and decide what days and nights would suit you and the dc best, and tell him those are his contact times.

Stop letting him pick and choose and stop letting him away with not paying child support.

I think people who say go to court go to cms have star coloured glasses. It is not that easy with someone who does not want to co operate. You can't force someone to see their children on a regular basis-especially as children become aware a parent priortises something(s) else first. And forcing to pay even minimum cm is not as easy at mumsnetters think
It's hard sorry

But if you do get a court order and they chose not to visit or take the children at least you’ve done your bit and you aren’t pushed for a visit in his whim - it’s Wednesday evening or nothing
Saturday daytime or nothing

His choice

OP you do know you don’t have to let them see him at all don’t you. If he wants contact he can do the going to court. That is of course if you’re willing to be full time parent. Otherwise what PPs have suggested, kids will be available 5pm friday and 5pm tuesday, see you then.

I would also formalise maintenance payments. Call CMS and they will do an assessment. Be realistic about how much he’s having the kids, any adjustments can be made later. If he doesn’t cooperate it can get quite complicated but it’s worth just getting the ball rolling. Do it before he decides he needs his money for other things. My DC’s father doesn’t see him, he’s just stopped paying, despite having £36000. It might be only £150 a month but it was the money I used to save for our holidays etc and now I’ll be scraping the bones of my arse to take him away for one week a year. It’s not fun.

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do, but if you can formalise as much as possible and be firm about the rest then at least you can rest in the knowledge that you’re doing everything right.

Oh, and there is a £20 fee for a CMS assessment, but if there was domestic abuse/violence in your relationship then they won’t ask you for it.

Ponyprincess, she might as well go for child support through the CMS as he's not paying, and when he was paying it voluntarily he used it to try to control her. If they fail to make him pay, she hasn't lost anything.

She might as well schedule of when he can have access to the dc, as currently he's pissing about and she can't live her life. If he fails to attend, that's on him. It's not on her to bend over backwards for him.

Thank you for your replies, I have thought about going through CMS but I don’t think he would be honest about his earnings as he works for himself.. his already told me I wouldn’t get anything as he doesn’t seem to earn a lot on paper!

We had a very mentally abusive moment today when he picked them up, he would not leave me alone and kept following me and shouting abuse at me on the street so after today I have decided I will not be going through direct contact with him anymore. Does anyone have any advise on what I actually do legally in this kind of situation, I’ve looked online it mentions mediators? But I don’t think that will be any help!

It’s just got so toxic I would rather do it all alone with no help then have to deal with what this actually doesn’t to me emotionally.