Pregnant & struggling in relationship.. help?

[Loui778]

Hi ladies,

I’m new here & really need some advice/support. I’m about 6 months pregnant with my first baby and am really struggling with my life. I don’t have a bad life, in many ways I’m lucky, but I’m struggling with regret for certain decisions I’ve made in my life.

This is my husbands 3rd child, he’s got 2 kids from his previous marriage (girls). I’ve always gotten on well with them but have noticed the last couple months my feelings towards them are changing. My guess is hormones are to blame, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment.

Lately I’m just so full of regret over marrying my husband and getting myself into this situation. I feel robbed of a lot of experiences most first time mums get to have, and I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing how ‘lucky’ my child is to have big sisters built in. I don’t feel lucky at all, I feel robbed.

I can’t create a nursery for my child because our house is too small & the girls need the room. So my kid is going to be stuffed in with us. Everything is always about them, and I’m starting to resent that I can’t do things most new mums get to do, I can’t just talk joyfully about how excited I am of my own first child without them somehow being dragged into it, and I’m at my wits end with it all.

My husband tries to be supportive, but all I feel right now is resentful. As happy as I am to be having my first kid, I sometimes wish I’d never met him or made the decision to be with a man who has kids already. This is MY first kid & I want to be able to enjoy that experience without having my sgepkids bejng shoved down my throat all the time. I fantasize about running away fairly frequently & it’s starting to have an affect on my marriage.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will my feelings change after the baby gets here? Or am I doomed to be resentful forever?

I’m really struggling & would really appreciate some kind words of support or advice. Thank you kindly.

L

OP I haven't been in this situation but it does sound very difficult.

A lot of people will say "Well you chose to have a child with a man who has children, what did you expect" but I know it's not always that black and white.

Did you discuss before conception about living arrangements wrt bedrooms etc?

Is some of your emotion driven by fear that he won't love your baby with him "as much as" his older girls? Or that the new baby won't get as much of his attention? Because that's something that you can think about rationally. If that was actually a problem, nobody would ever have a second, third, etc child, on the basis that they could never be as loved and doted on as the first.

Have you spoken to him about your concerns and fears?

Do you feel cherished by your husband?
Or do you feel like a built-in housekeeper and nanny? Are you realising something and that is driving your feelings, but they are projected from where they should be and onto your stepdaughers?

Does he seem excited by the new baby?
Or bored and rather "routine" about it all?

Thanks for your responses girls.

It’s definitely not black & white, as you said. I didn’t start feeling this way until a few months into my pregnancy, so it’s not something I could have planned for or foreseen really. If you’d told me a year ago pregnancy would change how I feel about the girls this much, I wouldn’t have believed you.

My husband really does try to be supportive, as he’s very excited about our baby. He’s told me many times our relationship is much different than what he had with his ex, and he feels more ready for a child now than he did when he had his girls.

We’ll eventually have to move so we’ve got space for our child, but we’re holding on for now to save money. Again, this is something I knew prior to being pregnant & have taken issue with as my pregnancy has progressed, so I know a lot of it is fueled by hormones.

I’m lucky to have the kind of relationship I do with my husband, it’s mostly outsiders who keep shoving the girls down my throat. Even my own family won’t stop mentioning them & have told me I just sound bitter when I say that hearing about them nonstop is making me resentful.

I feel like the stereotypical evil stepmum, when the reality is anything but. I’ve always done my best to be kind & thoughtful towards them & their mother, and even with how I’ve been feeling work very hard so they don’t notice a difference in how I behave. But that doesn’t make it easy.

Mostly I’m upset with myself. I sometimes just really wish I’d met a man without all the baggage & I could enjoy things I see my friends & family who don’t have stepkids getting to enjoy.

I’d give anything for these emotions to go away!! Really, really hoping things will shift again once the baby gets here & that it’s really jut hormones at play.

I was in this situation around 13 years ago so I do understand. My husband at the time (now ex ) would be putting stuff onto me what happened with her ex and their babies I e they had lost some and the youngest daughter was born premature so kept making comments to me when pregnant like oh be careful we don't want to loose it etc.
Once she was born he was happy although the other girls always came first and his ex would be constantly causing trouble putting on us to have them and deliberately causing trouble. In the end it broke our marriage as the youngest daughter became a terrible teen and was rude to me and disrespectful he never supported me or told her off. Being a step parent is one of the hardest things in the world as you will never be as good as their mum. And once you have your own your relationship with them will change you will naturally want to put your own first. It's sad that you can't make a nursery and you may get frustrated with this. I don't want to dishearten you just thought i d explain my situation.
I m now a single parent with my 13 year old and life is easier and happier. Funnily enough I get on well with his youngest as she's has grown up and is fine.
Good luck feel free to ask me anything else and remember you deserve a medal to be a step parent .

Jade, you are so right about stepparenting being one of the hardest things in the world! It’s something I don’t think anyone can understand if they’ve never been through it themselves.

I’ve had my own friends & family make the most judgemental comments because they just don’t get it. I’m worried about what we’re going to do with the girls around the time I’m due to deliver, and have asked my husband to modify visitation around that time as we don’t have friends or family around to take the girls should I go into labour. We can’t count on their mum to help us should that happen, so I’d rather he modify the schedule so I don’t stress about it.

More than one person has said to me, well what if the mum doesn’t agree? Shouldn’t she get a say about the modification?

Am I supposed to just keep my legs closed then if I should go into labour whilst we wait for the queen bee to give the green light to drop the girls off then?? It’s such an unreasonable expectation. They aren’t my kids, this is my first child, why should I have to stress close to the delivery of my baby about what to do with someone else’s children??

Thankfully my husband is on my side with it & has modified the schedule, but man alive do I feel resentful. If I had known what I know now before I got married, I’m not sure I would have made the same choice. I’m just glad I’ve got somewhere to vent, somedays I feel I’m ready to blow with all the emotions running wild. It’s not been easy the past couple months & there are very few people who really understand how I’m feeling.

Can you explain in more detail? What is modification and does he have them all the time ? Bit confused why are they not thinking of you ?
Is something wrong with their mum?
It will get more complicated with another child in the picture believe me. I had issues with my in laws not having my two year old at the time over his older daughters who could have easily gone to a friends it left me stuck and paying out for extra childcare at the time.
They always came first funny thing is now they are grown up he hardly sees them .

We don’t have them all the time, no. It’s every other weekend & random weeks throughout the year whilst they’re on school holiday.

Their mum is high conflict, very selfish woman. We can’t trust her to be available to drop the girls off if I were to go into labour, everything always has to be on her terms so it’s easier if we were either to make plans for the girls to be with my husbands family during his visitation, he go up to see them during the day provided she keeps her phone on loud should he need to leave, or simply forgo visitation right around my due date.

We’re hours away from family so there aren’t people we could call in a pinch to watch the girls if we needed them to, and we have limited friends in the area. No one reliable anyway. It makes it complicated. Being a stepparent is complicated no matter how you look at it, being a pregnant stepmum having your first baby is tough!

Do you mean she might still drop them off if you go into labour? When is due date is it on their weekend. I d arrange for his family to have them to be safe. Yes it is I am more than happy to be a sounding board not sure how you do private messaging on here though ?

Also how old are your step daughters?