i dont find matches on dating apps because im overweight!

[Quern]

if you are
1 of healthy weight
2 scrubbed up well
3 independent

you won't struggle to find matches on dating apps?

i am overweight and have let myself go a bit after a series of negative events that took place in recent yrs , OLD is a nightmare that has knocked my confidence even further down. are there ladies who found matches while overweight and not putting an effort on how they look?

I think it’s more that you’ve let yourself go than the weight. I am single, not currently online dating but I try and look presentable for myself. I am about 2-3stone overweight. Taking care of your appearance is important to help you feel good! Currently I’m trying to do the following-

1. Regular hair appointments
2. Pedicure weekly (do myself)
3. Face mask weekly (i use a clay followed by a moisturising sheet mask)
4. Applying gradual tan once a week (for a slight glow)
5. Getting out with friends and my mum as much as possible (best way to meet people)

Even something small as a tinted moisturiser and a bit of mascara makes a difference!

Thing is you CAN be overweight and still look decent but by your own admission you have let yourself go! Imo not putting any effort in to how you look, shows a huge lack of care for yourself and that is NOT attractive.

In all honesty would you date a man that took no care in his appearance?

What’s stopping you having nice hair, decent clothes, bit of lippy and mascara if that’s your thing etc?

It's odd to video call first.

But I would say if they dont contact you after the first video call. Either they dont think you look like your photos. Or it's actually your personality they dont gel with.

Not saying you have a bad personality. Just not right for them and it's not your looks.

I agree with pp. If you dont make an effort with yourself, I would assume you were quite depressed and negative in general.

But again, it depends on what 'not make an effort' means. It could be anything from just not the sort of person to have their eyebrows waxed, wear make up etc which isnt a big deal. To someone who doesnt wash themselves and not bother running a brush through their hair or wear clean clothes, which put people off.

my bmi is 31.5 and the odd match i find on tinder always ends after the first video call

What the hell kind of video calls are you doing that they can tell your BMI from it!? Surely if your photos are honest, the video calls aren't showing them anything they haven't already seen, so surely it seems that you're putting them off due to something that ISN'T looks related?

Not wishing to be rude, but could it be your voice, the way you talk, or that the things you say are putting them off, rather than your weight? Are you interested, interesting, upbeat and positive?

Only you can change how you look, how you feel and how you come across.
If your not happy with your look - do something about it.
If your not happy with your weight do something about it.
Look for the positives instead of negatives, in this brief post you don't sound a very positive person (I may be wrong) and that will come across.
BUT you have to do these things for you, not for someone else. If you don't love yourself then how can someone else love you.
Stop been hard on yourself, become your own cheerleader. Nothing has to stay as it is unless you want it to.
X

Are your teeth yellow? Does your face match your photos? Where do you do the video calls from - is that place tidy and well lit? Do you comb your hair / put a bit of make up on for these calls—video calls are often the equivalent of the first date; you have to make as much of an effort as you would on a date.

I think it sounds like your confidence is low, people are attracted to confidence. If you appear confident and take non-weight related pride in your appearance like looking after your hair and skin and nails, make up if you like wearing it, I’m sure you’ll get matches! I met my dh on OLD and and I’m a size 18!

Just because someone may get more matches does not mean that they get more dates or more meaningful relationships. Better to get few good quality matches than hundreds who just lust after your body.

My BMI is higher than yours OP. I'm now 4 months into a relationship from a Tinder match. I think the problem isn't your size but, like PPs have said, you've let yourself go. Unfortunately OLD is very superficial and you have to have a good, upbeat profile.

You sound quite down and this will come across in any video call. I suspect this is putting matches off more than your size.

If I were you I'd take a break from OLD until you're feeling a bit better, it's brutal even to the most thick skinned of us.

I agree with the majority. It’s really not your BMI that’s the issue.

I find video calls generally so nerve wracking, I bet you're just coming across as awkward and uncomfortable. The more you do which don't go well, the more nervous you'll feel.

If you prefer not to do them don't be afraid to get to know people more on WhatsApp or whatever and then meet face to face if that's going to make you more comfortable

Video calls are weird. They clearly aren't working for you, so i suggest you just stop doing them. Chat via text / Messenger / WhatsApp until you're sure you like the person, then arrange to meet in person.

That doesn't make a lot of sense, if your photos are current why would a video call put them off, they have already seen how you present?

So it must be something else. Why are you video calling? That must be quite nerve wracking,

I agree with the others- if your photos are current and full length then your weight isn’t an issue if they’re getting to the video call stage.

I wouldn’t video call anyone though. I met dh on plenty of fish and we messaged and then agreed to meet for a daytime coffee. We ended up chatting for 4 hours and stayed until they threw us out! That was ten years ago...

Yes, I found my boyfriend through online dating and used my fat pictures. I was a size 14 to 16.

When I met him I was a size 8.

Similarly, he used his chubby pictures.

We both catfished each other.

I didn’t look like my pictures. I think I looked tireder in real life (I was really sick when I met him).

I always get my hair and nails done. In the beginning I always wore makeup and dressed well.

I think it’s important when you meet someone you try and present the best version of yourself. I stopped dating for years when I was at my heaviest.

I didn’t video call with my current BF - however I have video called in the past. If someone got weird about video calls or photos I would not meet them.

I received texts and photos from my BF before we met.

If anything, it was me who didn’t reciprocate the photos because I didn’t have any.

I'm morbidly obese. I'm honest on my profile and have been on a few dates plus get a lot of offers but don't take them up.
Maybe it's more about confidence?

I've clicked "a few extra pounds" and there is no shortage of men messaging me. There's a very nice sounding gp that I'm currently plucking up the courage to reply to (on paper he is everything I could want in a man and the village where he lives looks amazing, thanks google street view and nhs website!)

I think it comes down to be positive in other ways, I'm no catch but if you sound fun and interesting, the extra pounds matter less. But if it's really worrying you do what I have - get the couch to 5k app, and do the parkrun every Saturday even if you walk, I've lost over half a stone since Christmas without dieting.

I've never found my weight mattered. My confidence and what was going on in my life definitely does though.
I've dated when I was not ready, due to life circumstances, poor mental health, rebound etc. That's the stuff that people pick up on even if you think they don't.

I understand, @Quern

I'm pretty confident in myself. I have a couple of interesting/pretty cool hobbies; I'm sociable; I'm 'well presented' (if a little alternative); I go to the gym; I'm educated; employed... on paper, I look like a reasonably good catch! But the reality is far from that.

I did online dating a bit a few years ago, and I've recently ended a relationship. I've dated a few men here and there and only one has not had an issue with my weight/body - yet even he felt the need to point out that he didn't have an issue with my size!

My bmi is currently 27. The highest it's been is about 28.5. So maybe size isn't really anything to do with it! But I don't know what the answer is.

I would also be curious to know what you mean by having let yourself go.

Well, friendly rather that sociable. I don't think anyone would accuse me of being sociable

But I'm always friendly.

I’m overweight and I don’t make a lot of effort in my appearance in the conventional sense (as in tan, makeup, nails, designer clothes). In fact the last two first dates I didn’t wear any make up at all as I went straight out from work. But clean clothes, freshly washed hair, brushed teeth and a smile works for me. I’m more comfortable being me and I wonder if that’s where the problem lies? If your confidence is a little low, you probably won’t regain it in the fickle world of OLD.

I was overweight too and had a lot of messages and dates, I am now married to someone I met on pof. My photos were always recent, I had a full length one up and was well groomed. I would avoid the video calls and arrange a meeting instead.

Are your pictures an honest portrayal of you?
Are your pictures portraying "cant be bothered"?
Does your profile portray the same thing or is just short and lacking any information.

Unfortunately OLD is very superficial and it really is about the first impression, people idly swipe through and unless something catch's their attention then you have no chance.

As mentioned the "overweight" bit is not an issue, different people fancy different people, its the "let myself go". That comes across as cannot be bothered which in turn makes people think that IRL you will be the same in an attitude to a relationship/date etc.

Video calls are scary, I never did, but an old fashioned phone call after building a rapport on messaging worked for me.

Write an honest profile, get some decent pictures (looking happy!) up and dust off your dancing shoes. Be confident (even if you're not) and be positive - positive is important.

Decent dating thread on here - maybe ask one of the ladies to privately critique your profile?