Is anyone else in the position of knowing they absolutely should go, but just can't find it within themselves to do it?

[ShouldIStayOrShouldIRun]

I already know I should LTB.

If I posted just one of the things he has done to hurt me over a twelve year period it would be a resounding LTB. Emotional abuse, alcholism and sex chatting with other women mainly.

It's gotten to the point today where I've listed all he has done to me (he did a list right back talking about how HE is the one who is upset about how unappreciated he is)

He asked me if I wanted him to leave.

And I clammed up. All of a sudden the absolute clarity that this isn't how relationships are suppossed to be became muddled.

He talked about how upset the dc would be if he went. This is true, they adore him.

The thing is, I don't know how I'd cope. I'm not sure if I would on my own anymore. I used to be fiercely independant, but I'm just a shadow of my former self now (alright, that did sound very melodramatic, but its the most apt description for how I feel)

Did I leave it too late. Will that anger and drive to leave come back?

Yes it will and without him holding you back you will go from strength to strength. You will find the person you used to be. The DC will be much better off not living in a toxic environment and not learning that his treatment of you is an acceptable way to treat someone. They will be able to continue to have a relationship with him so do not let him emotionally blackmail you with that. Him having a relationship with the DC does not depend on you and him staying together as a couple.

Me. I feel stuck at the moment but the only way my day to day life isn't just a horrible atmosphere is when i am constantly scruitising what I say, do and how I act so as to not set him off. He is deeply unhappy with me and sees all the problems in our relationship as my doing.

I've realised very very recently that I feel really relieved and calm when he's out the house. I feel the stress lifting as i drive away from the house or when i watch him leave and feel increasingly tense as i get closer to home. That's not a great sign at all.

That being said your partner sounds like a total knob. Sorry that you're also torn.

It's hard to make changes, especially massive changes that will affect the lives of your whole family.

Change is really scary and it's why there are women in their 70s living with husbands who they despise and have for 40 years. (See: my extended family) No judgement here. If you don't have the right support it's so, so difficult to overturn the whole situation.

Would it help to list your specific fears, both practical and emotional?
EG
"Who will fix my PC when it breaks down?"
"What if there's a spider? What if there's a REALLY big spider?"
"What if the post office try to deliver a parcel while I'm at work?" (he was the SAHP)
"What if I want sex?"
"What if DSS blames me forever? What if ex tells DSS that I have a new boyfriend like he threatened?" (Spoiler, I didn't date again for 2 years but ex told DSS every day that I would soon forget about him because I had a new boyfriend. Cunt.)
"What if ex carries out his threat to [throw all my stuff out for the bin men/tell everyone we know that I'm a slapper whose been shagging dozens of other men/ring my work and tell them I'm a bitch]?"

Can you make a list like that and then go through it thoroughly and logically, with no emotion involved, and say how you'd deal with each situation? Imagine each scenario as you are an advisor to a woman who's come to you asking about this - what would you advise?