How to get past this?

[Rainraingoaway9]

My husband and my dad have fallen out, over something I see as trivial but to both of them it’s huge. It will blow over, I’m not worried about it particularly, but it has raised some serious issues about my marriage for me that I think I’ve been in denial about and my dad pointing it out to me has made me wake up to it.
My husband has increasingly become more and more anti-social, boring, controlling... when we met 12 years ago we would regularly go out with friends, out to dinner, gigs, pubs, and now he says he doesn’t want to go anywhere or speak to anybody else because he ‘only likes talking to me’. I find it exhausting to be his only point of social interaction, he’s always expecting me to sit with him every night after the kids are asleep and listen to his work stories or opinions on the news or telling me the news (that I already know because we all get the same bloody news notifications surely?!)
He’s slowly taken over the finances, the cooking, the housework, and likes it all his own way. I feel like I can’t do anything without him watching and making me uncomfortable.
He talks disparagingly about almost everyone, even his own family, who he used to be really close to. He never sees his old friends now.
Even weirder than all this, he doesn’t make eye contact with people. Whenever we bump into someone and chat to them, he will talk but stares fixated on me and not them, it makes everyone uncomfortable and the conversation ends quickly. Sometimes we see people and he just won’t talk, leaves me to do all the talking and stares at his shoes or his phone. It’s rude!
He says he’s an introvert, but so am I and I’m not rude or this bloody weird, and he certainly wasn’t when we met anyway! He promises to be more sociable now I’ve told him how I feel, but already this morning he’s just been hovering around me seeking reassurance and I’m finding it so irritating, it’s like a switch has flicked and now I can’t stop seeing him as really annoying and strange!
I believe marriage is for life (as long as no-one is abusive!) and we have kids, but oh my god I can’t imagine another 50 years of this! How do I go back to blissful ignorance of his quirks or reach acceptance or get him to change?

What if it is abusive?

It sounds like you are being socially isolated and you have no say over your own finances and homelife. Which is controlling and abusive on his part. He wants to shrink your world down to him.

I definitely have a say, I still go out without him sometimes and look at the finances and make decisions, it’s much less than I did though and there’s such an atmosphere when I do.
I think he’s really insecure, he thinks I’ll leave him, so this is his clumsy way of trying to be the ‘best husband ever’ by taking everything over?!

The "atmosphere" is emotional blackmail and manipulation to reduce you doing what he doesn't like you to do. he doesn't need to hit you or verbally abuse you because he can make his displeasure clear to you without that. And it is affecting your behaviour, as you say you're doing it less.

You need to stop pandering to any of that so-called insecurity, otherwise he's going to smother you.

You’re definitely right there, I do pander to it, I’m a very strong woman so why am I doing that? He needs to suck it up, I am not going to be house bound!
We have an event today where he should be supporting his daughter, he’s already making noises to try and get out of it!

If you're going to stay, you need to be very awake to what he's doing, police your boundaries, and keep policing them.

Take back the finances, cooking, housework etc (or rather share them equally), don't sleepwalk any further down this road. Go out, call him out on his rudeness to people, ignore any sulking/black cloud behaviours, tell him to bog off and do something else if he's looming over you while you're doing something. Either he'll back off and get a grip, or he'll escalate his behaviours.

Thank you, that’s great advice, and I’m going to try my hardest to follow it.

I felt smothered just reading that. Do you want your children growing up thinking it's normal for a man to be so "possessive" over his partner?

Your husband IS abusive. Staying in a marriage simply because you feel "it's for life" even though you're miserable is very sad indeed. It's time to raise the bar. Your father has the gift of experience and wisdom. Perhaps you should listen to him. After all, all he cares about is what is in your best interests.

Is he depressed or have some other mental health issue? It’s not normal

Not that I know of, though I’ve suggested he see someone about it like a therapist or the GP. I also wondered if he has an undiagnosed learning difficulty.
He’s open to talking about it at least, I just find myself wanting to avoid him right now, until I process this a little better. It feels like a really sudden change to me, though I see now it’s been going on for years.

Sounds like he could have undiagnosed aspergers, make sure you get some space for yourself until he speaks to the doctor to get some tests done or therapy organised.

Good Lord, he is completely obsessed.
It is controlling, he wants to isolate you & control your every thought.
Horrifying