Lack of sex after 2 years, age 28

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I never thought I'd be writing this but here goes. I haven't spoken to anyone about this in real life as I just feel like a failure.
I'm 28 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living together for just over 1 in a rented flat. He is also 28.
When we got together I had dated a steady stream of horrible men and he was the first person who I had felt safe, comfortable and steady with so he was a welcome change from what I had been used to.

He has been nothing but supportive with a difficult time I have had with my family (parents bonkers behaviour) and patient with me at time when I have felt depressed. So as not to drip feed, I am on a low dose of antidepressants at the moment, and have been on and off them for years. We get on well with each others families and friends, have similar interests and last year made the step into living together with a view to potentially getting engaged in the future.

My issue is the fact that sex just doesn't seem to happen between us, not at the frequency or the effort that I would like. 9 times out of 10 I am the one to initiate and on the 1 occasion he does I feel he's doing it to placate me which isn't a nice feeling. In an ideal world I would be having it every day but would settle for once a week. It's more like once every 2 weeks or could be as little as once a month.

We work in the City, though not particularly long hours, exercise 3-5 times a week, have money in the bank, can go on great holidays and have no big life stresses like crippling debt or bereavement etc going on. On the outside it looks like we're having the time of our lives. At 28 I feel like I'm in my prime and too young to be settling for a monthly sex session. I want to feel like my partner can't get enough of me, as I would him. Sex is so important to me, I would like to see it as something we enjoy together and find new things to try, but I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. I keep myself in shape, dress well, eat well, take care of myself etc and I know objectively I must be attractive to the opposite sex.

I have tried to address this with him multiple times, which usually ends in me crying uncontrollably as this is really doing a number on my self esteem. I feel like it gets me down every day that something so important to me is neglected, and I realised the other day that I just don't know that side of him. I couldn't tell you any fantasies he has or what he even likes/dislikes? When we first got together I still wouldn't say we had that burning passion of wanting to rip each others clothes off the second we got in (though sex did happen probably once or twice a week) but I liked the stability and lack of playing games that it didn't seem to matter to me at the time. When it does happen he'll say "that was good" afterwards but doesn't allude to anything else that he liked or wants to do again. We don't really send dirty texts to each other and when I've tried to do this in the past it's fallen flat on its face.

When we have tried to speak about it, he blames the following - stress at work/overthinking work things and not able to relax in bed/feeling depressed (which he won't seek help for)/digestive issues (which he has seen a doctor about years ago, but doesn't seem to be interested in long term treatment for).
I have tried to speak to him in a gentle and non judgemental way, I suspect he just isn't that interested in sex at all.
I am at my wits end, as I love him dearly, and he is brilliant in so many ways, but if we don't have the sex and fun and enjoyment now, pre kids, pre hard life events, then I don't see what chance we have, even though it pains me to admit that.

Please be gentle with me as I'm at my wits end, we're at that age where our peers are getting engaged on a weekly basis and I suppose I'm feeling the pressure that the clock is ticking, though I don't see an engagement happening this year or next.

If you got this far then thank you for reading.

You've expressed how you feel to him and things haven't changed so it's unlikely that they ever will. You've only been together for 2 and a bit years which in the grand scheme of life is short, and it's already causing you so much upset so can you really imagine going on like this for another 40 years?

No one should settle for a relationship that's unsatisfying sexually but especially not someone as young as yourself. You're right, you're in the prime of your life so my advice is don't waste it feeling unsatisfied. Although I know it's hard because you love your partner.

I'm 25 and wasted 4 years of my life between 20-24 with someone I didn't have a good sex life with. Like you, it was infrequent and I was always the initiator and I went from someone who had always been sex positive to someone with low self esteem and a negative outlook on sex and love in general. I left and have now met someone who is a great match for me sexually and romantically and I bitterly regret wasting those years now because I know it didn't have to be that way.

I'm in a similar situation, tho we had it last night for the first time in two months. Was great when we met, met nearly two years ago but been together six months, but the last 8 months hadn't been the best. I feel the same when it comes to self esteem etc I'd have it a few times a week but bf just isn't that interested any more and blames his age , 12 year difference - mid 40's. Have you talked in depth about how it's making you feel? Does he have a reason for it? Wish I could offer some better advice but I can't see a way through it either.

He’s not going to change and I think you’re right, he’s just not particularly interested. There are lots of threads on here about men with low libido for various reasons. It is very common.

I was with someone like this.
He turned very abusive and controlling after marriage and pregnancy, eventually there was no sex at all for years until I eventually got out...with terrible threats and a horrendous breakup I won't go onto here. In retrospect, he was like this from the start, but I was in a bad place and he very slowly turned up the heat on the psychological abuse so I put up with it until I found myself more "stuck" by pregnancy.

Does your boyfriend have controlling elements to his personality? Does he have any aversions to certain sensations, sounds, touch?

Ultimately, just leave. This won't get better and it will fuck your head right up.

Why are you even considering getting engaged to a man who has a dramatically different sex drive to you? Such a difference that it's affected your self esteem. A difference he is not willing to anything about by seeking 'help' because he doesn't see it as a problem and is perfectly content with once a month, or less. Such a difference you end up uncontrollably crying? There is no compromise available here. Your right to a fulfilling sex life that suits you does not trump his.

You seem to be assuming that you are going to have to settle for either security and love or passion. You can have both, but i think it's highly unlikely you can with this guy. This will only get worse. His excuses will grow when you throw in wedding stress, kids etc. He IS giving excuses, but you have to look at the actual reason: his sex drive is dramatically lower than yours. If you cannot deal with that now, how are you going to feel in 10 years? Unfortunately love does not conquer all.

I'd vote for the short term pain of splitting up, over a lifetime of pain feeling unfancied, sexually unfulfilled and destroyed self esteem.

I think you might need to accept that this is just how sex between the two of you is going to be.

I'm in my mid 40s and recently ended a relationship after a few months because similar happened in my relationship and I know enough nowadays to know that it isn't going to change.

When we got together sex was nice and respectful but not passionate. I want to feel 'desired' and 'desireable' and he just didn't make me feel like that. He told me early on that there was so much he wanted to do with me sexually and yet never tried anything beyond the very basics. I initiated it 9/10 times and any attempts I made to 'flirt' with him also fell flat on their face.

I did try bringing it up but he wasn't really interested in talking about it. He thought I was seeking reassurance and just told me that he loved me and fancied me but that was all. He wasn't interested in improving it and, eventually, I concluded that I was comfortable and dependable but he just didn't fancy me enough. I clearly didn't repulse him, but it wasn't enough.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship nowadays where the sex wasn't right for me.

I’m sorry, but you’re not compatible. If you stay with him, you will have to resign yourself to boring, infrequent sex forever. That’s not something you want.

You have a lot going for you. The financial ties you have with this man can be easily dismantled, you don’t have children to consider. You work in the City so presumably are financially independent with good earning potential. Lastly, time is still on your side. You have years yet to find someone with whom you are really compatible. Don’t settle.

You're so young! You have your whole life ahead of you. Find the strength to break away from this man, take some time to heal, and then go find someone you're compatible with. Life is too short!

Get out now! Trust me! My partner and I have never clicked sexually, which is something I tried to ignore for several years. He was a rebound from a guy who I was madly in love with who cheated on me. We now have a 2 year old DD and we haven't had sex since a couple of months into the pregnancy. I can't afford to leave so we're just plodding along. Don't get to this point, it's soul destroying!

Sexual compatibility is massively important in a long term relationship- it's the glue that holds things together when everything else can seem to be falling apart. I've been with my wife for 30 years, married 27, and I doubt we would have survived the usual crises over children, money etc etc were it not for our strong sexual attraction to each other. Other things somehow seem less important when you are cuddling up in that mutually satisfied afterglow having done the deed. So, as others have said, if you cannot change him (and once a month is nowhere near enough at 28) then you will need to make some difficult decisions about your future together.

OP - just leave this relationship- it will only harm your self esteem and wellbeing. You really have no reason to stay.

OP it will only get worse if you marry. He then has trapped you and you cannot get out without a messy divorce.

It will only get worse if you get more tied down with him if he's like this in his 20's.

Get out now while you still have your life ahead of you and a chance of meeting someone else.
He will not change for you and he will lie to keep you.

I ended a long term relationship over this. He shouldn't have to have sex when he didn't want to and I knew there was no way of changing it so we were basically incompatible. It is very important to me in a relationship and now I am with a lovely, kind man who also has a similar sex drive and it has made such a difference to my self esteem. Obviously if anything happened and he couldn't have sex then we would deal with it, but it was the lack of desire that ended my previous relationship

Thanks everyone who has weighed in on this, some great points here. Lots of home truths but it’s relieving in a way that I’m not alone.

I think unfortunately the writings on the wall, we just aren’t compatible in that sense and I feel awful for wasting both our time. Agree that despite the excuses the main reason remains the same - he just isn’t that interested in it.

Some soul searching to do, he really is a lovely man but I know he deserves to be with someone with the same needs as him. Telling him is going to destroy him, but I feel like I’m being destroyed from the inside out, can’t eat, sleep.

Im a similar age to you. This wont get better! Realistically you may be a "couple of times a year" couple down the line.

I'm going through a similar battle with my partner of two and half years. I was so happy since I met him and established a relationship with him. We were very good together. I met some dicks in my life but my partner, he's a good man but the sex between us is dead, mainly from his side. I'm now at a point where I see him more as a friend than a lover. I'm at a loss where to go from here on in. I wouldn't consider myself to have a high libido at all. I would be happy with once a week or once a fortnight. We haven't had sex in months.

There will always be some aspects of a relationship where the two people are not wholly compatible, so some compromise is often needed.

You are clearly not compatible in this regard and only you can decide whether the benefits outweigh this for you.

The fact that you finish up sobbing when it is discussed makes it sound as though this is a vital element for you. But you do not need to equate your partner's sex drive with your own self-esteem - you are you whatever his desires or not.

I suspect that he feels under pressure as he can see that even talking about it makes you upset. I imagine that puts him off rather than firing him up for action.

I have a similar predicament but the other way around. I work away a lot and get limited time with my wife, i like to try and make the most of the time we have but i think my wife sex drive has decreased over time, mine has remained high.

With my wife having a low sex drive and mine being higher this naturally brings a clash. I have tried many ways to improve things, i actually posted a thread on here regarding my predicament. The MN community will be honest with you and provide some good advice.

I hope you are able to resolve your problem.

LUFC was that your thread the other day about your wife only having sex with you every other day when you're home? That does not count as low libido 🙄
OP as others have advised, things are only likely to get worse rather than better, you need to get out of this relationship and give yourself and him the chance to be with someone more compatible.

LUFC was that your thread the other day about your wife only having sex with you every other day when you're home? That does not count as low libido 🙄

Well, you might not class it as low libido but it's incompatible libidos isn't it? Which is what this OP is about.

Other people might not class once a fortnight as a low libido. That might suit another couple perfectly. Surely, the issue is whether both partners are happy with it? The number of times is irrelevant.

It’s almost like a self fulfilling prophecy, when I try to address it so much emotion and tears come out that I can well imagine it’s putting him under pressure which just feeds the issue further!

Someone upthread mentioned that it sounds like I’ve separated love/security and sex and that choosing one means I lose out on the other, I didn’t have a lot of security in the past both in my love life and family life, so when my bf came along I really chased that but threw my thoughts about sex to the side.

Thanks again everyone, clearly it isn’t working in the way I’d like it to and I don’t think I can spend the next 40+ years like this.

DecomposingComposers I was referring to the fact that LUFC said his wife had a low sex drive. I guess it's all subjective but many would agree that every other day isn't generally considered a "low sex drive". Hasn't he heard of chaffing?

yearinyearout

I get what you're saying but the OP here says she'd like it daily so presumably chafing isn't an issue for her?

It's horses for courses at the end of the day isn't it?

Do you think there is any chance he may be gay?.28 is extremely young to lose all interest in sex TBH. The fact that he is extremely kind and patient is often a sign (hes more into his feminine side!).At the moment you need to think clearly about your future ,if you get engaged and married and want a family for example .

Please don't stay in this relationship.

I was 28 when I married my ex-husband, after 2 years together, lived together for a year. We were still at it like rabbits.

We came to be like brother and sister and divorced after 14 years of marriage. We rarely had sex for the year before I somehow got pregnant (my reluctance), and had sex once after the birth. I wouldn't wish a sexual mismatch on anyone. It led to divorce, along with growing apart.

And this is what happened to a couple who were really into sex at the start.

Sex is important to you, so please don't sacrifice it thinking it will all be ok. It won't. The lack of sex will eat away at you and your confidence, the way it did my ex eventually. And the feeling of not wanting sex with him was a horrible one for me to have too. I would never knowingly proceed with a sexually mismatched relationship. It's hard enough when a matched one changes.