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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When do you give up on hoping for a family? Feel crushed and waking up in the night panicking

19 replies

usergoogle1 · 07/06/2019 20:33

I'm 36 on Monday. All I have wanted since a young age was a family.

it seems like there is an announcement every week of a new pregnancy (the second or third for most of these!). i have had a couple of relationships in my thirties but nothing that lasted. i don't want to be alone but everyone who has had a relationship end has managed to find someone else fast! i date. it just hasn't happened for me.

i have some lovely friends and a good job and have carved a life that is mostly comfortable. but it isn't enough. i am finding it so hard to watch videos of my friend's children or even watch tv shows where there a family in it. im now waking up in the night just wishing my life was over so i didn't have to face it on my own. i don't know what to do...from the outside youd think my life was sorted and that i was happy. im not. i don't want to live like this. having a child alone just isn't an option for me, it isnt something i would want.

how do you come to terms with this not happening? how do you adjust to a future you just don't want? there is no amount of travelling, socialising, spending time with friends or joining a new club that will ever fill this gap. i just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/06/2019 20:43

I remember this feeling, it's utterly engulfing.
All I can offer is validation & lots of Flowers.

usergoogle1 · 07/06/2019 20:47

picsInRed i feel so scared...it is crazy when you look at my life from the outside...highly paid job managing lots of people yet i am actually a total mess!!!! i cry myself to sleep most nights and feel totally terrified, waking up at 4am feeling sick.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 07/06/2019 20:54

Sorry...I know it's a bit cliche but have you thought about having some counselling to work this through?

It has to better than waking up panicking at 4am... Thanks

EleanorOalike · 07/06/2019 20:56

I’m 35 and the same. I’m definitely feeling like it’s not going to happen now. It’s an awful, awful feeling and everyone seems to be pregnant or giving birth right now, even the ones who never wanted kids. I fully get it OP. I’m devastated and cry most days.

No doubt someone will come along and say to try doing it alone but it’s not the same and isn’t an option for me. I’ve been setting things up financially and support wise so that I could adopt alone before I’m 40 but I’ve got to grieve for the biological children and husband I Ionged for first.

I’ve done all the usual travel, hobbies and working on my career and self that we are advised to do but when you feel you were born to be a mum and it’s all you ever really wanted it’s very hard to accept and feel like you are living a fulfilling life.

It doesn’t help when you get insensitive PMs from people on here like I did the other day going on about themselves and how hard it is being a mum and to stop thinking that the grass is greener hun Hmm.

I’m sorry I’ve no real advice but I do get everything you are feeling and want you to know you aren’t alone.

wheresmymojo · 07/06/2019 21:00

One of my closest friends was the same...she met someone last year at 39, they're now living together and are going to start TTC later this year.

It's not too late but it won't make anything easier going through this without talking to a counsellor...that will at least help you get things off your chest.

Hermie12 · 07/06/2019 21:01

I had accepted I would not become a mother but then met my DH when I was 38 . We had our daughter when I was 40. It still might happen

waterrat · 07/06/2019 21:09

OP I would really really advise getting counselling - as it will help you work out your goals.

If you 100 per cent want a child above anything - you can do that without a partner - and of course you then have the rest of your life to find love/ a partner.

there is a time limit on having kids - so have a real think about if that is what you want to prioritise. Go for it - it is genuinely within your control.

I know the pain of crying at 4am - but take control of what you can control.

RaspberryGirl · 07/06/2019 21:11

38 here and I feel similar, although I’m not quite at the desperate stage yet. I ended a relationship last year with the only man I could have seen myself settling down with in a very long time because he didn’t want children and now I feel like I might as well have stuck with him as I won’t get to have a family anyway. I don’t think I could go it alone either even though I’m strong, have a well paid job etc. There’s something stopping me going down that route. I just don’t think I’m that selfless. I want someone to support me and be by my side, plus I’d have to rely on my family to help me out and I’m not sure it’s fair to put that pressure on them. I know there’s lots of single parents who do an amazing job but I think it’s infinitely different going into it from the start by yourself as opposed to things breaking down after.

I hope you feel better soon.

MMmomDD · 07/06/2019 21:52

Two of my friends in similar situation to yours just went it alone.
Had babies own their own.
And both are great mothers to happy kids now..
You may it may not meet a man of your dreams. That - is beyond your control.
Having a child is firmly within your own choices.
You just need to decide and take a leap.

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 22:03

Having a child is firmly within your own choices.
You just need to decide and take a leap.

She has decided. It’s right there in her op-she doesn’t want a child alone.

It’s really hard op. I’d try counselling to help you to come to terms with it. If the situation changes, you having lost anything.

EleanorOalike · 07/06/2019 22:20

Thanks @PurpleDaisies I know I’m not the OP but it is very frustrating time and time again on here when we are told we should just get ourselves pregnant and go through pregnancy, birth and child rearing completely alone as if it’s the most simple and easy thing in the world.

Like the OP I’ve decided it isn’t for me. In my case, deliberately creating a child who will never know their biological father seems too selfish for me to consider and I’m also afraid, given previous struggles with depression, that I’d suffer from post-natal depression and be all on my own recovering from a birth and coping with a newborn.

The OP knows it’s not for her too and is looking for support and advice as to how to adjust to the possibility of a childless future.

FuriousVexation · 07/06/2019 22:27

It's really hard OP and I'd say it took me a good 5-6 years to accept that it wasn't going to happen and to be happy with what I had.

In my case it was different because my lack of DC was down to infertility. So I knew that there was no hope of a biological child, and that cut off one avenue of useless hoping.

I did still have the hope of meeting a man with DC of his own and building a step family. I did meet one, but he turned out to be a cheating bastard 😒 and after 4 wasted years I had to give up the fond relationships I had developed with his DC and DGC.

During this time I had continued contact with my late husband's DS and very luckily for me he has chosen to accept me as an adoptive mum (very long story). It has been a very difficult journey especially without a partner and with the knowledge that he will probably not ever be able to live independently and give me the GC I still crave to create a big loving family.

These are the things I have chosen to focus on:
My career - you already mentioned you had a good career. So did I. I'd say concentrate on your next steps up the ladder (or sideways) and take action to make it happen. Step up and ask for projects. Offer to cover more senior colleagues during sick/holiday leave. (I did this a couple of times during my last corporate position and after said colleague came back to work, I found I was still being thought of as the same grade as him. "Oh are there some interviews to be done? Furiosa could help out I'm sure!" "Furiosa, would you be able to have this Difficult Conversation with one of your colleague's direct reports? Thanks!"

I realised that animals gave me an enormous amount of love and satisfaction. I only had a tiny flat so it was just (at the time) me and my grumpy bitch cat. So I started volunteering for Cats Protection once a month on a Saturday. It was great for meeting new friends (human and cat!)

I now have a bigger place and I breed fancy rats :) Caring for them gives me a huge amount of satisfaction and love, also a lot of anxiety and vet bills! But it's all worth it.

I've never been that interested in travel, but I definitely "date myself". I go to the cinema on my own, I go out to eat on my own (and if I've hit my financial targets I treat myself to a "fine dining" meal once a month.) I go out for walks on my own, I go to the gym on my own. I also spend a fair amount of time speaking with (much less frequently meeting) the few friends I choose to cultivate.

I appreciate right now to you this probably sounds like "Blah blah blah be thankful for what you've got and work on yourself." But I just wanted to let you know that it may take some years to accept the position you're in, but it doesn't mean you'll be unhappy forever or always be wishing things were different.

I wish sometimes my life were different and this particularly kicks in around Xmas - I idolised the Xmas my Grandma always provided and I always wanted to provide the same to my loved ones. Wasn't to be. But that doesn't mean I spend all day Xmas being all depressed about it. I enjoy spending the holidays with my D(S)S and planning what dishes we're going to have, cooking them together and he's in charge of our viewing schedule - I'm in charge of our gameplay schedule. (Monopoly is the current fave!)

It will take some years OP, but you WILL get to a place of acceptance. In the mean time, please take these Flowers

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:52

@FuriousVexation
You sound amazing!
Life doesn’t always end up how we think it will. It’s what we do with the rest of it that counts.
Op I’m in the same shoes only older. I guess you get on and find someone/anyone now. And don’t worry about love or any of that stuff. You’ll get your children. You might not get your happy ever after.

IDontLikeZombies · 08/06/2019 08:09

OP, I have 2 DC but I fully remember the bone crushing despair I felt when my long term relationship ended and I thought it wouldn't happen for me.

I don't really have any advice but I wanted you to know you're not alone and if luck is something that can be shared you can have as much of my baby luck as you need Flowers

HollyLM · 08/06/2019 08:51

..... but your 36? With the way the world is today, you have plenty of time to still try and make this happen. 36 is young! x

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2019 08:58

I was reading about a woman yesterday who conceived at 50! There's always hope, OP!

HollyLM · 08/06/2019 09:12

.... you could meet someone at 3 years or so have a child at 41-42? x

PurpleDaisies · 08/06/2019 09:15

Posters are trying to be helpful, but the platitudes and “don’t give up hope” cheerleading really isn’t.

usergoogle1 · 08/06/2019 11:46

thank you for the posts. it made a dark day better. xx

OP posts:
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