Not sure what to put as subject

[WineIsMyCarb]

my DH has had crippling panic disorder for over 10 years, gets better and worse at times. He's had huge progress recently verging on recovery, certainly a radically different mindset. All down to his hard work.
He's currently living in the town we are moving to soon for 3 days per week, wfh 2 days plus Home for the weekend. He was doing great. It was a big move career wise (partcularly given how much his panic has affected his career and the feelings of inadequacy that cause the panic have also limited his career achievements (wanky phrase) until recently.
We have 2 DC, both preschoolers. I work for myself flexibly PT.
He's just rung in a dreadful state from a service station (on drive back home) after bad week - panic attacks in the office etc.

I just feel so fucking alone in all this shit.

Listened to woman's hour recently about being carer to spouse with MH probs and realised that has been me for over a decade. His parents unhelpful at v best. My mum sympathetic but sees him as weak.

I just feel so fucking alone, sitting here waiting to call him back after prescribed time of listening to a podcast. Bathing my children. I have no escape from this. It's a lonely hell. Sorry to be so dramatic - many have worse.

How did he make the recent progress? What kind of treatment is he getting?

So sorry you both are dealing with this.

Oh gosh OP that must be really hard for both of you. I had a few months of chronic panic attacks whilst on some medication a while back & I have no idea how people cope with having it for longer. Honestly it is no way to live & I would have really struggled to survive had it lasted any longer. It’s like being in a constant state of fear. 24/7. Just awful, I really hope you both get some support. 💐

Thanks both. He's had psychotherapy and done some reading which has 'enlightened' him. Just seems to have gone down the pan now. Realise that's a very negative way of looking at it. But am I going to be caring for him into my 40s, 50s, 60s? For the rest of my life? I am I going to be the emotional crutch for him 24/7 forever? Will I always have to pour all my effort, energy, positivity and encouragement into the fucking void or bottomless pit that is panic and anxiety? Do I not deserve a life? Feel totally thoroughly at the bottom of the shit heap, especially after a day with panicking DH, 2 small children, work and the everyday admins shit of life.
What can I actually do though? Leave him because he's ill? Bring my children up with divorced parents because Mummy couldn't support Daddy? He couldn't always have them on his own anyway, it's often to 'much' for him and he's grinning and bearing it.
Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Has he considered medication? Panic disorder can be caused by genetic factors or changes to organic brain function:

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/symptoms-causes/syc-20376021

If he hasn't already, he should have a full physical exam to rule out hormonal causes. He may also need and benefit from medications commonly used to treat panic disorder:

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20376027

If psychotherapy is no longer effect that would be the next step.

He needs cbt or meds. It's very horrible and being angry at him won't help.

Thanks you MissConduct
He's had SSRIs, bentos, non-SSRI antidepressants. He's had several medicals, 24hr ECG (panic is very hypochondria focused), blood tests (God knows for what), can't remember what else.

He's getting a lot of help. I'm not. Maybe this is just a blip and he will continue to improve.

I've had a cry now so have a bit more perspective. Being with him for the past few months have been like being with a different person, but finally 'him' IYSWIM. Now this shit again. WIll we never be free?

Do you love him?

You both need support so that you can work as a couple and make your role less of that of a carer.
If you are struggling, dont be afraid to speak to your GP about yourself. Would you like or benefit from speaking to someone outside the family?

Does your husband have any other support? Perhaps you could both look into some peer support style charities. In my area, for example, there are several groups where people meet up (with mental health diagnoses) and do activities. And a community allotments aimed at helping people who may suffer from some level of social exclusion etc etc.

If you were having to support him less....would you still want to be together? Bearing in mind that if you did divorce he wont be any more capable of having the kids more so that burden wont be eased.

Are you with him despite his MH or because (ie you feel like you cant leave because of it, but you would otherwise)?

Is it possible he's discontinued his meds? That would explain the abrupt regression.

Your doing amazing being there for him through all of this

But if its starting to affect your own life to this point where you are reaching out about how its affecting you and how alone you feel, then maybe you need to make some boundaries

For example you are not responsible for his stuff

You can understand and support him as much as you can, but you also need to keep enough energy and mental energy to be there's for your two kids, and also not forgetting yourself

If you can't be there for him constantly because you need energy for yourself and the kids, that dousnt make you a bad person, or mean you don't understand or love him, it dousnt mean you dont see and appreichiate all the hard work he has done and is putting in.... Its just doing what you have to do.

I think, find a way to get a regular break. Perhaps say yoga once a week every week, or a blinding night out. Also find some support for carers, maybe a local womens service, family support type thing, and take responsibility for going and blowing off steam.

Theres been a lot of advice for your husband but what I'm hearing is YOU. You are going mad stuck in there.

You need an out, and a release of steam.

X

Thank you so much everyone.

I love him desperately @Johngon . I've never thought of myself as a carer until I heard that radio programme and actually since it's got so much better recently. It's been like not having 3 extra children or babies or something to consider all the time. Shows up how much weight we were carrying for so long.

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I will look in to some support groups etc for us both. Hoping moving to a new area will be a fresh start in many ways. I realise we will take our problems with us, but he (we, I suppose) have a lot more insight and are moving for quality of life, incl closer to family.

Thank you for being so kind. Am screengrabbing so I can read all this next time.