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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living with MIL - at the end of my tether

30 replies

sammylilac · 07/06/2019 17:04

We moved in with her last November, with a view to save as much as poss to buy our first home. (me, husband and two year old son). I knew it would be tough going but it is proving extremely difficult to get through it. Things started off okay, but gradually over time we are all getting on top of each other. It's a small three bed cottage with a very steep garden that I can't really let my son go out and play in. We never asked her to move in, we told both parents that we needed to save more so were planning on moving further out and cutting down on rent. She then offered to have us stay and we all agreed on a price (£200 per month) plus us buying the weekly shop (which is working out at £400-500 per month). My husband and MIL have a very strained relationship without these added issues. He seems to hold a lot of resentment towards her, probably from her lack of being there for him as a child, but also because she highly favours her other son, the youngest child, and hands him money whenever he asks for it. She will often comment on our parenting, making comments about our son having a dummy (which isn't often, only for sleep) what we feed him, and that he needs to e potty trained. I tend to ignore these comments but my OH snaps and tells her to butt out (she doesn't like this). On top of that she never ever goes out unless she's working, and pretty much takes over the living room. I find myself going into our bedroom in the loft often as we don't like similar stuff on telly and obviously I like to have a bit of space or privacy. This doesn't bother me much and I know it's her house so need to be respectful but it would be nice if we had just one evening to ourselves. Anyway, to the main issue. Yesterday, OH sister rang me at work saying she had received messages from their Mum saying she feels unappreciated and like a 'human bank'. She then asked me if I would call their Mum and ask her how she is. I knew she was working so I text her and said would you like to have a chat this eve? She didn't reply. I then bumped into her after work on the high road, she kept her head down, so again I said 'do you want to chat?' she firmly said no and walked off. This shocked me tbh! I then told my OH to speak to her at home alone and try to work out whats going on. He got home to her in her bedroom with the door closed, knocked on the door and asked her whats going on. She said again that shes a human bank and no one cares about her and to go away. He left the room and told me we may as well move out. If I'm honest I will happily leave (but its hard because our son goes to a local nursery here which he loves and my job is much closer to her house) but it's do-able. Since then we have not had a word out of her, I've had another call from the sister again saying that it needs to be sorted, and just now received a message from MIL asking to have a meeting this evening because she is upset about quite a few things and hasn't been able to express herself clearly. I am more than happy to do this, but I can't help but feel angry. I really do try my best whilst living there, I never leave any mess after myself or our son, both me and OH cook most evenings, I hoover, I do her nails and waxing whenever she requests it, and I am always polite to her. Now I know no one is perfect, there is obviously something I've missed but what on earth have I done thats so bad? Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Any advice on how the hell we get out of this without a massive falling out? I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of saying something I will later regret.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2019 17:09

Don't worry about falling out, just GET OUT. This arrangement simply isn't working. Find your own flat as quickly as possible.

FriarTuck · 07/06/2019 17:11

I tend to ignore these comments but my OH snaps and tells her to butt out (she doesn't like this). On top of that she never ever goes out unless she's working, and pretty much takes over the living room.
To both of these comments I'd say 'It's her house!' She has the right to be there 24-7 and never go out. She does NOT have to give you privacy in the living room (you should give her privacy though). She can express whatever opinions she wants.
I'm with her. I think you're both out of order a bit and it would be best if you move out.....

KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/06/2019 17:13

@sammylilac ... I couldn’t even finish reading your post it’s so long ..... but that’s not a criticism, it just really shows how unhappy this is making you. You’ve got 2 options ....continue as is and be miserable or stop all this shit now and put happiness before money - I know your not in it for the money sort of thing I just mean better to be poor without this sort of drama affecting u so badly

SheepOnRafts · 07/06/2019 17:22

I know from experience that this kind of scenario does not work and leads to insanity. Leave as soon as possible.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 07/06/2019 17:26

Generally your MIL's actions make her sound a bit emotionally immature and unaware.
I think she offered this in good faith and is now resentful and wants to back-pedal on the arrangement.
Find somewhere else and politely leave as it doesn't sound like she wants to resolve the situation.
Good luck.

Troels · 07/06/2019 17:27

Have you saved some money yet? If so use it for a deposit and rent if it's not enough to buy anywhere.

Gazelda · 07/06/2019 17:29

You're not enjoying living with her,
She's not enjoying living with you.
Neither of you have necessarily done anything wrong. It just isn't working out.

I think a chat followed by a firm plan and timetable to move out is the best way forward.

sammylilac · 07/06/2019 17:46

Thank you all for the feedback - I definitely feel like it's time we left. We've been there for seven months which I know most people would struggle with anyway. I don't want to fall out with her, I want to have a good relationship with her. She is a good grand mother and has helped us out, but I'm starting to feel like I dislike her and that's not healthy.

OP posts:
another20 · 07/06/2019 18:42

Try and lose the anger. Listen to her politely - get your OH to hold his tongue. Apologise and agree to move out by x date.

It’s not worth the rupture. If she is a nice MIL and GM - just move on.

Don’t like the sound of your OH - does he treat you with such disrespect (yet?).

I do think that the other siblings are also stirring......so watch that space carefully.

Move on graciously

category12 · 07/06/2019 19:38

Time to move out to save your relationship with her.

If you have this talk tonight, stay calm and try not to take things personally - everything's been magnified by you all being on top of each other.

Agree a short time frame for you moving out and thank her massively, even if you don't feel it, for doing this.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/06/2019 19:44

Agree that it’s time to move out.

seven201 · 08/06/2019 07:29

I hope that the talk went well? I do think if you can you should probably move out.

Quartz2208 · 08/06/2019 07:32

Why is your oh sister texting you? The instances where it has gone wrong are between mother and son not you

Blueuggboots · 08/06/2019 07:40

My mum lived with us for 7 months from Jan-Sept 2018.
It was awful. It's only now, almost a year later that I can spend any time with her without wanting to scream.
Get out ASAP.

ukgift2016 · 08/06/2019 07:54

7 months is a long time! Surely you have saved up some money by now.

Definitely time you all moved out.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/06/2019 07:57

How did it go? And how the hell do you spend so much on food???

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2019 08:26

How did this meeting go?. Most likely not at all well.

Your family need to move out and asap; by the end of next week at the latest. This whole arrangement of you three moving in was ill thought out by your partner and it was never going to work out well in any case.

His relationship with his mother is strained because he is the far less favoured sibling of the three. She gives her other son money and her daughter is being used as her flying monkey; these two people are far more favoured.

His mother is also not above being critical about some aspects of your parenting so how you can personally call her a good grandmother is puzzling. Ignoring such comments does not really help you either.

llangennith · 08/06/2019 08:30

She's probably regretting asking you all to move into her home and doesn't feel able to tell you.
Move out asap so you can restore a pleasant relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2019 08:38

With a small house, it sounds like you're living on top of each other, so even if you were the best of friends it wouldn't be easy. Time to call it a day, and look for somewhere for yourselves.

EL8888 · 08/06/2019 08:48

At the end of the day it is her house and why would she be giving you space in the lounge. It's her house so you need to accommodate her, rather than the other way around. It sounds like she didn't really think how this would all work out if she is so aggravated. I'm also confused why she has raised the issues in such a dramatic passive-aggressive way. Your SIL sounds too over-involved in it all

My grandma moved in with us when l was a child for 6 weeks as she was between properties. She then proceeded to tell my mum where she was going wrong with my dad, my brother and l etc. Generally sticking her nose into stuff. They didn't speak for a while afterwards. I can imagine your MIL sticking her nose into the way you parent your child etc is annoying

I think it's time to move out

NewName54321 · 08/06/2019 09:16

Don’t like the sound of your OH - does he treat you with such disrespect (yet?).
This, especially in conjunction with your SIL contacting you about this instead of your DH, or does she think her brother won't listen to her?

In answer to your question, apologise to PIL for outstaying your welcome and make firm arrangements to move on.

Nicolastuffedone · 08/06/2019 09:23

Why did you both agree to move in when your partner and mum have always had a strained relationship?

BlueJag · 08/06/2019 09:24

Time to move out. You've had some time to save.
It is unfair to expect more of somebody that it's sharing her house.
My dh and I lived with my Mum for 8 months and we did very well but we needed to live on our own.
I'll always be thankful for her help.

Kittekats · 08/06/2019 09:28

How did the chat go?

justeatasalad · 08/06/2019 09:38

I also know from experience these arrangements never work long term . It actually shocks me a little that people do this unless your desperate I wouldn't consider it . Find somewhere else it can be local near work and your child's nursery I'm sure you must have saved a fair bit by now . I'd be honest it's come to a head you've invaded her space and she's pissed off and you need your own space so move out .

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