How to deal with an ex rewriting history?

[ACPC]

I had a short but intense relationship 20 years ago, just as things were going well he seemed to get cold feet and after 3 months of seeing each other 2-3 times a week he stopped calling and was obviously avoiding me. I was upset and felt used.
After about two weeks of silence I was asked out by a friend of his. I went for it and we ended up getting married, having kids etc.
Occasionally I would see my ex and he would look at me in a sort of doting way but would never mention our relationship.
He's never had another girlfriend or partner this whole time just occasional one night stands.
Cut to last week, I bumped into him whilst out with friends and he had clearly had a few too many. My friend tells him he's needing to settle down, find a partner so he tells her about me and him, turns to me and says he hasn't liked anyone else, still has feelings for me and if I hadn't met his friend I would have been the one.
Now I'm wondering what on Earth is this about? Do I tell DH? They are friends but also, he finished it, not me and my dh had nothing to do with it. He left the pub before I could respond. I'm likley to see him soon should I tell him he's got it all wrong? Ask him why he ignored me all those years ago? I've always wondered. Or do I leave it? I don't like him giving people the impression my dh acted dishonestly or I cheated. I just feel things were left half said.

I would 100% leave off having any conversation with this man about a non relationship that happened 20 years ago. It was a essentially a few dates , hardly even an "ex"

People's opinions and impressions do not matter. By engaging any chat with this guy it gives fire to that, ignore!

Tell dh. Ignore ex! If he brings it up again roll your eyes and forget it.

And no one else gives a flying fuck about possible cheating 20 years ago after a short fling when you were young. Think you're trying to make excuses to talk to ex about it.

Write him a letter? Keep it brief. Simply say “just wanted to follow up our conversation in the pub last night. You said that if I hadn’t met DH then I would have been your one. That’s not what happened. You dumped me. Things were great and for no reason you just stopped contacting me. After 2 weeks of zero contact that’s when my DH asked me out. We weren’t involved until after you stopped contacting me. To this day I have no idea why you did that. It was weird back then and it’s weird now that you can’t remember that happening. Thought it best to clarify as it’s not fair on DH for you to rewrite our history in an untrue way. Hope you find someone special and if you do, don’t just go AWOL on them this time!”
Then show it to your DH before posting it to him. Set him straight. Why not. Sometimes people have to be told.

That's exactly what I want to say to him but maybe it would just add fuel as a pp suggested. I haven't told dh. He really likes ex and would be livid not ti mention hurt

And no one else gives a flying fuck about possible cheating 20 years ago after a short fling
That's true.

I would not raise it with the ex - he's acting stupid.
But I would give your DH the heads up and say that he's started saying things that are untrue and he should know whats being said. Neither of you need to respond or defend but that way you have each others backs

Hmm, difficult to say what to do, sending a letter might just provoke more contact, and for what purpose? You have different interpretations of what happened, that’s not all that surprising. On balance I would leave it.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

I think he's just one of those people that doesnt have much going on, no hobbies etc is getting older and lonley. Maybe he's just using me and dh as an excuse? I'm also wary of dropping him in it with dh when he's possibly just said something stupid through alcohol. He's never made any move or inappropriate comment before.

I had a similar situation at University. I thought my ex was scared at how intense our relationship had progressed so quickly. I was also a bit freaked out and wanted to slow things down. He ghosted me, I assumed it was over and moved on. I was upset at how things ended and thought it was really rude and disrespectful. I thought it was gutless to not actually tell me to my face.

He was very upset I wasn't hanging around waiting for him. I think he was testing how much I liked him. Playing games like that is really immature. His friends told me he thought I'd messed him around and that he never recovered from me dumping him. He refused to acknowledge he stopped contacting me or replying to my messages to him.

According to him I'm the one that got away and he acts over friendly when I'm dating someone - but I'm now single and available and he shows no interest. I'm not sure what his actual game is or what he actually believes happened. It seems like gaslighting though.

shiny I hadn't thought of it as gaslighting but in a way it is. Thanks for all the comments, I realise writing it down, its all very juvenile. I think I will leave it, but one more incident and I will need to tell DH.

I'm also wary of dropping him in it with dh when he's possibly just said something stupid through alcohol.

Why protect this idiot? Tell DH as a heads up.

Argh. I suppose I would want to know if someone did this to dh. It's colluding with ex if I don't. Thanks again all.

Definitely do not write to him! Tell your DH and leave your ex to it. These are his issues, not yours.

Do NOT write him a letter. Do not bring it up in conversation with him at all. You saw each other a few times for 3 months - hardly the romance of the century. I'd laugh it off. Tell Dh what he said if you wish, and move on. Don't engage in a conversation with him regarding your fling again. You have moved on with your Dh and family. Not your fault he hasn't.

I'd laugh it off
I normally would I think I'm just paranoid he's been bad mouthing me all these years over a fling It's something over nothing and I will let dh know.

I’d tell your DH then forget about. And if your ex raises it again, say that you’re glad the relationship fizzled out as your DH is your “one” and swiftly change the subject.

I don't understand why you think he's been bad mouthing you? Sounds like he purer his heart out after a few drinks. He's probably mortified now.

I think he will be mortified. I'm probably over reacting. I think it's just hit a nerve because I've been cheated on I hate to be thought of as one when I'm not. I suppose I worry he might have told other people his version iyswim? We live in a small gossipy place

I'd do the same as I do when I hear (yet again, because this is a small gossipy town too) that the ex is still saying I am a crazy liar who concocted false stories of abuse, and framed him for stalking me and vandalising a car, and that's the only reason he was sent to prison. (And now he has a bad name, so the Police arrest him for everything, apparently)

Shrug my shoulders, raise my eyebrows and laugh.

Trust me, the more attention you give to this sort of crap, the more people will believe it.

Wow Christmas he sounds awful. You've given me much needed perspective. Gossips will gossip whatever you do, it's very unfair. Villiage life eh?

I don’t get how he has implied you were unfaithful?

He said me meeting dh ended our relationship and dh got in his way so not a direct accusation as such. I should really have asked him to clarify but I just sat there stunned. Then he left. I'm possibly tacking my own issues on to this.

But why do you need anything confirming? He pretty much ghosted you and you met your DH, so it doesn't actually matter about him in the grand scheme of things does it ?