Was I assaulted (long time ago) or was it my fault?

[Moomagoo]

NC. This incident has been playing on my mind for years and I need some help seeing it clearly.

When I was 25 I got into a brief relationship with a work colleague. Nice man, charming, funny. We just went on a few dates, nothing happened. One evening he rang and said he wanted to come over to my house, thought nothing of it and gave him my address. As soon as he arrived it was clear he wanted sex. He kept asking me to go upstairs with him and I kept saying no , but he picked me up bodily and carried me upstairs ( I vividly remember trying to hold on to the doorframe, I was physically struggling to get out of his arms). All the time he was laughing and joking like it was a game? I kind of froze and thought he’d listen to me as I thought he was genuinely messing about but of course he didn’t and had sex with me on my bed. I just lay there.

And here’s the bit I’m so angry and upset with myself over. I was so ashamed of myself and my behaviour (saying no) that I apologised for being so crap and let him sleep with me again later that evening.

I’m still so disgusted with myself for letting him have sex with me - the first time I had no control over, but the second I absolutely did. What the hell was I thinking? What kind of shit reaction did I have and does it mean I was at fault for the whole thing, I didn’t say ‘no’ strong enough? I hate myself because of this, it plays on my mind. I ask if I was assaulted because a big part of me knows it was my fault for being so bloody naive, and having piss-poor boundaries.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, part of me hopes people will understand but a bigger part expects people will say don’t be stupid, that wasn’t assault, get over yourself (and I don’t know why I feel like that).

Yes, it was assault, and I'm sorry you went through it.

It wasn't your job to say 'no' loudly enough, it was his job to listen for you to say 'yes'.

The second time wasn't rape in the traditional sense, because you consented at that point. If I had to guess it was to (in your mind) nullify the first assault, by allowing the second activity to happen.

I don't want to be a bossy boots, but I'd recommend getting some therapy for this, just to talk through your feelings, and try to give you tools and tactics to stop this assault that happened in your past, impacting your present so viciously.

You said yes the 2nd time to try and gain some control. To try and tell yourself you hadn't been raped the first time. A kind of attempt at a bandage.

Non of it was your fault.

I'm so sorry

I have never told a soul about this. It disgusts me - my behaviour more than his, which is probably the most effed-up thing about it. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone at all, I can’t believe I had the courage to just write it down to be honest! I cannot shake the self -loathing.

Yes, I'm sorry, you were raped. The second time maybe it was a way of you regaining control by saying yes to a situation that was out of your control. Be kind to yourself. It is common for abuse survivors to blame themselves , it's how these wankers get away with it

I'm so sorry and would tend to agree with the other posters about the second time likely being about you trying to take some control and enter into a bit of denial about the first time.

I cannot say strongly enough how understandable I think it is that people have all sorts of strange and, looking back on it, incomprehensible reactions to totally unexpected and shocking events. You have no template for these sorts of things and almost short-circuit as you try to make sense of and react to them based on the patterns and learned responses you are familiar with.

I know that all sounds a bit armchair psychologist but all I really mean is so, so many people look back on things like this and think, "why the HELL did I react like that?!"

It's not just you, you're not alone and I hope that you can process and really accept the fact that it's not your fault, and that your 'strange' reaction is actually quite a normal confused reaction of a decent person faced with an unprecedented situation.

Whatever you do or don't choose to do going forward for you.

does it mean I was at fault for the whole thing, I didn’t say ‘no’ strong enough?

Absolutely not. You froze, which is common. Fight, flight or freeze. Please don't hate or blame yourself, you were raped. Second time, your defences would have been down and you were likely suffering from shock. Please don't be hard on yourself.

None of it was your fault. You were naive, yes, but that's not your fault either. No one goes through life expecting someone to turn up and rape them in their home. There is no 'right' way for a victim to behave. Please be kind to yourself.