Sex

[Cardinals2019]

I am married for over 20 years and sex happens about 5 times a year. Currently on a six month drought. It is not me but her. Is this normal? If so, so be it. I just wanted some feedback.

What is normal? Some people do it 5 times a year, some 5 times a week, some 5 times a day, some never!

What's more important is open communication about it and reaching some sort of compromise where both partners are happy in the relationship.

I think it's all down to personal choice, there is no 'normal'. Have you talked it over with her at all?

Have you spoken with her about it?

Is she just plain knackered / ill / not happy?

OP what is your relationship like apart from sex?
Do you guys communicate about uncomfortable things?
Do you go on date nights?
Do you guys kiss and cuddle alot?

Best Wishes

You’ve got s choice here I think. Put up with this which is frankly ridiculous, you may as well be housemates, with such low levels of intimacy, or leave.

There’s a big old world out there and you only get one chance at it.

Similar position. My DW used to be incredibly sexually active. Made huge efforts to sexually gratify, and made me feel relaxed and open to discuss anything. Nothing has shifted or changed in our relationship. Both work; DW pt, three lovely teenagers, who are on a whole easy-going. The odd stress over the years has occurred, but wouldn’t it for anyone? For the past three years (just under) there has been no sexual contact at all. No touching, comments or flirtations. I have of course tried to discuss this, and the situation is always excused. This for me is deeper than the act itself. It’s about connection and feeling loved. I don’t quite know how to leave, but it is sadly that serious. I can’t go on feeling that I can’t be free to instigate anything, not can I expect anything to be instigated. I would simply rather be alone and know I’m not physically wanted, than pretend to the world that I have the perfect marriage. Holidays with the DC’s or just by ourselves make no difference. One final point, communication only works if two people are will to engage in it constructively. Besides, I don’t see what good that will be when an insatiable sexual appetite has dwindled into a desert of rejection. My DW goes out of her way to avoid me seeing her body, which upsets me. Occasionally stating that body confidence is the reason for our lack of passion. I have been understanding, but 3 years is a very long time. Surely she must realise how painful this is for me too? I love DW very much and on a whole we have a strong, healthy and positive relationship. So I feel rather pathetic to admit that this one small area is breaking me, and making me want to end it all. DW mid thirties, whereas I am on the cusp of forty.

If the communication about it has stopped/is being blocked, a third party can really help.

But there is no relationship in the world that has not changed over a long period. It may not be to do with you exactly, but it won't just be the sex.

So it's not 'let's go to couples counselling to sort out our sex life' it's 'I'm unhappy and I really need to understand what's going on.'

@Triptweeze - Sorry to hear about your position. Where do you plan on going from here in your relationship? I can see most people in relationships accept sexless marriage for one reason or another and carry on with resent and frustration which is not healthy and can come out in passive aggressive ways.

Statement :- I am going to carry on having sex, I rather it be with you but if you don't want to have it I will carry on and walk through OPEN DOORS. How do you argue with that logic. e.g. I only want you to talk to me BUT i dont want to talk to you and if you try I will make sure you feel rejected and give you the silent treatment.

I think its unfair whether it be a man or women in a relationship. Why should one feel bad for expressing their needs and desires just becoz the other person doesn't want it anymore due to self limiting beliefs.

is this always been the case? or is it just in recent years.

there could be a few factors such as self confidence, i know i have very low self confidence in how i look which makes me not want to be intimate. But every now and again the hubby says you are so beautiful and boom, he gets it haha.

maybe try and compliment her more, take an interest in how she feels.

I think what I am reading is that there is not a specific normal and each normal is different per couple. What I thought was abnormal is not necessarily the case. I will work on communication and hope that over time there will be changes.

It hasn’t always been like this. My DW has only gone off regular intimacy in recent years. She used to be very active with me. Sadly, she never talks about it and so let’s me suffer with the mental torture of feeling undesired. I could of course seek fulfilment elsewhere, but I love my wife and want her to desire me. I don’t suspect she is having an affair. I do know that I can’t go on being rejected, by someone who used to regularly go out of her way to sexually satisfy me. I used to feel free to express myself and enjoyed pleasing her. I just don’t think I can carry on without feeling such comfort, love and passion.

Talk to her about it.

How old are you both?

Quite normal. Consider yourself fortunate.

Sounds like death by 1000 paper cuts to me.