Fed up

[Appleberry28]

So don't know if I'm being a bit over dramatic, but just feel so fed up with my relationship right now.
Today I was going to a comedy show with dp and sister, booked months ago. I like to go to the odd music gig or comedy show and often dp doesn't want to go because he doesn't like band or comedian, totally fine by me. However I booked this months ago and he really wanted to go to this one as we both really like the comedian.
So I got back from work, cooked tea, getting ready, around 30mins before we were due to leave, I was talking to him and asked if he was looking forward to it... He said no, not really. Confused by this as he'd not said he didn't want to go any other time it was mentioned. Then he said he might not bother going. So I asked why and he basically said that he wasnt in the mood to go. So asked why and there was no reason just didn't fancy going.
Not impressed I have his friends round the house regularly and he goes places with his friends all the time. Not a problem for me usually, I'm happy for him to spend time with friends. However he would never cancel on them like this, he is spending increasing amounts of time playing online games and going out with them, some times he will just walk out of the room when we're watching TV together, I assume he has just gone to the bathroom, then I realise he's buggered off to play games with them, without saying a word.
I'm not crazy clingy but we don't go out together very often but he seems to be spending less time with me at home and then pulls this stunt tonight.
Ended up having an argument basically calling him selfish and telling him that I wouldn't do this to him, I've spent money on the tickets and how embarrassing it'll be when my sister asks where my dp is when she comes to pick me up, we live together and he was effectively standing me up. He offers to pay for the wasted ticket, like that is the main issue
He begrudging decides to come, but damage had been done and I was in a horrible mood, put a downer on the whole night, I've had a shit week at work and was really looking forward to this and he can't understand why I'm still mad. Like he's forced himself to go and I should be greatful or something argh!

Honestly, it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. Leaving the room without a word to go play games online with his mates? That's just shit (not to mention rude.)

I think its deliberate; a test to see how you react, a subtle form of bullying.
I'm a cynical sort though.

OP is this a regular occurance ?
How long have you guys been together and how is the relationship on the whole from your prespective?

No that’s not on. Agree he’s checked out. I would be having a serious think about your future as a couple.

What's wrong with changing his mind about going, or just not feeling in the mood to want to do something after all, they've come home feeling a bit tired after work or whatever? Grown adults are allowed to do this, they're not children who have no say in something.

I really don't understand why it would be embarrassing to tell your sister why your DP isn't with you. People socialising without their other halves unless they are Howard and Hilda is perfectly normal. Just say he changed his mind. Or say he was feeling a bit under the weather. Presumably if he was actually ill and unable to go, you'd not feel embarrassed he didn't show up?

I have several social groups, some singles but mostly couples, and we'll make collective plans to do something and sometimes one of a couple doesn't come. Sometimes they've had the aforementioned tiring day at work. We don't feel embarrassed for their spouse.

I don't think this not going out with you tonight is a big deal at all by itself and wouldn't piss me off. The online gaming thing, however, would.

I would agree with Shatner to some extent but in this case there may be underlying issues. The main one is obvious he is checking out or at least becoming complacent. Relationships need work and effort and sometimes you need to do stuff for the sake of the partnership. You shouldn’t do this friends either.

My other concern would be how much he is gaming. Has he become addicted. That would overwhelm his desire to do other stuff

You need a conversation that is open and honest. Tell him your expectations. But remember neither of you have to stay in this relationship and personally I wouldn’t with someone who games as an adult in their spare time. It’s too antisocial

shatnerswig- I have no issue with socialising separately, but it is the fact he never cancels anything with his friends, this is the first night out for a while and he basically cancels on me minutes before leaving, no warning, no chance to get someone else to go. I'm happy for him to spend time with friends, but I shouldn't be treated worse than them. I was geared up for making up some excuse to my sister saying he was ill or something, because it is embarrassing if I had to say he just couldn't be arsed to. My problem is that he wasn't tired, he wasnt ill, its something he asked me to book.
What if I didn't have my sister to go with, would he have expected me to go on my own?
I am not a person who thinks their partner should be attached to them 24hours a day, but I do think if you arrange to do something together, then you should follow through. I could understand if he'd been saying how exhausted he was from work or he didn't feel very well. But if you just think I'd rather sit at home and play games or watch TV than spend a night out with your partner after youve already agreed it is something you would like to do.... How little does that person mean to you.
We've been together 8 years. He just expected me to be back to normal when we got home last night, couldn't understand why I was still annoyed. He treated the night out as a chore, it ruined my night which would have been enjoyable if he hadn't done this or if he just didn't ask to go in the first place.

He's checking out.
He's addicted to gaming.
He's not putting in any effort.
What is the living situation?
Do you want to continue with this relationship?
Is it going anywhere?

We live in my house.
I do love him but I don't like being made to feel like I'm an effort to be with. I'm not high maintainance, but wanting to spend some time together should surely come naturally.
I just feel like I'm putting in a lot more effort at the moment, I do the heaviest share of house chores, we both work full time, I have a more stressful job, so I earn more. He pays towards bills but not the mortgage as it is my house, so he actually ends up with more spare cash each month than me, doesn't usually bother me until he is fine to just not want to go to something that cost me £40 to book his ticket for. If we go anywhere I have to drive as he doesn't, if we have his family over I cook. If I invite him out with mine, he very rarely comes.
Sometimes I feel like it's all just taken for granted and he has come to expect certain things and doesn't feel like he has any get up and go. Sometimes it feels like I'm living with a teenager
I don't know what to do.
He hasn't been a horrible person, he's never abused me or cheated. But he is just so damn frustrating at the moment to live with and last night really annoyed me

He’s rude and lazy and taking you for granted. Zero effort. Of course he’s allowed to change his mind but if he cared about you and your feelings, he would have made the effort to go to the gig as you’d put effort into organising it and he should care about your feelings on that. I had a friend exactly like your DP. His GF eventually left him because he just couldn’t be arsed to make her feel wanted/valued/loved. She found somebody who did. Can you really be bothered to live like this forever? Go find yourself somebody who wants to go to a gig with you, not because he likes the band but because he wants to spend time with you.

The benchmark for a solid relationship isn’t that he hasn’t abused or cheated.

A good relationship makes your life better. He is just making it more difficult and complicated. He is also damaging your self esteem. It shouldn’t be this way. Stop saying you love him and start thinking about what you deserve