A good friend of mine, let’s call her Zelda (not her real name), has been married for 8-ish years. Around 5 years ago she had an affair with a colleague - let’s call him Xavier. They were serious and planned a future together, and Zelda even broke up with her husband. When she did that, Xavier dropped her immediately. Zelda’s husband took her back. (Before you feel too sorry for him, bear in mind that he was married when he met Zelda, he had an affair with her, and he only left his wife after she found out and confronted him.)
Since Xavier ended the affair, he has been a bit of a shit: it seems that he wants to keep Zelda dangling. He goes through cycles of bombarding her with messages, showing that he cares, and as soon as she grows attached to him again, he drops her and ignores her. Zelda is quite emotionally fragile and suffers from depression and anxiety, and of course this stupid thing with Xavier does not help at all. Xavier is basically a pathetic manchild - he is in his 40s but lives with his parents, he occasionally has girlfriends but nothing serious, and he contacts Zelda even when he is in a relationship with someone else.
I have told Zelda not to believe Xavier when he says he cares - all he wants is to get her attention so his ego can get a massage. I have told her that the only way this is going to stop is if she completely ignores him and does not respond to him at all. I have urged her to apply for jobs elsewhere so she does not have to encounter him regularly. She kind of agrees with all of this but she is still obviously attached to him and - at least on some level - believes him when he says he cares. She is really, really not helping herself.
I have also urged Zelda to consider whether she really wants to stay in her marriage. She hardly ever talks about her husband (who I’ve never met) but it seems obvious that she is not happy in her marriage, otherwise she would not be looking elsewhere. She is stuck in a limbo: I think she can only move on from Xavier if she finds happiness with someone else, but that’s not going to happen when she insists on staying in an unfulfilling marriage. I’ve tried telling Zelda all this, but she sort of blanks me - she won’t discuss it, and when I once sent her a long email about this, she didn’t talk to me for a few months. While I consider Zelda a good friend, most of our communication is by email because we live far from each other - so I’ve never actually spoken to her about her husband face to face.
There is an obvious point which I have never mentioned to Zelda: the fact that she is not treating her husband fairly. I don’t mention it because she struggles so hard to remain positive, and she fairly easily slides into feeling depressed and anxious. I don’t want to make her feel worse.
What advice would you give Zelda if she was your friend? Bear in mind I care about her deeply and so dropping a potentially hurtful truth bomb (like, you’re being unfair to your husband) is not an option.