Advice on coping with a grumpy DH

[Stormyisland]

We've been married for 12 years with three young kids. I've had this nagging feeling for almost 10 years that he might not be the right person for me. I've tried leaving once but he begged me to stay and made massive changes and has managed stick with them. However my feelings haven't changed.

I've had depression for over a year now. Last few months this has been so bad I had to be in hospital for a bit. I obsess about suicide and when I start thinking about why my life feels so unbearable my thoughts always come back to our marriage. He is perfect in theory and there is nothing bad enough for me to want to leave. But I feel suffocated. He gets grumpy with the kids but then I can't handle people even raising their voices and know I'm overly soft with the kids and over sensitive. I'm the person that other people's kids say they wish was their mum because I do silly crazy spontaneous things and play loads with my kids and am patient, don't mind mess and chaos and am rubbish at saying no to them (am probably a nightmare to co-parent with). My husband is the opposite of me. He has the first lot of washing in the machine and breakfast made before I'm out of the bed. He's mega organised. He works part time and on his home days house is tidy, kids clean and they've had healthy meals etc. But he's there yelling at them and looking super tense. He's especially strict with our daughter and often unfairly so. I'm spontaneous, outgoing, passionate about lots of stuff and adore animals. He loves routines, is shy, doesn't have many interests or friends and would never have any pets. I'd kill to have a dog. He hates dogs. I'd rather leave the dishes for the next day and spend hours with an art project or building a den with the kids. He'd rather kids entertained themselves while he tidies the house.

I think I'd be happier on my own but am not strong enough to leave. I'm just too scared of his reaction and the upset as I know he totally adores me. But whilst I'm trying to recover from depression, to find myself and get on my feet again and see if our marriage can be strengthened I need to figure out how to cope with his grumpiness. When he's unfairly having a go at our daughter. Or freaks out when kids are given sweets and takes away anything that exceeds five sweets. Or shouts at them for fighting. Or looks tense and grumpy all day because he's tired. How will I learn to cope with this? Do I leave the room? Tell him I don't like whatever he's doing? - this normally becomes an argument. Any tips would be appreciated. any people here with great relationship/communication skills?

If he actually adores you, would he not want to compromise and make sure you get to do things your way sometimes too?

Surely he is worried about your depression. Presumably he can understand that kids need to be played with and do things, as well as needing healthy meals and a clean home. It sounds like you are very different in style and that you don't think he's any fun; he might think you are messy, irresponsible.

What happens when you try to just talk to him, telling him what you have said here? does he listen? Shut you down? Grump off and sulk?

All relationships have some differences and some conflict. It's how you handle that conflict that really matters. If he is willing to listen and adapt maybe you can meet in the middle. If he is just grumpy at you and shouts at the kids then maybe not. Counselling?

Thanks for replying.
He does try to compromise so that I get my way too. Certain things he won't compromise on (doesn't want pets) and kids diet (strict with sugar). He'll sometimes try to be a bit more relaxed about housework but then just becomes increasingly grumpy until he totally explodes and turns out he's just been feeling resentful because of the mess.

He does massively worry about my depression and is currently not asking more off me. Ironically I'm keeping the house spotless though since cleaning is the only thing keeping me distracted from suicidal thoughts. And yes we have got very different styles. I wish he had interests and friends of his own so he wouldn't be so emotionally dependent on me. I'd like some space and time of my own and would like him to do the same. He says he's happy just being around me and the kids and doesn't need anything more. He does play with the kids and spends time with them. Just not as much as me as the kids want me all the time while with him they let him get on with the housework and other things between playing.

He does listen when I tell him how I feel and what I think. Sometimes he's defensive at first and it becomes an argument. He'll then calm down, apologise and try to understand my point of view. He never sulks and he doesn't shut me down. He can feel quite aggressive in these conversations but this might just be my sensitivity. He's never physically aggressive and doesn't call me names etc. Just sort of aggressive facial expressions and the way he talks to me can feel like an attack if I try to tell him I'm unhappy about anything. He is willing to listen and wants to change but seems to be unable to. I think the thing that gets to me the most is his relationship with DD. He's always been so hard on her. It's just so constant. For example he was looking at our shoes today and said ds has only got one pair of shoes apart from school and pe shoes. I told him DD had ONLY school and pe shoes and that we should go and buy her a couple of new pairs tomorrow. If it was about either of the ds.s he'd just say omg how come we haven't noticed let's sort it out. But because it's DD he just grumpily said it was her fault she didn't have any shoes because she's impossible to buy shoes for (she finds most shoes uncomfortable but still needs to have them!!!). It just feels like everything is always a no and he can only see all the negative things in what dd does.

We tried counseling last year but a couple of months in my depression got so bad that we had to spend the money on my therapy instead (wish I'd never spent that 2k, I'm more unwell than ever).

He's definitely not the clean one, but my dp is grumpy and picks on the kids when he is. He's not physically agressive and he doesn't call me names or anything but his tone of voice and the look on his face when his angry is really agressive and sometimes scary. I just freeze when he's like that. I can't deal with it. My anxiety is bad at the moment, but it's so much better when he's not around. I hope someone else can give you the advice your after.

OP sorry to hear what your going through and especially depression. I have personally never suffered from it but tried my best to understand it. Please write a letter to your partner detailing your concerns and keep it simple and direct without blaming or making yourself out a victim in it, i hope you understand what I mean by this. Leave the letter for him to read when your away from him for a few hours so he can read and digest it before acting on it. See how he comes back to you or even request him to write back to you. Most times its easy for us to write then to communicate face 2 face as we are not looking at other person face expressions and it also gives us a chance to pay full attention to our own thoughts.

You need a break and you need to get away, on your own for a few days.
Check out a decent, affordable hotel or mini-break that suits your budget and interests and just go.
Tell DH that you need some alone time and some thinking time. Tell him your needs are not being met and you need time to gather your thoughts and work out where to go from here.
Tell him you'll be switching your phone off and just do it.
Hopefully, you'll gain some clarity; but either way, you'll get a much needed rest away from it all for a time.

I'd be careful about going away alone if you are at risk of suicidal thoughts. Being alone can just give you time to develop those really nicely. Good idea to get away - but maybe to a relative's place or something?

Are you on medication for the depression? If so, do you think you might need to change medication?

The depression could certainly be (entirely or in part) due to your family life. But in my experience, sometimes when you are depressed, you don't know why, and when you look round and find a possible cause, you assume it's that - when in fact it may be something totally different, such as a biological imbalance of some kind. You may be better at working out cause and effect than me! But it can be really hard to work out what is going on.

Or shouts at them for fighting. Or looks tense and grumpy all day because he's tired. How will I learn to cope with this? Do I leave the room? Tell him I don't like whatever he's doing?
Sounds as if you both have trouble coping with each other's behaviour. When he doesn't like something you do, he gets grumpy rather than discussing it properly. How would you like him to talk to you, if you are doing something he is not keen on? If he left the room or said he didn't like it, how would you feel? What would you rather he did in that situation?

@DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 your DHs behaviour sounds similar to mine. I think the problem is with different communication styles and experiences too. My mum used to get angry in a similar way to DH except that her anger got out of control and she could throw stuff or grab us hard or just leave the house. I was always terrified of her anger and that's why I still can't handle even the early signs of someone beginning to get angry.

@ascertainer thanks for the suggestion. A letter is actually a great idea. We used to have a long distance relationship and wrote each other long emails. Can't see why it wouldn't still work.

@Pallasathena going away on my own is a great idea but like @ravenmum said it would be risky at the moment. I'm still under a crisis team who check on me daily and the suicidal thoughts are still quite intense at times. A hotel room on my own would probably be too tempting. But once (if) I get a bit better I think it's a great idea. My hospital admission worked a bit like that too. I was in a safe place and had lots of time to think about what I wanted. I wouldn't have wanted to go back home tbh (this makes me feel like such a bad person) if the ward wasn't such an unpleasant environment (like a hotel but with someone constantly screaming, crying, throwing furniture around etc).

@ravenmum I've been on few different antidepressants. This latest one was only started on the ward a couple of weeks ago so it's early days and there's still a bit of room for an increase. I've got a great psychiatrist and cpn though so just trying to listen to their advice. My psychiatrist was saying this relationship issue could seem bigger because of my depression and that it's impossible to say how significant it is until I'm better. And yes it is a problem with communication. He worries about telling me when something annoys me because I get upset or defensive (when he does tell me it's annoyed him for weeks, he becomes aggressive about it and it's hard to discuss). So he then doesn't tell me about things that bother him, bottles it up and then explodes. And he struggles with the HOW as well. I've told him a million times that if he asks me to do something with a friendly tone it won't be a problem at all. But if he's tone is hostile and aggressive I'm unlikely to respond well to even a request that could be totally reasonable. I just wish he would use a kind, friendly tone even when I'm doing something he doesn't like. And would communicate his needs in a clear and grownup way without puzzles or sarcasm or aggression. I suppose he would probably want the same from me. Thanks for pointing it out.