Cant Cope - (Includes termination)

[ThisIsTheFirstDay]

Hi,

I've posted on here before and received some brilliant advice and stories from people who have been through similar.

I dont want to go into too many details but my relationship ended a long time ago. However, we were in contact on and off. I fell pregnant and in May I made the decision to have a termination, less than one week after I found out. My ex was unsupportive - i have told nobody in real life (aside from my therapist)

For the past 5 weeks I have been having therapy/counselling. The relationship was extremely abusive.

I havent seen or spoken to him now for 2.5 weeks. I have messaged him a few times, whether he gets the messages or he has blocked me I do not know.

I feel empty. I am stuck in a hole right now and I cant get myself out. I miss him so much. I regret my decision to abort the baby. I think about it every second of everyday. I have vivid dreams every night and wake up distraught. I struggle to see pregnant women, new born babies etc.

I am in a mess. I am sorry for the disjointed post. I do speak about the abuse, relationship, abortion etc in my therapy but nothing helps. I'm in my early-mid 20s but I already feel like my life is over.

I dont know what I'm asking, theres nothing anyone can do or say. I'm just really, really struggling and anything would be appreciated.

Thank you.

You won't always feel like this. It hasn't been long - just keep getting through each day, and it'll start getting easier.

Are you on any medication?

Have you had any support from domestic abuse services/charities?

I’m sorry you’ve been through such a horrible time of things.

For your own sanity block him. The more you keep messaging him - even if he doesn’t reply- you’re not giving yourself a fair chance to move on. You have to pretend as if he doesn’t exist.

Things will get better, I know it doesn’t seem that way now but in your early 20s you really are at the start of your life and you can do anything you want to. Could you get a part time evening job in a bar or hotel to keep yourself busy and meet some new people? (That’s what I did when I went through an awful divorce in my mid 20s, I still kept my 9-5 job as well but I was desperate to keep myself busy)!

You are SO young. You have virtually all your life ahead and have learned a hard lesson. Some people are fucking shit. You met one, you've left him. Lick your wounds, heal, learn about yourself. Develop. Forget him. Do not ever contact him again. That's it really.

I have tried womens aid, the freedom project but didnt stick with it for a few reasons. I keep telling myself that I'll do the online course but I cant find the motivation to do this at the minute. That is top of my to do list.

I'm not on any medication.
I dont know whether I'm feeling a bit depressed or whether I'm just feeling low due to my social circumstances.

Volunteering could be possible, my job keeps me busy and I do have 2 hobbies that are time consuming on an evening so I couldn't commit to a second job. I dont sit around moping, I make sure I'm busy as much as possible but the inevitable crash comes nightly. I will look more into volunteering, thank you.

Thanks. I feel like one thing I could deal with. It just seems too much right now, the termination which I regret, how abusive he was (emotionally, physically, psychologically), the end of the 3+ relationship, having to move out, him playing with my head for far too long, keeping it all to myself, an intense job etc. I feel like I cant handle it.

I dont have motivation to do anything. I cant watch even my favourite TV programme, I have no concentration. I'm spending hundreds on therapy and I think it will help in the long term but in the short term I'm drowning. But i am trying, i am out and about as much as possible with my family/friends but that doesnt dim the feeling at the moment.

Does anyone know if they send you anything through the post when completing the freedom project online?

It asks for billing and delivery address. I dont want anything sent and would prefer to just complete it online.

I'd consider trying medication, just to tide you over - situational depression can be helped with anti-depressants. Counselling is helpful but it can also be quite rigorous and make you feel worse in the short-term, so I'd take a two-pronged approach.

Thank you. It sounds ridiculous but I feel quite scared to take medication. I know this is common. I also feel nervous to go to the GP and to make this 'real.' It is something I will consider though, definitely.

MN doesn’t do hugs but sending you a big, squashy hug anyway.

I got all my therapy via the nhs or other free sources - and eventually, it worked.

There’s a book, Mind Over Mood, that might help.

I have a strong feeling that you will come through this and go on to be very happy. If it isn’t too scary, try letting go, not trying to fight it all the time, giving yourself permission to feel unmotivated and get nothing done, some of the time.

Hug gratefully recieved, havent had a hug throughout all of this! And I'm not even a hugger haha.

Thank you. I will have a look at the book. I work for the NHS and despite all the confidentiality etc I would feel uncomfortable to go down this route. I am happy to pay for now though and I'll maybe look into a referral via occie health too.

I dont know how to let go.
I am scared that if I dont distract myself the hours that I'm not sleeping then I'll feel even worse than I do now.

It feels so unfair. I am dealing with all of this and that abusive arsehole has left unscathed and hes landed on his feet once again.

I just wish that I could go back in time and keep the baby. When I made that decision I wasnt thinking of me. I dont know how to get over that, or what I've done.

Oh love .

In time you'll come to terms with it. Your ex really wasn't the person to be tied to for life through a child.

But I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

Thank you.
I know, I could never have done that to an innocent child, no child would ever deserve him as a father.
Now I just feel that there are so many other options I could have chosen.

It's just when it comes down to it, I didnt terminate because I didnt want the baby or I wouldnt have loved the baby and done everything I could to be the best mum. And in the dark moments it seems like nothing else would have mattered and when the baby arrived everything would be whole. (The baby, me and my family - I'm not including him in this)