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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i overreacting

27 replies

tpyn1990 · 06/06/2019 15:53

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been taking cocaine and owed the person he gets it from £1000 we had to get a loan out for him to pay it and he said he owed nothing more and it took a lot for me to forgive him, then 3 months later I found out he'd been doing it again and after hearing his sob stories and how he wont do it again because he cant lose us, we some how managed to get through it. I still have my doubts that he is clean and question his behaviour when he doesn't seem right and other than my gut instinct which has been right in the past I have no way to prove it and it wasn't easy getting him to admit it before. Today he has told me he owes the same person another £700 apparently from previously and his mum has had to bail him out. I am furious with him for putting us in this situation again after him promising me it was done with, and I cant bring myself to even talk to him as I feel like he has betrayed me again and I cant help but expect it to happen again in the future. I know I should have trust in him but when he has broken that trust so many times in the past its difficult, and although he says the money is owed from previously I cant help but think my gut has been right recently and it is a new debt he has bought upon himself. But am I over reacting should I just thank him for being partially honest and help him past it and move on what would you do??

OP posts:
Lovethetimeyouhave · 06/06/2019 15:59

I dont know him, but even I would think it was recent, why now after all this time and other debts would it come up?

Windmillwhirl · 06/06/2019 16:01

Why should you bVe trust in him?

He has lied and lied. If he is addicted it 8s Very unlikely he can just give up.

He may not even want to give it up.

Bottom line is he didn't keep his end of the bargain. He said he'd quit and you gave him a second chance.

Don't be a mug.

Original poster
tpyn1990 · 06/06/2019 16:03

That's what im wondering he reckons he didn't want to upset me before by telling me it wasn't all paid but he has said all these months he owes nothing else so why does he now im going to keep pushing him to see if he admits its more recently

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/06/2019 16:04

No you are NOT over-reacting.
Coke heads are the worst kind of addicts.
Do you have DC together?
He's an addict.
You cannot change him.
You cannot save him.
He'd be kicked out pronto if it was me.
But then I wouldn't have forgiven him the 1st time.
You should NOT trust him.
He is untrustworthy.
No trust = No relationship.
This is down to him - NOT YOU!

Original poster
tpyn1990 · 06/06/2019 16:11

we have 3 kids and we have been through so much crap in the past I don't know how we are still together he denies being addicted and has talked me and his mum into believing him. His excuse is that he gets stressed at work and tries to tell me its more popular than smoking weed as if hes trying to justify being a complete d**k.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 06/06/2019 16:16

He owed a drug dealer nearly 2k. Of course he's addicted.

joystir59 · 06/06/2019 16:21

LTB for the sake of your mental health and for the sake of your children addicts are only loyal to their substance of choice.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:24

we have been through so much crap in the past I don't know how we are still together

Do you actually mean - he's done so much crap to you in the past, you don't know how you're together?

HappyintheHills · 06/06/2019 16:25

Surely a dealer would only give that sort of credit for a very good customer.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/06/2019 16:30

Just on what he owes he's had around 50 grams of coke at £40 a pop!
He IS an addict.
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
It's that simple.
Get your DC away from this man. He's a terrible role model for them.
Weed is not much better either!
Some people can handle it, others cannot!

HeyAl · 06/06/2019 16:31

Darling, he is an addict and he may never admit it and he may never get help. I have lived a very similar experience and it took a heart attack at 39 for my husband to even start to get clean from his addiction (I'd been nagging for years and then being fobbed off just like you - he functioned, he was fine, everyone does it etc etc). his recovery required an expensive stint in rehab (cos the NHS and support agencies are not amazing) and a year of pain as the early stages of recovery are so hard. If he is in denial, despite the damage he is doing, I can only recommend the following.
You will not change him. Only he can do that.
He will lie to you and minimise what his happening. He will make you feel bad and as if you are 'overreacting'. This will happen over and over and over again. He will believe that he doesn't have a problem. If you choose to stay and support him and believe his chat that this is not a problem then you become an enabler and the relationship is codependent and, in my experience, bloody awful.
Please get yourself to an Al-anon meeting or read their literature. There may be an equivalent support group for friends and family of narcotics abusers too.
I understand how hard this is. I understand how he will talk you round and that you love him. But I also understand that only you can decide to do anything, and you can't do anything with him, only you. You are not overreacting, this is real but most importantly this is your life, and you are allowed to be happy without this nonsense and trauma. That's a choice you may have to make. Sending you all the love.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:32

Wtf is a father of 3 doing taking coke?!

He stressed in work - yeah, lots if people are. Do you see all of them taking coke and running up huge bills with drug dealers when they've got a family to provide for.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:34

Over reacting?

Given that you haven't a. Murdered him or b. Started divorcing him already, I'd say you're under reacting.

Original poster
tpyn1990 · 06/06/2019 16:35

Yes exactly I'm always somehow made out to be the one causing unnecessary pain and that breaking up our family would be on me

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:38

tries to tell me its more popular than smoking weed

He shouldn't be smoking weed as a working father if 3 kids either.

But in any case there's a reason coke is considered more addictive and harmful than weed.

He's also contributing to the coke trade that decimates people's lives all over the source countries.

HJWT · 06/06/2019 16:38

@tpyn1990 cocaine is very addictive, my DH did it for MANY years (before me & DC)and still to this day cant even look at the stuff cause it sends him funny! You can

HJWT · 06/06/2019 16:39

Easily spend £200-300 a night on coke x

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:42

I'm always somehow made out to be the one causing unnecessary pain and that breaking up our family would be on me

Reminds me of when cheating husbands tell their devastated wives that if they separate, they'll be breaking up the family etc.
Nah you did that all on your own mate.

His behaviour is outrageous - and if you separate from him; you're justified and he's the one who's broken up your family.

Holdthedamndoor · 06/06/2019 16:42

So you are breaking up the family?

Not the coke head who owe dangerous people money?

Not the one who will end up with drug dealers on his door step, probably threatening the kids

You dh is still using. He didnt only oat half his debt. He paid his debt and ran it up again. Which will do again. When he cant pay them back, they will come to your door. Your kids door

Lozzerbmc · 06/06/2019 16:43

Over reacting I think not. I’m sorry but I think you are better off without him he will pull you down and I think you and DCs deserve better.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 16:44

I don't know if I want to know op, but for the sake of the full picture; what has he done in the past that you referred to?

Original poster
tpyn1990 · 06/06/2019 16:55

Trying to cheat on me with my brothers then gf, making appointments to meet up with prostitutes,Constantly taking out payday loans even in my name which I believe was to pay for his habit. When we first met he was an alcoholic so I dont know why anything surprises me

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 17:07

I had a feeling it was going to be bad.

That isn't stuff you've 'been through' together - that's shit he's done to you.

And all of it is really fkg bad, worth ending the relationship over. That's 3 things (not including the alcoholism, which he didn't do to you but was a red flag too). All of which you should've gotten rid of him over, and now this.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/06/2019 17:09

No offence but over reacting is not your problem, under reacting is.

Windmillwhirl · 06/06/2019 17:28

Let him say what he likes about you breaking up the family. I think coke addict and in debt to a dealer trumps anything you have done.