Struggling to break out of my marriage and retain my dignity

[Musteringupthestrength]

Hello,

I've been on mumsnet before under different usernames. It was all about my volatile relationship with my husband (who I've been with on and off for 12 years). It's a long story that I don't really want to get in to again. I spent so much of my time analysing him etc. and now I'm reading Codependent No More and so much of it rings true.

I've been for lots of therapy and self-knowledge isn't really the issue.

The issue is we've finally agreed to split but I don't do break-ups well. Even though I know it's the right thing and believe me, I know logically it's the right thing, I get so emotional and feel so abandoned that I beg the person to take me back. I lose all dignity in break-ups. I don't want to just replay past break-ups but I can feel the acute pain coming back. I'm in work and I had to run in to the loo to bawl crying as it has hit me.

I'm 40, so he was my chance at children and maybe even companionship. We're only married 2 years. I feel totally heartbroken and I'm losing perspective.

Any tips for staying strong other than counselling? I'm all counselled out. I just really don't want to lose myself and my dignity in this break-up, as I've done so many times in the past. I don't want to beg him to take me back when he has treated me badly at times. I feel like a lost lonely child again and I hate when this happens. I'm quite competent in other areas of my life.

Anyone been in this situation? How did you get through it?

I don't know where I'm going to live. I live somewhere close to his work and family.

All kind words or advice gratefully accepted.

Oh gosh, that sounds really tough, sorry you are going through it.

I'm no expert, so my thoughts would be:
Have you written/could you write a letter to yourself from your unconditionally compassionate self/friend/carer that reminds you when you are feeling low, of all the reasons you have to be optimistic, all the aspects of you which are great and give you strength and which you will be able to let flourish when you are free?
Can you write down the things you're mourning/going to miss about him, and generally about being in a relationship which might make you wobble? I found it helpful to remind myself that I didn't miss him, I missed the sex/a cuddle/having someone to talk to about my day etc.
Have you written down the things you're looking forward to doing without him? New/old hobbies, places you love that he doesn't, food you like that he doesn't, etc?
Map out things that give you a sense of self and achievement/satisfaction independently of him? Things that give you support/comfort - music, a bath,
People - your sources of support - friends, family, colleagues?
I guess you're building a new life, rediscovering yourself and mourning the life/relationship you had and thought you had. It's not a straight line from here, so cut yourself some slack but avoid the things that are likely to derail you - I assume you are going NC?
Good luck.

Thank you for the advice. I will do that. We are still living together and have so many practical matters to sort out that NC won't be possible for a few months.

It just feels like it'd be the easiest thing in the world to go back on the decision. This has been a long road and I've been single. I know the grass isn't always greener...I told H that either things change drastically or we break up. He eventually agreed we should break up but we're both really struggling with that decision. It hurts that he'd rather break up than treat me better.