Examples of custody sharing that are working for your kids please?

[tryingabitharder]

Hi all,

I am leaving my OH, and we are in the murk of limbo with starting to think about mediation and how we get from two households to one.

We have v similar priorities but coming at it from v different angles, I think, and communication is totally fucked already. I need to engage a lawyer anyway.

There are so many potential scenarios and I can't concentrate on anything for chewing them over in my mind, and I am afraid of alienating my friends if I can't talk about anything else, so hoping some of you are in / have been in a similar boat and I won't be so alone.

We have a big house now that we have recently renovated. Two kids, both in school. When I said I wanted to leave the marriage originally I said I didn't want to stay in that house any more (too personal) but if he did that was ok. I don't think we can afford it though and am now minded to divorce and go for clean break.

Where custody sharing comes into this is in working out the financial splits, my potential for working, logisitics of where we each need to live, etc.

I'd love to get as close to 50/50 as possible, they adore their dad and I grew up without one, so I want to preserve the relationship. His corporate job currently means I do 100% of school runs and holidays. I have given up my financial freedom over the past decade, fucking regret that now. Anyway.

Please hit me with your creative and marvellous ways to split childcare beyond EOW and some nights in the week here and there.

I'd especially love to hear from anyone who manages a good split but at a long distance, as I have a mid - long term desire to move closer to my family for house price and childcare reasons!

Thanks.

Mine is:

Tues from pick up - Me
Weds - Me
Thurs - Me
Fri - Me
Sat until 6pm - Me

Sat eve - XH
Sun -XH
Mon - XH
School drop off on Tues am

The dcs (6&10 at the time) chose this themselves. I take DS to football in a Sunday am but otherwise it's rigid and minimises handovers and contact between us (he was very abusive). I've had to be very wilful and strong not to let his behaviour towards me impact on their relationship and it has worked out well for everyone as the emotional fallout on the dcs has been minimised.

(He doesn't and hasn't paid me a penny though and I've had to take the financial hit as a means of stopping any chance of continued abuse).

Me and my ex share care, about 60% with me and 40% with him although as my eldest finishes and starts school at different time (we live abroad, he's 11, very random hours) and I live close to their school, he is around on his dad days too.

Basically they are with me Monday/Tues/Wed night then he picks them up on a Thursday afternoon, and we alternate weekends. It means one week they are with me 5 and him 2, next week me 4 and him 3. During the holidays we have to be a bit more flexible depending on work schedules.

It works well most of the time, but ex is a twat and will always be one, regardless of the arrangements.

When exh & I first split he had ds EOW & 2 nights each week from school & returned home to me after tea, this graduated to him having ds fromThurday to Sunday alternate weeks, then as ds got older he went every weekend to dad's but dropped the teatime visits during the week. He has just spent a few months living with his dad, totally his own choice, he is 15 now & has now decided he wants to come back home to me as I live nearer school so he can walk instead of a 2 bus journey that with bus timings takes over 2 hours. We don't use the court order at all now, I've always had to do parents evenings, doctors, dentists, new clothes & shoes, haircuts etc as his dad has no idea, I handle all finances for ds, even when he lived with his dad as his dad is useless with money. The further you get from the court order the better, treat it as a starting point & move on as you both agree & involve your children in what they want to happen.

Dc with me from teatime Mondays to Friday night, after our end of the week feast I drop dc to their dad. He has them until Monday evening and drops them home fed and watered. To be honest this works really well as dc were involved with deciding days. As I have every weekend child-free I got a better paid job that includes working weekends, and gives me opportunities to go out in the evenings if I want. This work pattern also gives me 2 days off in the week so after school we can go to the cinema/out for pizza/etc. Dc like having a bedroom at each house and we live only a few minutes drive apart.
If either of us need to change the odd day now and again its never an issue as we work better as parents to put dc first.
Odd really cos when we lived together he really did the bare minimum of parenting and still thought he was dad of the year. But, no matter how much he has improved he still doesnt do dentist/docs or any boring admin stuff.

I don’t think it is bitter to say, as Pics does, that dads should be hands on 50/50 before the relationship breaks down. Not least because that will be the arrangements the children then expect, and the best interests of the child are probably best met by consistency.

I mean, if you have small children and a dad who does 5% of the care, you cannot simply assume that the DC will cope with 50/50. It may have to be built up over time to avoid distress and to allow DC time to adapt. At the end of the day, the decisions need to be based on what is best for DC, which includes keeping routine, consistency and possibly not too much change.

Of course, it depends on the age and temperament of the children as well. So what MisplacedDad said upthread is really the ideal - he and his ex took the DC wishes into account. It is more difficult to do that when DC are small and you have to go on behavioural cues.

I think what I am saying is that yes, the interests of the children are paramount, but what works best will therefore also depend on the children. What works for one DC might not work for another. Only you know your own DC and whatever you and your husband come up with, the DC are the ones it has to suit.

We do:
Sun night / Mon night / Tues night - exH
Weds night /Thurs night /Fri night - me.

We alternate weekends - if it's his turn he picks them up on Saturday morning.

We both work part time so this works for us. However I pay for most things.

Wow, so many really helpful responses, thank you all so much, I genuinely appreciate it. So much other shit has been going on at the same time (bereavements etc) that I have really struggled to get any clarity, and my MH has taken a bit of a battering.

I am definitely going to find a lawyer, I have no plan to be mercenary at all but I know I need to look after my finances for the sake of the lifestyle it gives the kids. We agreed to find a mediation person, is it best to talk a lawyer before that? Don't want to waste time / money coming up with something that is crappy for me in meditation but also don't want him to be ambushed by me.

Sorting how best to share residency is key because imo we should have a similar standard of housing and the DC have two proper homes. I don't want to be in this big house with him in a flat paying for it all. It wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't take long for him to get pissed off. Plus, I think staying in the family home but minus one parent might be worse for kids than having two new places? Love to hear views / experiences on that too. I think he is mainly trying to swerve having to sort and split the 'stuff' we have accumulated in over 20 years.

He has been crap at being around until now as a dad. DS2 was in hospital a lot as a baby and I always had to deal with it all on my own. He's always worked super long hours, I don't think he needed to but then pre kids I used to stay at work cos I liked my job more than my life at home. Wish I'd properly noticed that before kids but hey ho.

Since I told him we're done, he's noticeably stepped up as a dad and around the house. It's too little too late for me, but the kids are going to get a better dad out of this, and I know that not seeing them every night is going to be heartbreaking for him because he told me. He has a pretty senior job so hopefully he can flex a bit too, I think the regular days thing might work well.

I also want to earn more, so whatever pattern we come up with I need to be able to work proper working days (not the 10-2 around school then start again at 9pm shite I do now) at least part of the time.

Ugh. All this scenario planning is really to decide if the house should be sold or we should try to wing it with keeping it. I favour the first, he favours the latter. I want a divorce, a clean break and to start the rest of my life, he wants a long and slow transition because he thinks that will be best for the kids.

I think I will can the move far away ambition. It can wait till kids are much older. Or at least, I will put that thought away (or try to) for at least a year post moving out. See how it goes in practice.

I like the principle of giving the kids some say. We've not told them yet because we don't have an answer to 'what does it mean for them' but I don't think DS1 will be shocked. We have been in separate bedrooms for 3 months and both stopped wearing wedding rings.

Again, thanks to everyone who has taken time to share how it's working for them.

Okay, this might be out of place but you have had a lot going on, as you mention bereavements and mental health being affected, you have also just renovated a house whilst working around childcare. You must be exhausted. From your posts, although you say little about the causes of your break up, it seems to me that you essentially want your life back (and maybe some rest). You want to be able to work proper hours as your husband does and him to step up looking after DC. Of course one way to achieve this is to separate and split the care.

But, speaking as a long term single parent whose childcare arrangements did not work out as planned and this has been a source of high levels of distress, litigation and conflict, are there other ways to achieve this? If your husband can work flexibly after separation, why has this not been an option or tried before to help you work more hours? If he can do more around the house but it is too late - well, once you are divorced, it really is too late. Have you tried counselling or making some of the changes you envisage separated whilst still together?

Does the financial position allow for two houses of similar sizes to be bought and maintained?

I do 95% of the childcare and work full-time flexibly. It is a serious hard slog but how it has worked out given DC needs and xH actions/inactions and in the end how DC best cope. My xH was very controlling so I had no choice but to leave in the end. I also think domestic and financial inequality can be a form of abuse but I also wonder here how much chance your husband has had to listen to, and respond to, your unhappiness.

You say you just want a clean break which sounds like you have had enough; he says he wants a longer transition and he has started doing more since you said you wanted to leave - what about getting him to do this flexible 50/50 now on a 6-12 month trial basis so that you can build up your business and the situation is embedded? And then see how you feel about divorce?

Or feel free to ignore this post.

@Ktara, I'm so sorry it's taken me ages to come back to this. Life got so busy I just had to keep swimming for a while.

Your post is full of kind understanding and good questions. Sadly, we have both been miserable for many many years, and I now recognise that his behaviour is classified as emotional abuse. I don't think it's ever been deliberate or malicious, but he has been categorically unsupportive and very critical of everything I say and do for years. Hates my friends, only talks to me to comment about what I've done wrong / ask where I have been / what I have spent his money on / that I am getting fat / old etc. One of the things that made me push the 'this is over' option was when the kids started to talk down to me in the same way. The one conversation we had where I suggested we do counselling to see where we went wrong and to set us up to better co-parent we had he shut down entirely. He knows he is emotionally repressed but he refuses to talk to a professional or change in any way. I am seeing a therapist on my own to help me work through the shit.

Currently I have found a lawyer, told him I want to divorce rather than separate, and we are still living in the same house but avoiding each other entirely. He is determined that I am hiding things from him, not helped by the fact that it took me a month to find the courage to tell him I'd seen a lawyer. So I told him I'd like, in time, to move to somewhere cheaper to live, closer to my family. So he said he would fight me for custody. Think this will be harder and more expensive than is good for anyone. I have no idea what's going on with his job, which has been a bit up in the air. When I asked him he just snapped at me that I only care about the money.

I think my short term plan has to be to rent locally while we divorce and see how it goes in practical terms. I'd love to just take the kids and move to where I will be happy, but I am not prepared to be that much of a cow. It's not about me. Even though it kind of is, because if I could suck up being in an unhappy relationship we'd not have to do any of this

I work from home and he works 8 - 5pm in an office. My parents do school runs (I'm very lucky) so she lives with me all week. I take her over to her Dad's on a Wednesday for her tea and he returns her for bedtime. He has her ever Friday night into Saturday morning (unless I have weekend plans and agree something different with him). Sat / Sun are done on a EOW basis. Normally he brings her back about 10am on a Saturday if it is my weekend or I pop over and pick her up on my way somewhere.

We are very amicable so it is really flexible and has been driven by what DD wants. She wants to see as much of her Dad as possible but she hates before / after school club so can't stay over in the week. We tried one day each every weekend by DD didn't like that split. She prefers a whole weekend with each of us.