Examples of custody sharing that are working for your kids please?

[tryingabitharder]

Hi all,

I am leaving my OH, and we are in the murk of limbo with starting to think about mediation and how we get from two households to one.

We have v similar priorities but coming at it from v different angles, I think, and communication is totally fucked already. I need to engage a lawyer anyway.

There are so many potential scenarios and I can't concentrate on anything for chewing them over in my mind, and I am afraid of alienating my friends if I can't talk about anything else, so hoping some of you are in / have been in a similar boat and I won't be so alone.

We have a big house now that we have recently renovated. Two kids, both in school. When I said I wanted to leave the marriage originally I said I didn't want to stay in that house any more (too personal) but if he did that was ok. I don't think we can afford it though and am now minded to divorce and go for clean break.

Where custody sharing comes into this is in working out the financial splits, my potential for working, logisitics of where we each need to live, etc.

I'd love to get as close to 50/50 as possible, they adore their dad and I grew up without one, so I want to preserve the relationship. His corporate job currently means I do 100% of school runs and holidays. I have given up my financial freedom over the past decade, fucking regret that now. Anyway.

Please hit me with your creative and marvellous ways to split childcare beyond EOW and some nights in the week here and there.

I'd especially love to hear from anyone who manages a good split but at a long distance, as I have a mid - long term desire to move closer to my family for house price and childcare reasons!

Thanks.

Bluntly...

If your ex has a demanding corporate job, he is highly unlikely to take on 50% of caring. Usually these sort of men only take on 50% (or attempt to) when they acquire a willing girlfriend - which would mean gf spends that time with your kids, not him, which is not your intention here.

You need to keep on with the present, actual, arrangements and see a very good solicitor. You have incurred probably permanent financial damage by being a sahm and that needs to be recognised in your settlement. Be clever and be careful, he will be, I can guarantee it.

Hello,
I’ve been in a similar situation.
I split with EXH when our DD was only 15 months old; we decided to do 50/50 custody, which worked well for the first few years.
At the time, I was working sporadically on a freelance basis so had to find something more stable very quickly, which I was lucky to find. If you do go 50/50, would your ex give any financial support?
In our situation, I really didn’t want to be beholden to him financially, and didn’t see why he should give me anything, with custody being 50/50.
He stayed in our house, whilst I moved to a flat within 10 min walk.
IMO, although costs might be better if you moved away, for us we’ve always remained living near to one another.
At the time of our split, I did consider trying to move further - a lot further - away to be with my family, and was totally flamed on here for even considering it.

If you do 50/50, your ex will obv need to reconsider his working arrangements to account for school run/holidays etc. My ex had to, and when DD was a baby, we both negotiated to both spend a day off work each with her, so she only had nursery 3 days.

What you also need to consider is that arrangements you set in place now may not be the right ones forever/long term.
Things constantly need to be evaluated to consider if the set up is working for everyone - you, him and the children - at various steps along the way.
Last year, our DD (now aged 7) went through a very difficult patch where she decided she only wanted to live with me, and visit DH only sporadically. Tbh, it was a horrendous time, as she wasn’t open to any change at all. After much battling, we eventually reached an agreement where she’s with me 8 nights, then him 6 nights, which she’s much happier with.

Feel free to PM me or ask any questions.
Happy to help.

Sorry, meant to say HE wasn’t open to any change at all.

My arrangement with the ex is that I have him during the week, he has him at the weekends and this is just the way we work it because my ex works away all week all over the country....

It works well because it provides stability for my son, he knows at the weekend it's time with Daddy. Sometimes he goes on Saturday, sometimes he goes on Friday night.

I get to keep control of homework, bedtime routine during the week, especially as he is at school..... I rarely go out during the week and if I do it requires a bit of planning but it's not impossible. I go out for early dinner with friends and take my son along with me, he loves to join in and come out with me. Sometimes we go and do things after school, especially during summer as the weather is much nicer.

I've accepted that weekends are my time to get things done.

I organise all of the school holidays and half terms. He has him for a week in October 🙄 and we share over Christmas.....

Ultimately I wanted the least amount of disruption for my son. He is 6, turning 7 in December. He is doing well with the arrangement, thriving at school and likes the fact he has a bedroom here and a bedroom at daddy's.

Everyone's situation is different I guess.... The only negative I have is that I am clearly 'bad cop' as he gets to do all the fun stuff at the weekend with his Dad, but I know in the teenage years this will fare me well 😋😉

Hope you can navigate the custody arrangements fairly between you x

My exh and I have 50/50 with our children and it has worked perfectly for 7 years. We each have a week that starts on the Friday, on the Monday following the Friday the other parent has the children for the Monday night. That means the children are settled, but never go more that three nights without seeing the other parent. Swapping over on a school days makes sense too so that you are not transporting school clothes / home clothes from one house to another. You just need to be organised when it comes to school books / homework and be prepared to occasionally have to do and emergency dash with something!

Hi there. First, can I just say how positive it is that you are so committed to maintaining a positive relationship between your children and their dad. It bides well for your future co-parenting that you are emotionally mature and invested in what's right for them.

The statement by the PP that "these sort of men only take on 50% (or attempt to) when they acquire a willing girlfriend" is sexist nonsense. I'm a senior civil servant - it's an incredibly demanding role, but I do 50/50. And I'm far from alone.

Our pattern is 2/2/3. That is, our daughters spend Mondays and Tuesdays with me, and Wednesdays and Thursdays with their Mum. Friday-Sunday nighta alternate. In practice that means that in any given week, the girls will spend 5 days with one parent and two the other. That avoids too much shuttling between houses, but also avoids the extended period away from either parent that comes with a week on-week off pattern. That works well for our girls, who voiced this as their preference when we were looking at arrangements.

This pattern is also predictable, which jelps me when managig my work. I arrange my working life around this, so that I am around for the girls on the days I have them. I'm open witb my work that I will not be doing long days in London, for example, on Mondays and Tuesdays other than in the most exceptional circumstances. But I can work very long days when the girls are with their mum. People are generally pretty good at understanding that, so - with a little flexibility and creativity - it is absolutely possiblento balance a demanding job with being a good, hands-on parent.

It's important for both hiuses to be a home in a 50/50 arrangement, to reduce the need for things to be moved between houses. My girls bring virtually nothing with them when they move between houses - it's easy and natural for them, as they justvhead to a different home at the end of the school day, and need put in little more thought than that.

We do live close together - I suspect thjngs qould be much more complicated if one parent wanted to move some distance away. So it is worth thinking hard about that before deciding to go down that path - you may find the kids wish to remain with the parent who stays in the area where they're already settled.

My ex and I have probably a 30/70 split.

I do most of the week, except one day which is an overnighter (facilitated by me or it wouldn't be possible). Weekends are two split and one full, one empty each. We split the summer holidays down the middle so each get three weeks to pay for. In reality this often means that he will do two weeks and there will be a week where the child is with me but he has paid for the activity. I do most half terms, we split Easter & Christmas.

We both work full-time now but I did work part-time when child was small. 50/50 would not work for his job as he commutes to London, I work in the same town I live and commute by bicycle.

My DD is coming up to 16yrs and I split from her dad 11 years ago. We've always had the same arrangement whereby she stays at his house one evening in the week (usually a Weds or Thurs as this has revolved around activities she goes to) and then we alternate with Friday one weekend and the Saturday the following weekend. Going down the EOW route was not going to be considered at all as like you, I didn't have my dad around when growing up and to be honest I've always felt doing EOW doesn't help with non resident parent/child relationships.

My ex and I have always lived quite near to each other and have never considered moving away (yet). Our DD has always been the No.1 priority, but my ex did have a bit of a blip when his first child came along with his new wife and he did ask if we should consider EOW. I said an emphatic NO as his reasoning was that it would make things easier with a small baby around. I counteracted with the fact that he 'chose' to have another child and if DD was living with them full time, then they'd just be having to deal with it. Also, I pointed out that going EOW may make DD feel she's being shoved out the family unit. Apart from that, we have always been flexible with arrangements. Some weekends we swap the night she is staying if any of us have social things going on or if she has something...now she's a teenager, she does have a social life!

Living closely has benefited all round, but it does help that I have a good relationship with my ex and his wife. My DD turns 18 in a few years time and plans to go to Uni, so having to live in close proximity to my ex won't be that necessary in the future. I'm thinking of uprooting and moving elsewhere around that time, but wouldn't have done so beforehand whilst she has been at school. I can understand if people move away for family support, but I've never had that to be honest, so wanted to keep everything as stable as possible for my DD.

Slightly misplaced, I have no doubt you do 50% of all the admin, incl.docs, dentist and schools, buy 50% of the shoes, 50% of haircuts, haircuts, hairwashes, de-louses and last minute deep dish garden projects and "bring a purple tshirt to school day nonsense. The fact of the matter is that most won't as they see "admin" as showing up for an appointment that the Mum researched and booked herself and involvement with the school as going little further than drop offs, parent evenings and the odd Friday end of year carnival. To most Dads, the real child admin doesn't exist, so Mum gets landed with most or all of it and an ex who truly believes he is doing 50/50.

Which is to say, the OP needs to be very careful about doing away with a SAHM level financial settlement on the assumed basis that ex will be 50/50 and actually spend 50%of the time with the kids and do 50% of the background work. Because statistics and endless accounts on this board indicate that he won't and the only result would be financial stress for OP as well as continuing to do the bulk of both direct and indirect caring.

I’ll describe mine because it’s successful for us (since age 3 to now 12) but it’s the sort of thing that people are quick to dismiss as confusing or unsettling for the child. Personality dependent, but it works.

• default, she’s with me
• every Tue, whatever happens, she’s with him
• when I work away (approx 15 weeks a year) she is with him (this is where they have more time together which my initial statement of default with me may have seemed otherwise!)
• any weekend in advance that he wants her, he books it in online family calendar
• any short notice weekend that he wants, he just asks. Last weekend his dad visited unexpectedly, he just called and asked if she was free to come over, she was
• if I want a weekend away, I book her in with him

It works really well for us and her, as we can cope with unpredictable work patterns, unexpected events, and nobody gets all the weekend time. She is totally relaxed about it - feels like she has 2 homes, not a home and a place she visits. It only works because she very laid back though. I can say in the morning before school “oh you’re going to dad’s tonight cos I’m out” and she’ll just say “OK!”. She doesn’t transport anything between homes herself - for almost everything, she has stuff in both places. She just flits!

Just to be clear - I don’t tell her at the last minute usually! Just if something happens that is short notice, she isn’t bothered.

I'd love to get as close to 50/50 as possible, they adore their dad and I grew up without one, so I want to preserve the relationship. His corporate job currently means I do 100% of school runs and holidays. I have given up my financial freedom over the past decade, fucking regret that now. Anyway

Please hit me with your creative and marvellous ways to split childcare beyond EOW and some nights in the week here and there

Don’t be daft. If your STBX is only doing say 5% of the parenting now, he’s not going to start doing 50% once you split.

Remember he will also have to do all the wifework associated with the kids that is invisible now. Buying clothes for them, washing and ironing, organising them, keeping their bedrooms equipped, clean and tidy, organising school, homework, clubs play dates and parties, doctors and dentists on “ his” days.

These boards show that most men have NO CLUE that this will now be their job too.

And he’s going to have to do ALL of his own housework and wifework, without all the benefit of your emotional labour.

The only men I know who do 50:50 are those who did it before OR those who have mothers / new female partners who do it for them.

You need to do what’s best for your children and that is stability and continuity. If you are doing 95% of the work now, perhaps aim at getting him to do 10% and see how that goes.

Sorry to rain on your parade but there’s no point in trying to make someone be a father if they don’t want to be. Lots of men have enjoyed being Disney dad while still married and they don’t cope well with the time and work required to be an actual parent.

@picsinred this isn't about a financial settlement. It is about residency arrangements. The OP is commendably focussed on ensuring that the children maintain a strong relationship with both parents. That is to her credit. Your position is that she shouldn't agree 50/50, so that she gets a "SAHM level financial settlement". Children are not pawns, whose relationship with a parent should be bartered with to extract more money from a divorce settlement.

Mumsnet boards are not a representative sample for what to expect. I do more than 50% of the stuff you mention (it's a regular occurrence, for example, for the girls to call me from their mum's house for help with their homework, because they don't get that from her). I know other dads who are the same. That's not a representative sample either - but it shows that your assumption that dads just don't deal with the mental load doesn't hold. It's no more valid than the assumption that some men make, that women are just out to screw them financially, and will use the kids as weapons to achieve that.

In your case, however, that is what you are directly recommending. That the OP simply assumes that the dad won't deliver on his commitment to care for the kids, refuses 50/50, and uses that to get a "SAHM settlement" (whatever that is - all parents of shool aged kids will be expected by a court to work, and to support themselves as much as possible). Kids aren't weapons. Happily, the OP gets that

The only men I know who do 50:50 are those who did it before OR those who have mothers / new female partners who do it for them.

That's not right. Don't get me wrong, it's quite a transition, but if you're dedicated to making it work due to a change in circumstances, it's entirely possible. I did it.

It's the equivalent of a man belittling a SAHM that she would have no clue how to get back in to the workforce and be successful. Which is also simply not true, as I know and work with many.

Skinnypete - I totally agree.
My ex didn’t deal with a lot of stuff before we split simply because he didn’t need to, as I was the SAHM.
Once we split, and he wanted 50/50 too, he had to step up and negotiate his work hours accordingly, and he’s there to do school pick ups and drop offs etc.
So in a practical sense, he’s had to do stuff he prob wouldn’t have done before.
However, the minutae often gets missed - when DD needs new school shoes, uniform, PE kit, he doesn’t tend to notice for ages, for instance. Or she’ll come back from his wearing age 5-6 clothes, when she should be in 7-8

The only men I know who do 50:50 are those who did it before OR those who have mothers / new female partners who do it for them.

I think that's who you hear about but I don't think that's reality in most cases. The good arrangements you just don't get to hear about. My daughter's father is perfectly capable of looking after her entirely on his own and we have had our arrangement since she was old enough for overnights. To say that men can't, won't or actively avoid the majority of childwork is unfair - men are perfectly capable and mostly very willing to look after their own children.

We let the bad fathers off the hook and make it harder for the majority of reasonable men to have access to their children when we accept such low boundaries .

My XH did fuck all when we were married.
He was perfectly capable of stepping up when I left him.
Two years later his new GF moved in. He now does fuck all again.

Don’t for one minute think that men who do nothing are incapable. Mostly, they choose not to. And you’ve got to take your hat off to them, when they’re so bloody successful at it! My daughter adores her dad, she doesn’t give a shit that all her laundry is done by two women

this isn't about a financial settlement

At the end, it's always about financial settlement.

Too many women try to be "nice" and "good" and "fair" ... and get absolutely screwed on the money and still do most of the parenting.

Good wishes don't buy food or pay rent.

My ex did very little (and didn't work) when we separated but that all changed for the better within the blink of an eye when we separated. I know men who work outside the home and also step up when they become single parents. Tbh, it's just hard to predict but you may have a better sense.

We now have 50/50 and it works really well, a week on/a week off. While I understand that it doesn't fit with your possible future plans, I'd still recommend you think about it perhaps?

• he doesn't have to be there half the time but he would have to be responsible half the time ie. he would have to arrange someone to be with the kids/give them supper/stay if of an evening etc. That will give you free time for your social life as it develops and rest (so much more important than I realised!)
• 50/50 makes it much easier to become financially independent and to get a job you enjoy, I work long days without the kids, short days the week I have them;
• having the opportunity to work and earn that extra bit of money means that you may be able to treat them, holidays, days out etc. Those have hands down been the best parts of being a single parent for me;
• it's rarely 50:50 in reality, esp as kids get older and there are activity/party etc clashes or one child wants to go and another doesn't, somewhere about 75:60 for us. It's much more work to run two single parent households than one joint parent household.
• Living close to each other really helps as there are always things that are forgotten.

If you have lots of help with family, I imagine some of this will be irrelevant! But ...

• with the best will in the world they will see their father much less and will he - or they? - be ok with that?
• It's also not uncommon for teenagers to change who they want to live with if it's been mostly with one parent, would you be ok if that happens in the future and the locations are reversed?
• they could be with you term time and with their Dad in the holidays (at least he could be responsible for the holidays, paying for PGL/nannies or whatever the options are if he has the funds). But then it will be harder for you to work outside the home and it may be that you do the drudge and he gets the fun weekends and holidays. And it may be that that gets whittled down over the years. 50:50 is a lovely strong arrangement that is inherently equitable.

Just thoughts ... good luck with it all.

"At the end, it's always about financial settlement"

For you, maybe. We will have to agree to disagree. Because, for me, at the end, it's always about the best interests of the children.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I think the point is the OP gave up financial freedom so it's important that she's financially secure, it's important for children. Also, I think you're the exception, it's not to say there aren't lots of men like you and there is absolutely no reason men can't do all the things women can with childcare but sadly a lot of the time they don't want to so don't. My exP even jokes how he loves being a Dad but would hate to be a Mum

Oh and to answer your question OP, my DC are with me in theory Mon - Sun but realistically their Dad normally has them two nights a week and often picks them up from school to visit his family then drops them at mine around 6:30 fed and watered. He never goes more than a couple of days without seeing them at all, even if it's just hanging onto them until I finish work. It works for us because both of our homes, the school and our jobs are all within walking distance so I know it's not a usual set of circumstances.

it's always about the best interests of the children

Surely it's in the best interests of the children to have a highly involved Dad before the relationship breaks down, too?

Funny how often "best interests" equates to intending to cut a sahm loose with only her onward earning potential to rely upon.

A contract's a contract. OP upheld her end - and suffers financial detriment as a consequence. OP's contribution should be protected and her financial injury remedied.

She needs to be clever here - the rest of her financial life rides on it.

Good on you for trying to be so fair, and SMH at some of the bitter responses on here. Men can and will step up by themselves financially, emotionally and physically, without having a woman at the side of them.
My OH has a corporate job, but has the kids usually 3 nights a week, sometimes more, and has adjusted his work week to have some work from home days or has his parents collect from school on one day or use after school clubs. Both happened before the split too, and they have tried not to change the routine too much (the grandma on the mums side has always done a school run once a week, so that still happens etc).
I am proud of the relationship he has with the kids, they communicate so much more than I ever managed with my dad. My OH and his ex can have an argument one minute (this isn't a Disney tale after all lol) but he can be at the kids house within the same hour as one needs a bike fixed, or do some other 'dad's job, or thing that he can do easier. They have managed to, for the most part, separate the relationship issues they have between each other, from the relationship with the kids. It can be done and its obviously so much easier for all concerned when it works well.
Well done for trying to consider your STBX in all this and his feelings for his kids. The kids will be so grateful in the long run. Good luck for the future xx