Why would you do this?

[DarkestBeforeTheDawn4]

I'm really sick right now. Arthritis among other things and my hands are really bad. I asked dp to take over the folding and hanging of the clean laundry last week because I can't do it. He agreed reluctantly. While I was out with kids at their afters hoop activity yesterday evening he folded a heap of the kids clothes that hang. I mentioned the fact they hang, he said he knows but he couldn't find coat hangers. They were in the draw next to the washing basket where they've been for a couple years.

What I don't get is why not just wait till he could ask me where they were or text me and ask. Why bother going to the effort of folding clothes when there's no space for them. It's a complete waste of effort. I can't work out why he'd do that? His answer was just there were no coathangers. He just made me feel so bad about it all, so I assume there was some sort of point.

So he didn't have to do it again. A protest move I suspect🙄

I suspect it was because it's a dull job that he wanted out of the way as quickly as possible with the minimum of fuss. Looking for the hangers (i.e. having more than a quick look round), texting you or waiting until you got home would all be too much bother. Don't read too much into this.

To use the minimum effort possible I expect!

But it's not out of the way, I could understand just getting it out of the way. It has to be done again now. I just chucked them back in the basket. He certainly has a history of doing things in a half arsed way. I'm constantly getting dishes out of the cupboard he's put away still wet and having to scrub pots he put away that weren't completely clean.

So you wouldn't ask him to do it again.

Next time, tell him where the hangers are. RA tends to get worse over time so he needs to sincerely step out. I would ask him in that way too.

I did tell him where the hangers are when he said he couldn't find them. See what he does next. I'm just so exhausted of this. If he agrees to do something I just want to be able to let that job go and not be wondering if it'll be done. Its taken years and many arguments to get him to do the dishwasher every day. But he still puts stuff away wet or needing another wash. It's exhausting. He does very little round the house and it's taken so much effort to get him to step up that much.

It's not a one off, he agreed to take it over on an ongoing basis, so he's only making extra work for himself. As a one off it would make sense to do it wrong so I wouldn't ask again. But we swapped, I'll do kids breakfasts which is all he does of the morning/school run routine and he'd do the folding/hanging. So it's only hurting him. Sorry its just the latest in a series of strange little things. They just make no sense to me.

I think you're overthinking this because of the history.

On face value, I'd fold stuff that usually hangs if no hangers because folding's the next best way to keep it unwrinkled. Leave him to it, you don't need to give it headspace and there is no benefit to doing so.

Not sure how old your children are but making breakfast, emptying the dishwasher and folding laundry are all things they can help with at primary age.

He definitely wasn't folding to stop wrinkles. The kids help as much as they can.

I think you’ve hit the same problem I have, OP. Ok, ready?

There are 2 kinds of folk in the world: those who prize efficiency (and use it as a strategy for big and little things), and those who don’t. Either it’s in the DNA of your day, or it isn’t.

People who don’t use it as a prime directive just don’t seem to notice or care that they’re making work for themselves or others, that they’re missing out on doing things they’d rather do, or that doing things efficiently is very satisfying, cost-effective (and sexy to people in the other group).

Last night I watched my DH make dinner. He went to the shops FOUR TIMES in an hour, to pick up ingredients for that meal. It was something he’d cooked many times before, not a complicated meal.
I could barely eat it, the faffing irritated me soooooo much. I’d rather have efficient cheese on toast.

No idea what the solution is, other than add it to our ‘dealbreaker’ list for our next marriages

Did he then hang them when you told him where they are? I don't see the issue to be honest, slightly annoying yes, but not the end of the world. He now knows where they are so hopefully it won't happen again

Surprised at some of these responses. Proper high maintenance.

You asked him to hang them, he couldn't find the hangers. Instead of just leaving them in the basket, he folded them all.

It's really not a shooting offence. He was trying to complete the job and not leave it half done.

This is why so many people don't do shit, men or women, because when they do they get attacked for not doing it "right".

Honestly how petty. Just say "oh they are in there, could you hang them instead please"

Job done. No need to make anyone feel like shite or cause an argument about it.

You've got your own way of doing things and don't like things being done in any other way. It is very annoying to do a job of housework and have someone else come along and tell you that it is wrong because they do it another way. Just let him get on with it and accept that you both do things differently. It is his house too and they are his children.

Let him get on with it.
I handed over laundry to dh. I would do it differently to him but decided to just ignore.

Your partner is useless but still better than my husband who walked out on me when I developed a chronic condition and became very ill just as I was about to go into hospital leaving me with no money and no car. Then slapped a nasty divorce petition on me and deminded payouts after I'd taken care of him for we years. Fuck men.
I hope you gave him a massive hard time.

It does sound like you’re being a bit difficult over nothing

Yes agree - do it badly and you wont be asked again!

I didn't say anything except that they hang and where the hangers are. I'm confused. He said he'd do it on the weekend. They could have just sat there till then. Its not doing the job because there's nowhere they can go away, so they're just back in the basket waiting to be hung. It just seems a pointless waste of effort.

He's been so mean and angry lately blowing up over the littlest thing which has made me question everything and I was trying to work out what his point was in doing it and if I'm going to end up being blamed and yelled at later because I didn't put it away even though there's nowhere for it to go. There is no way he was trying to be helpful or nice or stop them being wrinkled. I wish that was the reason. I'm exhausted and on edge.

I wouldn't care how he did it. The kids only have hanging space. There is nowhere in our tiny house to put folded kids clothes. Im not trying to be difficult, I just don't want to be blamed for it.

All the people pointing out he is just a 'different sort of person' or 'OP is being difficult - he did the best he could' seem to have missed that this man puts away wet and dirty dishes. I work with people with severe learning difficulties - only the most disabled of them would do this.

He's being passive-aggressive, and I'm not surprised to hear from OP's update that he's becoming pure aggressive too.

OP has picked up on this as the latest 'drip-drip' in a long line of aggression, passive or otherwise, directed at her.

I've wondered before if his behaviour over some things is passive-agressive. If I bring it up he gets pissed off and his line is usually he can do it his way, if I want it done differently do it myself. They're not soaking wet, so either he's pulled them out half dry and hasn't bothered or has wiped them half heartedly. The pans have obvious food left but I don't think he bothers to check.
I'd pretty much given up on getting him to share the load till I got a lot sicker. His behaviour has meant it was so much easier just to do it all myself. I think from comments dropped over the years that he basically thinks I have an easy life as a Sahm and he works therefor he shouldn't have to do things around the house and should get to rest when he gets home. Even I have always had little kids/babies at home, did all the night shifts and have 2 chronic illnesses. It's exhausting, he's exhausting to deal with.